Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Eminem: You only get one shot, do not miss your chance to blow

Eminem’s Wife: I have a headache

absolutely disgusting that we as a society are still okay with people making hats out of cowboys

When you smile and laugh and pretend you heard a word they said.

~ Night club conversations and marriage

Eat a spoonful of garlic powder before you whisper all the sweet nothings in your spouses ear.

Follow me for more relationship advice.

Parenting explained

Them: Do you know the last time you went to the dentist?
My kids: Look at mom

Them: How do you want your steak cooked?
My kids: Look at dad

Another interesting #factupdates post!

95% percent of forest fires are caused by someone walking in corduroy pants.

Me: Shot through the heart
911: What is your location?
Me: And you’re to blame
911: Pardon?
Me: You give love a bad name
911: I’m hanging up

Me: I just played the “poop in a bag” trick on our neighbor

Wife: Haha! Where’d you find the dog poop?

Me: …dog?

Please don’t tell my kids they haven’t got a pet chameleon.

“the quick brown fox jumps over the lazy dog”:
-overdone
-juvenile
-has no impact or weight to it

“sphinx of black quartz, judge my vow”
-holy shit
-literally the most metal way to test out your font
-raw as hell

[snowman rings doorbell]
Pardon me, but I overheard someone say something about a “snow blower” and was wondering where I might find one.

Plumber: you have hard water.

Me: you mean like ice?

Megaman is such a hard game! I’ve beaten Ice Man & Fire man but this guy just shoots me before I can even move. How do I beat Zimmer Man?

Him: pick up those new bareskin condoms.
*later*
Him: why is there hair on this & wtf, is that a claw?
Me: next time get them yourself. Do you know how hard it is to skin a bear?

*enters username*
“USERNAME NOT RECOGNISED”
*creates new account*
*enters username*
“USERNAME ALREADY IN USE”
*sets fire to self*

For Halloween I’m just going to put these on and lay down under a house.

I JUST DRUNK 37 MONSTER ENERGYS AND NOW I CAN SMELL ABSTRACT LEGISLATIVE EUPHEMISMS

I got a job as a bullet

They fired me immediately

Btw the funniest thing you can do is openly not recognize a biglaw name. In law school someone told me she’d been an assistant for Mayer Brown and I asked what city they were the mayor of. Her face was incredible.

Friend: What time is it?
Me: (pulls out phone, checks Twitter and Facebook notifications, puts phone away)
Friend: Well?
Me: Well what?

Help

If you see this sign, you are not at that four star resort you thought you were staying at.

the gym is my favorite place to go to listen to people count to 10

I’m papering walls in the loo,
And quite frankly I haven’t a clue.
For the pattern’s all wrong,
Or the paper’s too long,
And I’m stuck to the toilet with glue.

#ToiletPaperApocalypse #RubbishJokes #Puns #DadJokes #Limerick

ㅤ

Looking forward to Keanu Reeves making improvements to his home in the upcoming

Matrix: Renovations

gas pump: see attendant

me: looks like i no longer need gas

Is this the real life?
Is this just

Lucky old June.