“I’m taking a social media break.”
– People who will be back in 7 minutes.
You Might Also Like
some of yall afraid to be corny but i was born on the cob
Officer: Do you know why I pulled you over?
Me: I don’t even know why I exist.
When I’m in a conference room all by myself I like to pretend I’m having a very important meeting with chairs about chair shit.
The only time that my wife screams my name in bed is when I break wind in my sleep.
Dear women, when you’re not around we load the dishwasher properly.
A person on the check out saw my son holding a dinosaur toy & tried to play with him saying “ahh will it eat me!?” & he just looked at her, with the straightest, most confused face ever, and said “no, it’s a herbivore” 😂 #Autism
Finally figured out the reason I look so bad in photos. It’s my face
Give a man a roll of toilet paper, he wipes for a day
Give a man a CVS receipt, he wipes for a lifetime
I forgot the word “rake” so I called it a yard comb.
Cop: Can I see some ID?
Me: No. But you can see this…
[Does that trick where you pretend to detach your thumb]Rookie cop: I didn’t sign up to fight no wizard sarge
I think Schrödinger would’ve really liked the microwave.
Why did the cup of tea I made you explode in your face?
I used Michael Bay leaves.
I’ll leave.
*Hits Rock Bottom*
Dwayne Johnson: I have a boyfriend.
the pumpkin was invented in 1942 when a watermelon put on a pair of corduroys.
her: you seem really upset, what’s up?
me: [thinking about how many people died before cinnamon toast crunch was invented and will never know what it tastes like] uh just work stuff i guess
Candy isn’t bad for you if you keep it in a salad bowl.
Me to Kids: …and so the princess married the first person who asked her, and that’s called ‘settling,’ can you say ‘never settle,’ children?
Husband, walking in: What the- what kind of bedtime story is THAT?
Me, fleeing room: And they all lived happilyeveraftergoodnight!
McDonald’s just offered me a coupon book to promote the mcrib in a tweet?? Lmao no thanks,, im not THAT cheap. Not like the McDonald’s™️ McRib™️ sandwich. So tangy. So delicious. A little slab of heaven for a mere $2.99 now available for a limited time only
Would I miss my leg or my arm more?
(me, lying in bed, deciding which to put outside the blanket for the monster under the bed to rip off)
my grandpa lived on the ninth floor of his building and he’d still tell you to get off his lawn
An investigative unit, led by officer Arthur “Bugs” Bunnington, has arrested three members of the notorious “Garden Gnomes”, who’ve been terrorizing the neighborhood for weeks. Multiple items, including this 14ct necklace, have been recovered.
We haven’t seen the full damage this epidemic will cause, that will happen in about five to seven months with all of the gender reveal parties.
Humans: That made me puke. I’ll never do that again!
Dogs: That made me puke. I’m gonna get into it everyday this week!!
Therapist: So what steps can you take to break your people-pleasing habits?
Me: Ask my mother what she wants me to do?
Therapist: No.
Me: Sorry. Are you mad at me?
What the world needs now is love, sweet love…
And an extinction level asteroid.
this was the best i’ve ever seen
Apparently a ‘Defibrillator’ doesn’t make someone tell the truth
Me: *Spitting out teeth*
Her: Omg what happened?
Me: I ate too many of them
So many cheeses would work as baby names:
Brie
Asiago
Monterrey Jack
Goat
My favorite fruit salad is sangria.