Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I JUST WON MY EASTER EGG HUNT!!! Those 8 year olds didn’t stand a chance to my pushing and sprinting. It was kinda like taking candy from a baby!

The smoothest fall of all time

me: someone stole my glasses

cop: what did they look like

me: how would i know

GIRLFRIEND: If you’re asked to say grace at Thanksgiving again this year, what do you say?

ME: Thank you Lord for the food we are about to receive.

HER: And what do you not say?

ME: *sigh* Wham bam thank you yams.

Check on your friends stuck in quarantine with kids that never stop talking.

We are NOT ok.

To find out your cat name, pick any name at random and refuse to answer to it.

My favorite part of yesterday was when the cashier at Whole Foods couldn’t price an item & said “Here just take it I hate this fuckin place”

Arctic Scientist: your résumé said you have worked your whole life in extreme cold

Me: no, what it says is I’ve been working my entire life with *lowers sunglasses* zero degrees…

Never understood why people train their dogs to sit pretty or roll over when there are useful tricks like empty the dishwasher or fold the laundry.

Me *putting honey on toast*

Son: do you know bees make that?

Me: uh yeah I’m not an idiot

[Later]
Date: tell me something interesting

Me: bees make toast

We need to bring back house parties in a big way. There is something so special about talking to a guy on a couch

When someone’s ignoring me I like to break into their house at night and steal all their shoes.

We’ll see how busy you are tomorrow.

chicken run, though it depicts chickens, touches on a universal human truth. I don’t want to be a pie.

I was told to be more optimistic so I’ve decided french fries aren’t bad for me.

“Give a man a fish. Don’t ask why just do it.”
— if your boss wrote proverbs

I bet short people get really excited when they accidentally hit their head on things.

I’m really worried Justin Timberlake is going to have me naked by the end of this song.

If you have a headache, do what it says on the aspirin bottle: Take two, and KEEP AWAY FROM CHILDREN.

My 8yo: I found a penny on the ground.

Me: That’ll bring you good luck!

8yo: I’d rather have a hundred dollar bill bring me good luck.

*Being murdered in bed*

Me: CAN YOU JUST TRY NOT TO DISARRANGE THE THROW PILLOWS??

My daily affirmation

Took my 3 year old to a lot of historic sites and whale watching today. Asked what her favourite part was and she said, “The M&M’s”.

Being a goldfish must be brilliant. Every six seconds you’re pleasantly surprised to find that you live in a castle.

Top prank: when your friend falls asleep, place his hand in a bowl of warm water so he wakes up with one regular hand & one wrinkly one.

Everybody talks about sweet dreams but I’m over here hoping yours are savory.

my anxiety is at an all time high because i keep getting texts that begin like ‘anna, we need to check in’ or ‘this is a difficult message to send’ and for a second i think it’s my boyfriend breaking up with me before i realize they’re all from tim walz

You could eat off my bedroom floor. It’s not clean, but it is sturdy enough to support most food.

Everyone has their talents. Mine is picking the grocery store checkout line filled with people who apparently have never gone through a grocery store checkout line before in their life.

I’m boring. I just trick people into thinking I’m interesting by always being angry.

Me: finally drifting off to sleep

The alarm: you’re not gonna believe this