Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

If it takes 13 muscles to smile and 33 to frown, how do we tell if someone’s happy and not just lazy?

When my 9 year old gets off the phone with his girlfriend, I’m going to ask him for some dating advice.

Apparently, it’s considered bad form to bring their luggage to the graduation ceremony.

WIFE: What’re the kids doing?
ME: Playing lawn darts.
W: Is it safe?
M: Hope not.
W:
M:
W: Wtf
M: Can’t afford to send both to college, Jen

I tell my kids that thunder means God is shouting; rain means God is crying; and lightning means God is killing Luke Skywalker.

If we get to have sex with our valentines on Valentine’s Day I can’t wait until Presidents’ Day.

First person ever: I HAVE SEVERAL HOLES IN MY FACE WHAT IS HAPPENING

I love how science fiction movies skip right to the fiction part.

Don’t you find it weird when you go to high five someone and they interlock their fingers with yours and hold it together for a few seconds?

I know you do. That’s why I do it.

Good slumber party questions:
– What’s the furthest underground you’ve ever eaten a burger
– How many necks have you touched
– What’s pesto

“How much is it to sign up for a library card?”
“It’s free.”
“But what does it cost?”
“Nothing, it’s free.”
“No, how much money is it to sign up though?”
“I swear it’s free.”
“Never mind, I’ll ask at the other desk.”

Called it

In the next James Bond movie 007 has to prevent a Congolese arms dealer from selling nuclear-grade plutonium to a Nevada couple planning a gender reveal

“I bet you’re sexy & not creepy at all. Send me a selfie.”

*sends 5 second video of myself staring and smiling*

I was an aspiring ninja until the ankle cracks made it impossible.

Told my kid I was going to check her room because she told me she cleaned it, and she negotiated a five minute head start in case she “missed something.”

At my age, “you shook me all night long” sounds like a complaint.

me: anybody see how my deck was damaged?

him: chainsaw

me: then Chain needs to tell

Door-to-door Christian guy: Have you heard the greatest story ever told?

Me: Definitely. I love Star Wars.

The worst walk of shame is the one back onto the crowded elevator after getting out on the wrong floor.

[Creation]
God: *creates the crab
Crab: “wtf?”
God:”You’re a crab”
Crab:”wtf?”
God:”Now go forth”
Crab: *walks sideways “WTAF?!”

Is it pspspspsps or spspspspsp?

~ asking for my cat

me: you’ve changed since you go the pfizer vaccine

Jepfpf: no I haven’t

Geopfpf: I think she was talking to me

Bit into a beautiful looking strawberry, but it was actually rotten

Anyway, thought of you

I got the scar above my lip from *my time in prison.

*When my coffee mug launched itself out of my cupboard before work.

Wife: [holding old dog] I thought you took care of this yesterday

Stormtrooper husband: *looks out back to see gun marks all over the yard*

Standing at life’s crossroads: embarking on a master’s degree in business economics or getting a neck tattoo. Both equally boost employability in today’s market.

“Huge hole found growing on surface of Sun”

*drops string cheese*

“This hole is no cause for alarm”

*picks up string cheese*

Canadians are only nice because we put all of our negativity in the geese and ship em off to Florida every year.