I’m surprised the sloths made it to the ark in time.
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What I said: No
What I meant: No
What my dog heard: Okay, but just look real cute.
publisher: how do you expect me to sell a book where you spend three chapters describing a doorknob?
jrr tolkien: it’s an important doorknob
Learn what car your boss drives so you don’t give her the finger in the parking garage. I know that now
Interviewer: where do you see yourself in 5 years?
Me: In a mirror! Well any reflective surface really, windows, shiny cars, puddles…
*wife sees me grab emergency kit from trunk after getting a flat tire*
calm down brent just call a tow tru*I’m already shooting flare gun*
My daughter still doesn’t understand this math problem even though I’ve explained it in several different frustrated tones.
Sorry I don’t remember your name, I was concentrating too hard on shaking hands, making eye contact and not mispronouncing my own.
When I see an Olympic figure skater fall down, I feel represented.
A lot of people don’t know this but Hotel sheets aren’t tucked in tight. It’s actually the bed bugs playing a lil game of tug of war with you
Me on my way to annoy my favorite person
Stop playing that stupid game and pick a Netflix movie Arthur!
I’m drinking espresso until I find how many it takes to vibrate my molecules fast enough that I can pass through walls. So far it’s not seventeen and I’m running out of Band-Aids
I’ve made friends on Twitter I never would’ve met in real life, and I wouldn’t trade them for anything less than $200.
I always take two stairs at a time, that way if I fall, it’s only half the distance…..
pitching a sitcom where all the top people running a major city have been arrested and by chain of command the person in charge is now a librarian
My theory is, “things can’t be too bad if I can still laugh about it”
This has led to me making jokes at WILDLY inappropriate times
Any time you see a mass suicide case on the news, you can pretty much assume the assembly of an IKEA product was the cause.
My wife suggested we go to the pub separately & relive our 1st date.
So she walked over to me and said “can I buy you a drink?”
I replied “sorry I’m married.”
Can a paleontologist explain to me why dimetrodons were so infatuated w/ yelling at the ocean?
GOD: for this to work, I need them to feel love
CUPID: how about I shoot them through the heart with an arrow?
GOD: ur starting to worry me
MTV canceled Teen Mom, so it’s like they had those babies for nothing.
My ex sent me a text saying “please delete my number…”
I sent one back saying “who’s this?”
People say I’m half naked when I’m 12% dressed because they’re bad at math
aliens probably fly past earth and lock their doors
Hormones are cool if you like crying during dog food commercials.
Welcome to marriage. You have the right to remain silent. Anything you say can be used against you in a court of in-laws
I need my next partner to be absolutely looney tunes for me. Like, heart exploding from chest, tongue rolling out into a carpet, bonking themselves on the head with a hammer when they see me until little birds circle them, etc etc
Why is such a large part of early childhood education learning what sounds animals make. That’s never going to come up. It’s not even important if they ever meet those animals. I’ve never said “moo” to a cow and have it go “thank you for learning about my culture”
me: can i borrow $100
friend: promise u won’t buy drugs with it
me: oh i already have money for that
New machine at the gym is weird. I cant figure out the sets but for a dollar it gives me a Snickers when I hit E4.