I’m suspicious of people who don’t like dogs…But I totally trust a dog when it doesn’t like a person.
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*Jesus, bursting out of a chest cavity, spraying the room with blood and viscera*
“My God, Johnny? DID YOU LET CHRIST INTO YOUR HEART?!?”
“Snowmageddon”? We can do better, Twitter.
#SnowCountryForOldMen
#ISnowWhatYouDidLastWinter
#SnowMommaFromTheTrain
#Snowverfield
I got sent out of class today at school. The teacher yelled at me, “What would your parents say if I called them?’ I replied, “Hello?”
[birthday shopping for Wife at Tiffany]
Me: diamond bracelet?
Clerk: $10,000
Me: cubic zirconia?
Clerk: $5,000
Me: glass?
Clerk: $2,000
Me: beaded plastic?
Clerk: $1,000
[later]
Wife: [opening present] is-is this a friendship bracelet?
Me: I made it myself : )
Some days you’re proud of your 6 year old for being such an avid reader, and some days you go into his room to tell him you’re proud of him for being such an avid reader but before you get through the door he looks up from his book and cries out, “be gone, foul beggar!”
In 1999 this man was asked to reenact his recent lottery win for TV and ended up winning again on camera
I wish you could comment on Zillow.
Like “Wtf are you smoking this house is not worth 990k”
The comment section would be very entertaining
[during sex]
ME: I’m Italian, how about you?
HER: Finnish
ME: Ok sure just give me a second
Parenting is great if you want to relive every moment from your childhood when your parents got mad at you – from your parents’ perspective.
Girls Just Want To Have Naan
Cop: You there! Hands over your head!
Me: *raises hands*
*30 avocados fall out of shirt*
Cop: Holy guacamole!
Marriage is like a Rubik’s cube. One person is trying to solve the puzzle and the other one is switching the stickers around to win the game.
*Texts*
Can I come over bae?
I need you. <3*Gets reply text*
DUDE, STOP CALLING ME THAT. I’M YOUR DEALER NOT YOUR BAE. BRING CA$H!
If you watch COPS backwards it’s just a bunch of people overcoming miraculous obstacles to win free drugs
Have been woken up with the hangover from hell by the sound of my neighbour’s lawn mower. He’ll just have to mow around me, I’m not moving.
I told y’all leave these retail workers alone with the TikTok pranks 😭
ME: argh the salty air be getting to me head just hand over the treasure ya scurvy knave
LONG JOHN SILVERS CASHIER: *rolls eyes* *gives me my change*
yeah sex is cool but have you ever seen the jerk who went speeding past you pulled over by a cop like one mile down the road
“Blood, Sugar, Sex, Magik” is a classic Red Hot Chili Peppers album, and also Criss Angel’s shopping list.
I have all of the qualities men want in an ex-wife and none of the ones they want in a girlfriend.
In high school I only played the trombone so I could hit people and make it look like an accident.
[experiment to see if infinite monkeys on infinite typewriters will produce the complete works of shakespeare]
scientist 1: well?
scientist 2: close a few times sir, but someone keeps adding question marks to everything
s1, over loudspeaker: curious george to the front please
I don’t like to insult women, but I’m not a big fan of my boyfriend’s other girlfriend.
i have feelings for you but you have to guess which ones
Before twitter I would walk into a room and forget what I went in there for.
Now, I don’t even walk into the right room
All I want for Valentine’s day is a good night out with my boyfriend
My husband says I’ve got to go out with him! Rude
Me: I want my kids to have lots of friends
Me, when these friends visit: WTF they are so annoying
My phone autocorrected “gym” to “fun” so I threw it in the trash bc it’s obviously broken.
Office fun: replace your coworker’s mouse with a larger mouse so he thinks his hands are shrinking then call him “baby hands” until he quits
one time i couldn’t go to church because i was too busy describing a grilled cheese sandwich to a police sketch artist