Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Yes, I am a fully grown woman.

No, I won’t leave this ball pit.

You paid for a vanity plate that doesn’t make sense. Good job.

2000 years ago:
god: i shall sacrifice my only son so that all may have eternal life

Today:
god, watching us eat tide pods: jesus christ

may I borrow your hand mixer? I found a pumpkin carving hack that will destroy mine.

Him: What are you doing?

Me: Tweeting.

Him: Gah. Such a colossal waste of time.

Me: *stare*

Him: *goes back to playing Candy Crush*

maybe there’s an alternate universe where onions cry when they chop up humans, you don’t know

Cop: Where were you at the time of the murder?
Me: I’d trapped myself in a Tupperware container
Cop: Damn, that’s an air tight alibi

Sing like no one’s listening
Dance like no one’s watching
Rub up against the bus stop like no one’s going to call the police

Tf Chris Rock thought Will was coming up there to do? Get Jiggy w/ it 😂😭😂😭

Welcome to parenthood. Bring spare clothing everywhere you go. For the baby, for you, for your spouse, for the cashier at the grocery store, for the person sitting next to you on the plane…

photographer: alright guys, now let’s do a silly one

A thief has come into my home, and taken all but one of my sticks of mozzarella cheese. Everyone, lock your doors!

The hubby, son and I are all working from home today, this is my goodbye tweet.

Cashier at McDonalds said “See you later” a little too smugly at breakfast. I did not appreciate her condescension and told her so at lunch.

Eddie Murphy at the premiere of Purple Rain, 1984.

If you really want to impress me with the year a bottle of wine was made, bring me one from 2024….

Cop: spread’em!

Me: *frantically starts buttering bread*

The Ten Commandments of Ayn Rand #XmasAMovie

*watching movie with demon killer clown*

Me to husband: Ridiculous, so unbelievable! Did you see the size of that kid’s bedroom

For newbies

DOM – means Dominos
SUB – means subway

always here to help! All day 👍

FRIEND: What do you think?
ME: *passing joint* Hell yes!

I hope whoever came up with the spelling for Wednesday was pudnished for their actions.

“Dress for the job you want!”

*dresses up as celebrity-slapper*

I’ve kissed so many frogs trying to find a prince that I’ve actually discovered several new species.

Me *retaining absolutely nothing you just said*: Yeah, got all that.

You can tell a dad’s age by counting the number of hours he arrives early to the airport for a flight.

ALEX TREBEK: well that’s important work you’re doing; the orphanage probably loves you

CONTESTANT: thank you

ME, SWEATING:

TREBEK: Matt, from new york, it says here you once got your hand stuck in a sink, tell us about that

[bakery]

Him: This wedding cake is perfect for us! Look at all of the tiers!

Me: Definitely not happy tears

Him: What?

Me: What?

Safe sex is stupid. Safes can’t get pregnant.