I’m taking a group of 9yos to the water park today. My wife said “just try not to lose any of em” if you’re wondering about her confidence in my parenting skills.
Anyway if anyone’s seen a boy in sponge bob swim trunks please let me know thanks.
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I’VE BEEN DIETING ALL WEEK!
I’M STARVING!
-Me, on a Tuesday
Remember when “anyone can grow up to be President” was aspirational, not an existential threat?
DATE: did I say something to upset you?
ME: *stabbing my pasta extra hard with my fork* everyone is entitled to their opinion about the best ninja turtle, Karen
Gross, who put proof in this pudding?
8 year gap on resume that just says “karate”
I fall in love too easily.
Wait..
It’s ditches, I fall in ditches too easily
I’m sorry I snort-laughed when you were saying your vows.
When an elevator stops on a floor and no one gets on or off, I always think ghost.
Alcohol won’t solve my problems, but neither will milk or orange juice.
There’s panic and then there’s can’t-find-your-tampon-string-panic.
Keep your friend’s toast and your enemy’s toaster.
A friend was talkin about her expensive face lotion. She said she was confused about it runnin out so fast. She finally asked her husband & he said he wondered why she kept buyin such tiny bottles. Fool was using it on his whole body😭. Said it was silkiest skin era of HIS LIFE
don’t date writers. they will send you their screenplay after a day of talking and it’s like OH now I have homework???
By the logic that declares Die Hard a holiday film, I think we should classify Titanic as a Hallmark Christmas movie.
-female lead ditches rich jerky fiancé for humble poor boy
-lots of lights
-iconic pop culture theme music
-lots of ice
-female lead’s hair is very improbable
Wife: Why is there a bouncy castle in the garden?
Me out of breath with no shoes on: I’m not sure.
There are 3 types of people:
1. Dog people
2. Cat people
3. Clean house people
I like when new parents tell you “he calls his one set of grandparents grandma and grandpa and the other grong grong and poodeepie.”
wanted to know why i’ve been napping so often lately so i consulted webmd….. it’s not looking good, guys 😔
[at family gathering]
Me: *shoving jumbo shrimp in my mouth*
Mom: Where are your manners?
Me: *points over at sister* She has them.
thinking about eating a lot of candy. which i have obtained legaly, through the trick or treat system, for many years
I just told my wife it took her longer to pick a Netflix movie than it took me to pick out her engagement ring and that was a bad analogy.
THERAPIST: what’s the problem?
WIFE: he replaces words with animal names just to annoy me
ME: I don’t do it on porpoise
Man, we’re losing so many people at work. Eric got fired, Amy found a new job, Rich evolved into a being of pure energy and ascended to a higher plane of existence, Sam’s internship ended… Everyone’s leaving.
You guys Gorilla Glue is not hair care it is lip balm. Spread the word
I wish I had the confidence of my mom explaining Instagram to her friend 5 minutes after I told her what Instagram was.
Instead of voter fraud, why don’t they just call it Electile Dysfunction?
The goldfish was a little sick so I dripped some steroids in her bowl and now everything is hunky dory.
‘”I’m a healthy bacteria that aids in digestion”
– probiotic
“Ummm…. Pssssstt!! Dude… What’s a digestion?”
– amateur biotic
boss: david, you’re fired
me: *just got a haircut* is that alllllll you have to say to me 🙂
Can anyone live in a sewer or do you have to be a clown or a Ninja Turtle