I’m swilling port like a British butler who had a rough afternoon at the races.
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Me: We appreciate things to the extent that we’re deprived of them. To put it another-
Wife: You ate my chocolate cake, didn’t you?
Me: Yes.
Today is the Winter Solstice, the shortest day of the year. Unless, of course, you’re waiting in line at Wal-mart.
Everybody else should be able to wear scrubs to work too.
Sure, sex is great but have you ever had to pee really bad and managed to reach the washroom just in the nick of time?
Whole ‘nother level!
Imagine asking me, “What that mouth do?”
And I say, “Come and find out .”
Now it’s the third hour of you listening to me talk nonstop about bees
Cop: I pulled you over because your driving has been erratic
Me: oh, I think the guy in my trunk was trying to communicate with me via Morse code
Cop: what
Me: what
Been getting into gardening lately and I think it’s going well!
got an email from my bank saying “is your 401k enough to retire on” and it’s like you are my bank you know it is not
this town’s getting on my nerves, gonna blow off some steam by doing a dance routine at the abandoned warehouse
“Whatever we do, let’s make sure it takes forever” – soccer players
I’m making chili this weekend so if anyone wants some, I suggest you make some too.
WIFE: It’s always best to overdress on your 1st day of work
ME: Ok
[later]
ME: You wanted to see me?
BOSS: It’s about your suit of armor
ELLEN: so I hear you’re a big fan of sleeping ??
ME: yeah, totally
[producer walks out with a rag soaked in chloroform]
ME: OMG ELLEN YOU DIDN’T
My followers are dropping like flies it must be that new perfume I bought.
<sniffle> <snort> <sniffle>
<snuffle> <wheeze> <cough> <sniff> <snuffle>
<ah> <ahhh> <aaaaahhh> <HAIKU!!!>
Is your wife buying too many shoes? Cut her feet off. There, done.
[in bed]
HER: talk dirty to me
ME: one time I licked the floor of a subway
HER: I meant-
ME: I use a rat as a loofa
What do you mean you don’t know what Care Bear would win in a fist fight? Get off me, this sex is over.
Cheap 1st Date Ideas: Get some matching Red Polo shirts & hang out in a Target. Give terrible info to inquisitive costumers.
*frowns in Scottish*
Went out of town for the weekend and I’m so happy to be home so I can have insomnia in my own bed
ac guy: when your air filter is dirty you
me: flip it around.
ac guy: no.
Inception (2010) – Five men and one woman plot to nap on a plane.
[sees ghost in my room]
Ghost: don’t be scared
Me: I’m not
Ghost [points to wet patch]: you’re a little scared
Me [nervously]: oh no a ghost
It’s funny when you tell someone that you don’t like people, they always think you mean other people.
Doctor: It doesn’t look good
Me: What? You haven’t even tested me for covid yet
Doctor: Judging by that outfit you’ve clearly lost your sense of taste
Son: We’re having chicken and rice for dinner?
Me: No. That’s for the dogs. Heat up some pizza rolls or something.
You can strip us of our rights,
our dignity and our freedom but know this; we will NEVER stop correcting your grammar.
me: babe get your finger measured
her: [hopeful] is it for what i think it is?
me: [ordering custom puppets] you’ll see
I like to forget Instagram exists for weeks at a time then remember and send 83 chubby animal videos to my best friend.