Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Son: Being an adult is easier

Me: No way, childhood is

Both: I WISH WE COULD SWITCH PLACES

*Shooting star flies overhead*

Son: Wait this sucks

Me: No take backs

They say rubbing coffee grounds all over your naked body can help prevent cellulite. What they didn’t say was not to do it in the aisle of the grocery store …..

….. anyways, gotta run – the cops just showed up

I teleported myself today. I pushed a switch button that says “Don’t touch” and the next thing I know I’m lying on this hospital bed.

I hate it when I’m cleaning the house and suddenly find a bowl of ice cream in my lap and my soap opera on.

If you’re a zombie, all trucks are food trucks

Don’t confront someone who puts cottage cheese in lasagna, leave crazy alone.

[at punchbowl]
Me: You go ahead.
Lady: No, I insist.
Me: Together, then?
*we both pour vodka from our purses in*

I thought my house was falling down but it’s just my 4 year old working on his drum solo with my pots and pans

I was texting my husband about our 4 year old and autocorrect changed “she’s pissed” to “she’s possessed” and honestly, same difference.

-Are you single?
-No, I’m an album.

God: NOAH.
Noah: Yes Lord?
God: Where are the land sharks, flying spiders and the jumping snakes?
Noah: Oh nooooo, did I forget those?

Son: My pencil is stuck in this Spirograph.

Me: So, you’re having an exitstencil crisis?

“Your mother and I are separating but it’s not your fault, we love the three of you very much.”

“There are four of us.”

“You heard me.”

Wife: It’s like every man on earth has to share one brain
Me: [can’t think of a good comeback because it’s not my turn to use the brain]

There is so much beef on Twitter it’s impossible to stay vegan

ME: Velma cant see anything without her glasses, so in order to find her glasses, she needs to be wearing them

PRIEST: Those are your vows?

I hate when people ask me if I’m all ready for Christmas. No Susan. I’m not even ready for today.

Me: Hey, baby. Want to come over?
Him: No, I’m sorry. I’m contemplating the meaning of life.
Me: I’m naked and alone 😏
Him: We all are…

A female contestant is on Wheel of Fortune. “Give me a D” she says. “She wants the D” Pat Sajak says & then high fives the camera man.

Smells like a challenge to me

Before Isaac Newton discovered gravity everyone had to glue themselves down.

Whenever I’m upset with my dog for acting up, I remind her which one of us is the owner and then we laugh and laugh.

Me: Is there alcohol in this?
Barista: … No ma’am.
Me: Can there be?

doctor: are u drinking enough fluids

me: i’ve never drunk anything else

people see me spend money and think im rich bro im just irresponsible

me: hello 911

operator: actually you’ve reached 116

me: ok can u tell 911 I’m dangling from a cliff

Took my car to the mechanic because it was making a terrible noise… Turns out it was just a Pitbull song on the radio.

I respect women so much I don’t even talk to them

Toy designer: a remote control car that’s rechargeable!

Executive: But how will we still make this awkward for parents who buy them for their kids?

TD: oh.. we’ll just make it so you still need batteries for the controller

Hey girl are you the supply chain? Because despite extensive explanations I do not understand what is wrong with you