I’m taking a group of 9yos to the water park today. My wife said “just try not to lose any of em” if you’re wondering about her confidence in my parenting skills.
Anyway if anyone’s seen a boy in sponge bob swim trunks please let me know thanks.
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I tried to spell perseverance but I gave up in the end
“Open face” is both a good type of sandwich and also how you eat them
[halftime]
Coach: Okay men we’re literally losing at basketball to a dog… any ideas?
-I have one.
*pulls out vacuum with a jersey on*
The easiest way to bust outta the joint is to methodically carve a bar of soap from a gun you purloined from a deputy, & then throw the fake soap onto the floor of your cell. When the guard comes to pick it up (it’s a safety hazard), simply run past them & away to the mountains
[attempting roleplay in the bedroom] how long have you lived in the neighborhood
The secret to my impressive dance moves? Spider webs.
An airbag is just a pillow that punches you in the face
Small blessings, like when the mirror fogs up and you can’t see yourself when you get out of the shower, naked.
“netflix: are you still watching” bro, i have kids, i’ve been trying
Are dog catching nets real or just lies taught to us by Big Cartoon
I lick all the grapes at the grocery store. It’s romantic. Some stranger is going home with my kisses on their grapes.
*barber hands me the mirror to check the back*
“Looks good!” I lie, after a few seconds of being unable to get the mirror to angle properly
Just learnt how a cat yowls on heat. So glad we as humans don’t do it the same way
Autocorrect changed ‘are you around?’ to ‘are you aroused?’ and my buddy didn’t want to hang out today.
If you innocently act like you don’t know, people will explain dirty words to you and it’s hilarious.
[Audition for the musical Cats]
Director: Act like a cat for me
Me: I’m not doing anything to impress you
Director: Perfect
Barbie gave me unrealistic body standards like that my head would fall off.
Gentle reminder that you forgot to lock your door and I am in your living room
convinced my 44 year old therapist to confront her husband about not liking her instagram posts and left the session feeling so empowered by the realization that while she can’t make me better, i can make us both worse.
A Free Range Chicken is easy to spot due to it’s backpack & rugged little hiking boots
Him: *leans in* I’m a hugger.
Me: *tases him* I’m not.
Every time I go to bed early my cat decides this is the night she will find and kill god
🤣🤣🤣🤣
There’s a song playing in Panera that goes “I got your Christmas right here”, and this just sounds so aggressive to me .
Bigfoot keeps his legs in shape by doing sasquats
As a young girl she played the game Operation and dreamed about the day she could illegally harvest vital organs in real life.
“Jesus Christ, Roger… What the hell are you doing with your life?”
At the beach I saw someone in regular clothes, no towel, no beach gear, sleeping face down in the sand. Wasn’t sure what I was looking at. “Do I call the cops? I don’t have any bars and it’s a long walk to the car. Oh good, she rolled over.”