I’m suspicious of polyamory because a good relationship is like a conspiracy to assassinate the president. You must trust in your fellow conspirators completely, so you have to keep the group as small as possible.
You Might Also Like
[Ouija board]
O spirits, let me talk to m-
C-O-N-N-E-C-T-I-N-G C-O-N-N-E-C-T-I-N-G C-O-N-N-E-C-T-I
*squints*
What the heck?
A 3G board?
Watching the Olympics.
Me: HOLY SHIT THAT WAS AMAZING! GOLD MEDAL!
Announcer: Ohhh! Not a good performance, those scores will not be pretty.
Playing car dealership with my son, we rearranged the lot.
I got my first real 6-string
Bought it at the 5 & dime
Played it til my fingers bled
Mom sued the guitar manufacturer & settled out of court
Ever smell a permanent marker and accidently color the tip of your nose black?
Related: They’re called permanent markers for a reason.
“You should cook it like this more often.”
Me, panicked cried twice and burnt myself when cooking it: sure.
We’ve got to stop looking at legumes and thinking “I could milk that”
[Pilot intercom]
Me: “Hello, this is the co-pilot speaking. Not to cause alarm but the pilot has passed out and I lied a lot on my resume.”
The program was great. Not only did we have a yabba dabba doo time but we had a gay old time.
My dad loves telling the story of when I was young I asked ”when is someone going to die, so I can move from the kids’ table?”
oooh pretty wing tattoos on your back, do they symbolize how you have no idea how big wings need to be to carry your weight
HIM: I wanna do bad things with you
ME: Like punching old ladies?
HIM: Uh, no…
ME: Stealing from the donation jar?
HIM: God, no! I mean like-
ME: Stroller tipping?
HIM: You know, never mind.
ME: Taking up two parking spaces?
HIM: Goodbye
ME: Putting habanero juice in-
The problem with Quotes on #Twitter is that… it is so difficult to tell if they are Genuine – William Shakespeare
Went inside my dresser hoping to find Narnia but all I saw was that stupid guy I killed
Proctology is located in A55
My daughter wrote a story at school about a sad cat that drinks cocktails so I should probably call her teacher
[2 Years into Cosmetology School]
Me:[applying perfect contours] When are we gonna start learning about space?
What If When You Die They Ask You
“How Was Heaven?”
If you capitalize ‘him’ in your tweets I’m gonna automatically assume you’re subtweeting god.
10yo: (screaming) MOM, COME HERE RIGHT NOW!!
Me: Okay, Okay!
*steps on lego*
*stubs toe on fallen over chair*
*falls over laundry basket*
*slip-and-slides across spilt water*
*arrives at 10yo*
10yo: Never mind. I figured it out.
Why ruin a perfectly good shovel when you can just use your leg?
Them: No pets allowed!
My cat: Guess you are gonna just have to wait outside for me…
Imagine being hungry and some guy tries to teach you to fish
When you find out your hotel has a waffle bar.
I met a pet turtle at the park and I asked the guy if he brings it there to play on the swings and slides, and he responds: “No ma’am, turtles don’t use swings and slides”, and I can’t believe he called me ma’am
*presses the wrong button on the elevator and the elevator starts filling with water*
“Not again.”
Perfect.
#gardening
Radiohead fans, this is for you.
