Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I definitely have more respect for teachers after homeschooling for the past few weeks. On the other hand, I should probably figure out whose kid this is. Anybody missing a math prodigy with a runny nose?

I just want someone to miss me the way my 3 year old nephew misses me when I go to the washroom.

Always use your best photos for your profile on FB.

Cause those are the photos the media will use if something horrible happens to you.

There’s a woman at breakfast with a mink purse. I guess it’s important to skin an animal alive to keep your credit cards warm… Idiot

“Get a parrot,” they said. “It’ll be fun,” they said. “Get a parrot,” the parrot said. “It’ll be fun,” the parrot said.

Does anyone want to get married to me? Asking for a friend.

I can’t go on anymore dates so if you all could just decide amongst yourselves who’s stuck with me that would be great

*Pokes the bear just to feel alive

*Bear uses bear spray on me

I keep banana skins within reach at work because you never know when you’re going to need to make a murder look like an accident.

Office morale has increased noticeably since we put a tarp over Dave’s body

little known fact: bill nye is short for william new years eve

Spice up any Facebook comment with random quotation marks.

“Congrats” on your baby.
Congrats on “your” baby.
Congrats on your “baby”.

I always end up at the store behind people who’ve never been to a store.

As confused as an atheist who’s stuck behind a car that isn’t moving at a green light & has a bumper sticker that says ‘Honk if you love God

I never slashed an enemy’s tires, but once I wrote “Your mean” on his dirty back window, misspelling “You’re” just to mess with his head.

My son told me that it doesn’t matter what way the towels face when he puts them away and it’s almost like he wants to see my eye do that twitchy thing.

Muscle memory, but it’s the Amazon driver pulling up to my house on the odd day he doesn’t have a package for us.

Me: Time to relax and get into bed!

The Internet: Wanna read something upsetting first?

Me: Yes, obviously.

When I’m mad at someone I say “no pun intended” when there wasn’t a pun and leave them trying to find it.

If I was a mafia don’s wife, I’d keep the couches wrapped in plastic if only to keep my kids in line.

We weren’t traipsing, Mom. We are rapscallions. We galavant.

17: Do you know what school Scooper goes to?

Me: Who?

17: Scooper.

Me: Again, who?

17: Landlord’s son.

Me: COOPER?!

17: I thought it was Scooper, I’ve called him that for 5 years.

*uses a selfie stick to selfie with my new friends in the police lineup*

An app similar to Google Maps except it highlights all of the areas in your city that are believed to be haunted.

Me: oh yeah, obviously I want to keep it casual, too

Also me, a year after it ends: *crying to a David Gray song in my car*

Husband, opening our kitchen drawer while asking, “Do we know where the scissors have disappeared?” Looks around and promptly closes the drawer.

Me, opening the same kitchen drawer without looking in, hands him the scissors.

Interviewer: can you explain this gap in your resume
Me: ugh yeah the spacing wouldn’t format properly
Interviewer: OMG I hate that

the moon landing, except it’s the moon, landing on earth. everyone is just as excited. at first.

Doing the splits is easy — slip on the first snowy step when taking the dog out and let gravity (and panic) make you an Olympic gymnast!

San Francisco has too many rules