i’m taking care of a guys owl next week and he just sent me this list of rules. what the hell
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I own a lot of Nike shirts for a guy who just bought a movie on iTunes so he wouldn’t have to get up and get the DVD from the other room.
Some things are better left unsaid
Tequila – No they’re not
Khan: Revenge is a dish best served cold, and it is very cold in space…
Kirk, who is from Iowa: Oh, you think space is cold?
Why ruin a perfectly good shovel when you can just use your leg?
Stopped by a roadside farm where I saw a sign that said “DUCK, EGGS”.
I was contemplating the position of the comma when it hit me.
What if everyone had the same neckline as Troi?
A lot of people don’t know this but if you pull the stick out of a corndog, it’ll explode like a grenade
*shitting pants, crying, missing my shoe*
yoga instructor: you need to leave
me: oh is this not child’s pose?
Always keep your head up and stand proud! That way your double chin won’t show in your pictures.
ASSISTANT: so what dimensions do the doors, hinges, walls, and locks need to be so that it all fits?
GUY WHO INVENTED PUBLIC BATHROOM STALLS: can’t stress how unimportant that part is
I’m jealous of people who have more than one ab.
My father used to locate and deactivate land mines for a living. I wish to follow in his footsteps. His EXACT footsteps.
(Inception)
Leonardo DiCaprio: where’d he go?
me: *wakes up to pee for the 4th time*
everybody’s a toughguy until they have to use a screwdriver overhead for two minutes
I was going through a stack of yearbooks yesterday when I saw I was voted “Most Likely to Steal all These Damn Yearbooks”.
Do dogs think humans are in a constant battle to claim toilets?
I’m thinking about getting an arm tattooed on my snake.
WARDEN: Any final words before you’re hung?
ME: How many of these have you done? It’s hanged, you idiot.
WARDEN: *just shoots me*
I love making pasta when I have a ton of dirty dishes in the sink. just dump that hot water in there when you’re done, and bam! you’ve got dinner and a set of totally clean dishes!
Every man was once a man trapped in a woman’s body.
*carefully examining the markings on a reticulated python as it squeezes me to death* just as I suspected. this is definitely a snake
Let’s call wedding invitations what they are; a bill.
The 1st cup was used in 1874, the 1st helmet was used in 1974. It only took 100 years to learn our brain is also important.
Sleeping without you is a waste of bed.
Have you ever had to call the landlord to ask for some caulk? How would you word that?
If you know someone who is effortlessly happy all the time, that’s a demon. You’re friends with a demon.
People keep mistaking my “wow”s for compliments.
This entire pizza told me thigh gaps are for queers.
A nicer way to tell someone their breath stinks is to say “I’m bored, let’s go brush your teeth!”