i’m taking care of a guys owl next week and he just sent me this list of rules. what the hell
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“Is that a banana in your pocket?”
-banana farm security, checking workers as they leave for theft
For some reason, the Disney movie “101 Dalmatians” was much more popular than it’s sequel “Picking up Dog Shit for Eternity.”
*In the back of an ambulance
Me: Change the radio station
Paramedic: Please don’t speak. You need to save your energy
Me: Im not dying to a Nickelback song
What adults say: I’m just gonna close my eyes for a minute.
What adults mean: goodnight see you tomorrow
Really, IKEA? No free WiFi? Or do I have to buy one and assemble it?
I didn’t realize 80% of song lyrics were inappropriate until I had to listen to them in the car with my kids.
The ancient Egyptians loved cat videos.
You guys realize St. Valentine was beheaded, right?
Look, we’ve all dreamed of seeing a car caught on a rising bollard. Don’t pretend you haven’t.
I decided to tell the kids that Santa is made up but nighttime home invasions are very very real.
Making it easier for the municipal leaf removal crew by dropping each leaf in an envelope & mailing it to city hall
Q: How do you find Will Smith in the snow?
A: You look for the fresh prints!
I’ll show myself out y’all
Me: what’s this fee?
Bank: your savings balance is zero. minimum balance is $50.
Me: ok
Bank: we charge a fee if it drops below that
Me: do you know how money works?
Me: *just woke up*
My gym bro: dude you look like you just woke up
Me: *panics in just have been woken up*
[Frankenstein Castle]
MAMA: You need to make more friends
VICTOR: Fine…
{later}
MAMA: I should have been more specific
Him: Can you believe what’s going on in Egypt?
Me: Yeah…it’s crazy…I gotta go. Bye.
Me: *googles what’s happening in Egypt?*
cats can’t give you covid but they would if they could
*puts my hair in a ponytail
IG influencer: here’s why we don’t do that.
Did you know that when you meet an Indian, you can choose not to mention “Slumdog Millionaire”?
So true for me
[Nightclub]
Me: *shouting over the loud music at the bartender* I NEED HOT WATER FOR MY CUP O’ NOODLES
[You’re at Gwyneth Paltrow’s house and the power goes out]
NO. DEAR GOD, NO!
Me: Your hair smells so good. Which shampoo is that?
My Boss: This is inappropriate
Me: Your skin is so…
My Boss:*Turns off shower* OUT!
All I’m saying is that the Care Bears gave me some very unrealistic expectations.
Parenting is panicking when your kids are loud, and panicking when they’re quiet
my parents often told me I would lose my own head if it wasn’t screwed on and now that I’m an adult I want to know what tools I need to have it screwed off
“I’m leaving you”
“why?”
“Your jokes are old and tiresome”
“but, I can updog”
“What’s updog?”
“NOTHIN, WHAT’S UP WI-”
*slams door*
My wife just got the bar tab and yelled “Oh my god.” That can’t be good.
Hey “greatest generation” why is every thrift store filled with ceramic clowns