I’m suspicious of people who don’t like dogs…But I totally trust a dog when it doesn’t like a person.
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Daughter didn’t want “sunscream” so I put her outside and yelled “SUN…. GET HER” and now she’s flipping out.
accidentally put my phone on airplane mode when i was in my car and the tires fell off
I wonder if Groot met his girlfriend on Timber
If you’re over the age of 5, and are trying to be cute by saying: sorry as: sowee – I will kick you in your pwivates.
Just saw I am Legend for the first time and found it completely implausible when there was no reference to any toilet paper shortage.
Dean Martin: When the moon hits your eye like a big pizza pie
Neil deGrasse Tyson: I don’t even know where to begin with this
Laxatives help you live up to your full pooptential.
dear parents,
just because your child is smiling at their phone doesn’t mean they have a boyfriend or girlfriend. maybe they’ve stolen the declaration of independence
Chicken Doctor: *strutting in* I’m afraid he has passed.
Chicken Widow: BUT WHY
Chicken Doctor: To get to the other side.
Fun fact: dinosaurs are divided into two main groups, “lizard-hipped” species like Apatosaurus and “bird-hipped” species like Stegosaurus
NOT FUN AT ALL fact: actual birds are considered lizard-hipped
If yahoo! hasn’t given up then why should I??
The upside to wearing a mask at work is I can yawn in meetings and no one knows. The downside is I yawn so much I look like I’m crying
My car is making strange noises but it’s just me singing.
Having a pet is basically just asking “how did you get so cute?” followed by “why are you wet?” 6 or 7 times a day.
I wonder if the guy who coined the term “One Hit Wonder” came up with any other phrases.
Children really brighten up a home.
They never turn the lights off…
95% percent of forest fires are caused by someone walking in corduroy pants.
I got bit by an Amazon box. Every full moon I turn into a werehouse.
Me: How long should I roast asparagus in the oven?
Food Blogger: Wondering how long to roast asparagus? C’mere! I’ve got your answer!
Me: Cool! Thank-
Food Blogger: I was born on a farm in Tennessee. My father was an angry man with 3 fingers on each hand. A war injury…
My sister forgot the words for “national anthem” and just suggested we learn the “Canadian Theme Song.”
The global energy crisis could be solved if only we could harness the power of my wife slamming my car door.
Look, I respect the skill. But no.
I love when I make people laugh so hard they spit out their water…
Or food…
Or baby…
I think I have to give up cheese and my transformation to bitter old lady is complete
Current situation: laying in bed trying to manifest breakfast
I ordered botox instead of a bowflex and you can’t tell but I’m mad
[first date]
HER: So, I hear you’re a dog person-
ME: [tucking my tail between my legs] WHO TOLD YOU
Captain: Does anyone have a hanky we can use for a white flag?
Me: Here Cap.
Captain: Does anyone have a clean hanky we can use for a white flag?
INTERVIEWER: nice to meet you, why don’t you have a seat
ME: omg was I supposed to bring one