I’m surviving this massive amount of “family time” by pretending they are mental patients and I’m their case manager.
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Me: Hey, do you want to go buy some-
Wife: YES!
Kids today will never know the pressure of sending an email to ten other people OR THEY WILL DIE.
every time we see a couple with a big age gap, my girlfriend goes “ugh what do they even have in common???” and it’s like, idk, maybe that they’re both getting extremely judgmental voicemails from every member of their family
APPLE GENIUS: [looks around nervously] if I had a criticism of this phone it would be that-
{trapdoor}
NEW APPLE GENIUS: that it’s perfect.
[date]
Her: Will I see you again?
Me: Depends…*hands her paper*
Me: Pronounce that word.
Her: Nuke-u-lar.
Me: It was nice meeting you.
If I could be a superhero, I’d be Aluminum Man. My superpower would be foiling crime.
A new toilet paper called ‘Up Your Alley!’
Marketing exec: how do you keep getting in here
I know I’m getting old when I see a beautiful 19 year old girl and I wonder what her mother looks like.
One of the greatest gifts my kids have given me is my high tolerance for alcohol.
Friends don’t take videos of friends playing drunk Twister in positions that only gynecologists should ever see.
tweeting shouldn’t cost money but it should flip you on your back like a bug for 15 minutes
Hey all,
I regret to admit this, but tonight I took my kids on a walk.
From their intense whining I have come to see that I caused them deep distress by exposure to sunshine, breeze, and friendly waves from neighbors.
Forgive me—I will do better next time.
~a dad, trying
some dogs can find bodies that have been buried for years & mine can’t even find a cracker that hit him in the face on the way to the floor
Me: *no longer going in for a kiss* I’m so sorry, I think I misread this scenario
My driving instructor: no worries brother
Friend: I get my kids to eat their vegetables by making up cute names like ‘caulipower’ and ‘broccoli trees’.
Me: I get my sons to eat their vegetables by saying, “Eat your damn vegetables.”
Weather channel: It’s going to get up into the mid-30’s this afternoon but it’ll still feel like it’s in the teens.
Me: Literally me.
At the play museum it was fun showing my kids the toys I used to play with, that is until my tween kept calling them artifacts.
There is no “we” in pizza
My kids are young, so when they listen to old school music they think its new. They are currently listening to a hot new band called Queen.
What concert costs 45 cents? 50 Cent featuring Nickelback
I went to the local art museum, I really enjoyed it and took lots of pictures.
But unfortunately I’m now banned until I bring them back.
People are managing their retirement funds and I’m over here planning to call in sick the day I die
Inside of you are two wolves. Inside of me are twenty one insane weasels. We are not the same
Happy Thanksgiving and remember, unless your turkey is applying for a passport, you don’t need to take a photo of it.
If you walk in on a girl giving birth in the bathroom at Applebees, don’t judge her, you’re also eating at Applebees.
My dad hates spicy food, but he loves the show Hot Ones, which I imagine he watches like a horror movie. “No! Don’t eat the next wing! It’s a trap!”
What’s it called when you’re sucking in your stomach but it looks like you’re not?
ME: Okay, what exactly do you think bulls look like?
GUY WHO CAME UP WITH THE CONSTELLATIONS: 1 straight line and 2 bendy ones. That’s bulls.
As a young girl she played the game Operation and dreamed about the day she could illegally harvest vital organs in real life.