Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

“Why do birds suddenly appear?”

To shit on my newly washed car, that’s why.

Apparently saying, “You mad, bro?” is frowned upon if you work in customer service.

What do you call a woman that sets her credit card bills on fire?

Bernadette.

I called in dinner at a restaurant and Husband went to pick it up. These texts ensued:
H, “What name did you put it under?”
Me, “Yours.”
H, “Not a fake name?”
M, “Why would I do that?”
H, “Because your weird like that.”
M, “You’re.”
H, “It’s under you’re?”
Me, “Yes.”

3yo: Mommy, I wish I had a twumpet.
Me: Mmmm well I do not.
3yo: But I would love to play a big loud twumpet sound
Me: As I mentioned in my previous email (see attached)–

Welcome home! How was your trip? Do you want to hear the good news about your plants or the bad news about your cat?

If you’re wondering if humans are idiots we hunt ducks with guns when they will walk right up to you if you have bread

I’m not proud of the person I become when there’s a cheese tray at a party.

*pronounces ‘comb’ like ‘bomb’ eighteen times during interview at Great Clips.

“In just 4 years, you can get a 4 year degree!”

Yes, “university” commercial–that math checks out.

Her: I’m leaving you
Me: Because of the ancient Roman literature puns?
Her: Yah
Me: But Aenid you

DAD GUIDE ON HOW TO WATCH A MOVIE:
1) put on a movie
2) don’t watch it
3) read a book
4) every time something happens ask what happened

When it’s “buy one, get one free,” I have them put the free one in a separate bag so I don’t get them mixed up.

Principal: Bob, you’re their Sex Ed teacher. These kids depend on you *slams fists on desk* SO WHY ARE YOU TELLING THEM COOTIES ARENT REAL

JK ROWLING: dumbledore and grindelwald had sex

ME: lol

JK ROWLING: so did you and dobby

ME: what

JK ROWLING: you will never feel love like that again

ME: stop

Tubi just be putting anything on here… I just saw me walking by. 🤦🏽‍♀️

Spider 911: Hello

Spider: My friends and I were drinking heavily

Spider 911: That’s not an emer-

Spider: We decided to play Twister

Spider 911: Oh no

Spider: *crying* Help us

What’s with these people who take a sip of their coffee as soon as they get it? Who are these iron-mouthed warriors?

Friend: You look different…younger…really great

Me: I had a little something done

Friend: *whispers* Face lift?

Me: Colonoscopy

WIFE: he never compromises
ME: look, Sean Bean is either pronounced Shawn Bonn or Seen Bean it can’t be both
THERAPIST: (nodding) he’s right

Don’t ask questions you don’t want the answers to like asking your toddler what’s in his pocket

Oh, I see. “Adam and Steve” is gay, but “Adam dates his own rib” is perfectly acceptable.

My favorite actual friendly mom competition is when we all stand around comparing how our children have creatively destroyed our furniture, carpets, walls and homes

[calling in sick]
me: the doctor told me to stay in bed
boss: how long?
me: just a normal size one

“Why did you threaten to hit that scuba diver with your canoe paddle?”

“He was putting on airs”.

I legit had to reread this several times before I realised it wasn’t intended to be a conversation between the Beta Male and the Alpha Male.

Mary: oh no my period is late

Joseph: oh no how late

Mary: I dunno, what’s the date

Joseph: hmm according to the calendar it’s 9 months BC

Mary: 9 months what now

Son: When did u know you were old?

Me: When I started saying ‘congratulations’ to friends who said they were pregnant instead of ‘oh shit.’

If you ever want your phone to ring just try to take a nap, it’s science

“Stay out of the heat & stay hydrated.”

Thank you news-anchor. It’s my first summer.