I’m swilling port like a British butler who had a rough afternoon at the races.
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me: do you have coke
cat waiter: is pspspsps ok?
*runs 3 steps*
my heart: if u don’t stop i will
Apparently everyone on the zoom calls outside my office finds my singing distracting.
On the phone:
Me – Do you have brown or beige gravy for Thanksgiving?
Mom – Brown, why?
Me – No reason.
(Pulls out brown shirt for preemptive spills)
Him: Are you eating cake for breakfast again?
Me: [mouth full] It’s got eggs in it.
She went out this morning for milk and lovingly announced upon her return that she’d bought me two donuts, then when I wasn’t looking she unlovingly ate one.
When I was 12 I found a document on our family computer with my name on it where my mom wrote that I was “witty, which can be irritating” like damn lady name that document taxes2001 or something.
Me: I’m living paycheque to paycheque
Society: Maybe you should have gotten an education
Me: I’m a teacher
Nobody ever writes about Moby Niceguy.
Pilot: “Attention passengers, our engines have failed. We may not make it.”
Me, still wearing parachute pants since the 80s: “I KNEW this day would come!”
I was bored and filled a spherical ice cube mold with milk. When I took it out it was perfect…until I dropped it and it broke in half. Now I’m crying over split milk.
Always a bridesmaid never a vengeful ghost in a glowing fog.
[First day as a beaver]
Me: Dam.
I love my son’s teacher, but I’m low key triggered by all these messages about what he can be learning during this. Look lady, he’s currently got his little brother in a choke hold, he doesn’t want to read a book right now
Might get a Gatorade logo tattoo to symbolize my contempt for thirst.
Imagine me riding a bike.
Wrong.
There’s no seat.
losing the office zoom costume competition to GRAPES <<<<<
Passenger: Do you mind if I take a picture out the window?
Pilot: Of course, you utter dipshit.
Got a call saying my son got caught lying, cheating & was being expelled. I don’t have a son. That kid is one damn good liar
Skinny people are easier to get blown around by storms. These 4 donuts are for my safety.
My son just said, “Peace on Earth, goodwill to men,” and shot me in the face with a Nerf™️ gun.
“My New Years resolution is to become the guy that tries to start a conversation with you as you leave the room”, I’ve been saying to all my co-workers when they start to leave the room.
News:”a black bear hovered over a convenience store in central Florida for more than seven hours…”
They have hover bears?
jealous again
We need to overthrow that Tyrannosaurus Rex and democratically elect a Presidentosaurus Rex
I just ate 27 gummy vitamins. Come at me Covid.
I sent my wife a copy of a menu from a really fancy restaurant ahead of time….
….she’ll be so surprised when we pull up at this Applebee’s.
I see from the Before and After pictures that not only did she lose weight using the product, it also gave her a tan, makeup, and a smile.
People hate me at B’way musicals because when the characters break into song, I always shout, “You don’t have to do this. Just talk to us.”
DUDE!
Why didn’t you make
better life choices?![Me to the cicada as it hits my car]
Aliens? Wake me up when something important happens, like a new pasta shape