“I’m taking a social media break.”
– People who will be back in 7 minutes.
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I pronounce it liberry but I also call them bo-oks so people have a choice on which one makes them angrier
*waits several days to eat leftovers*
Wife: I was just going to eat that!
*waits a week to eat leftovers*
Wife: I was just going to eat that
*waits a month to eat leftovers*
Wife: I was just going to eat that!
Energizer bunny arrested. Charged with battery. LOL just kidding it was double homicide.
#SaturdayVibes Never forget #BishopSycamore: The fake high school that tricked ESPN into airing their games. 😭🏈📺
Me: this is almost as scary as the dmv haha
Dentist: haha yeah, my license is suspended
Me: oh, what do you drive?
Dentist: deep breath and count back from 3. drive?
[post sex interview]
reporter: what went wrong out there
me: well, i shouldn’t have yelled “holy moly” when i came
HER: have you decided where you’re going to live
ME: I’m still on the fence
HER: that’s why I asked
Every day I go to work and draw a little tick on everyone who didn’t say goodbye to me the day before.
13: *staring glumly at garden* Why so much spinach?
Happening now: The young lady sitting next to me on the plane sneezed & I said “Bless you” & she thanked me then she immediately sneezed again & I said “You only get one” and oh she did NOT laugh
The claw machine proves that it only costs $1 to get mad
Kids these days won’t get the trauma of passing notes in class and hoping nobody reads it until it reaches the recipient.
oh my godddd my cat just asked for food while I was making creme brûlée lmao what an idiot read the room Steven
Iceland has a web page for the upcoming presidential election. You can go in and enter your name in support of a candidate. In an attempt to do so, apparently 11 people accidentally registered as candidates and are now running for president. Looking forward to the TV debates.
asked where the oysters were from and the waitress said “the sea”. never change, atlanta
I’d be a terrible masseuse. After 5 minutes, I’d be like, “Okay, my turn.”
Meet me at the paint pan so our rollers can rub together.
I love a relaxing bath at the end of the work day but it makes the other people in the office uncomfortable.
Last-second gift idea. Bring a tag and put it on any present already under the tree. Call other person a liar. Be willing to fight him/her.
domino’s pizza: eric is on the way with your order, do you have any special instructions?
me: tell him to be ready to wrestle
Welcome to your 40s: that “teenager”over there is actually 27.
DOG 911: what’s ur emer-
DOG: A FURRY THING IS BEHIND ME
DOG 911: can you bite it?
DOG: I CAN’T SPIN FAST ENOUGH
DOG 911: OMG
DOG: OMG
Sometimes I put a cashew in my mouth for the dentist to find.
It wasn’t weird until my husband asked why I didn’t send him the nudes I made him take of me.
One minute without you feels like 60 seconds.
i’m awake! please respect my privacy during this very difficult time
9yo: Mom, do you know where the hairbrush is?
Me: [brushing my hair with a fork] No.
Apparently telling your spouse “we’re going down” as you wake them up from their nap as the plane is landing is not appreciated. Oops
The 9 levels of midwestern anger
9. “jesus, mary and, joseph”
8. “Woah woah woah”
7. “Hold your horses”
6. “Jeez Louise”
5. “For Heaven’s sake””
4. “If I had a nickel for every time”
3. “Well, now wait a minute”
2. “For Pete’s sake”
1. “Listen here pal”