Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Me: Time heals all wounds.

Murderer: *stabbing me* Way to keep a positive attitude, but that’s probably inaccurate.

eating beef jerky and thinking that cow probably shoulda drank more water

I would like to officially apologize to my toddler for cutting her left pancake before I cut her right pancake, I don’t know what I was thinking

I like to keep my New Year’s goals simple and attainable so this year I have resolved to neither fly in a hydrogen-filled dirigible nor to become an ordained rabbi. I’m placing my chances of success at just north of 62.5%.

*Relationship status*

Me: I’m heading off now.

Wife: Yayyy.

[interview]
“What’s your greatest weakness?”

Superman: Seriously?

I’ve lost my boyfriend! He’s in one of these browser tabs, somewhere.

oh youre into retro physical media and urban exploration? enjoy getting killed by a japanese ghost while im playing black ops 6 in my unhaunted house, idiot

me: so I went to see a hypnotist to quit smoking

friend: did it work?

me: I’ll let you know once I stop squawking like a chicken

Been playing hide n’ seek with my niece and nephew for the last three hours. I guess I should get off twitter and go and look for them now.

Banker: I understand you’d like to apply for a student loan?

Me: Yes. Preferably one that’s good at math.

Banker: What?

Me: What?

Remember when you were small & all you wanted was a pony but your parents were high on meth & thought the house was already full of ponies?

Watch out, fellow motorists! I’ve got fast-food in my hand and I’m not afraid to give it my full attention.

“I have $73 in my bank account!” sounded a lot cooler when I was 12.

Be warned that if you buy your 5 year old a watch, you are going to get minute by minute updates on what the current time is

Student: “May I go to the toilet?”

Teacher: “What for?”

Student: “To open the Chamber of Secrets”

My bank called me: “sir did you go to dominos at midnight three days in a row in Florida?”
Me:….yah
Bank:*long pause* “alright then”

[blind date]

Her: Where’s your ink? Your profile said you had a sleeve.

Me: *pulls out sleeve of girl scout cookies*

Just because it’s called a “fireplace” doesn’t mean it’s the only place I can start a fire

them: hold your horses
me: *immediately drops one*

Hi I’m making some changes in my life if you don’t hear from me you are one of them.

Do people who pay $20 for corn mazes know that you can go get lost in Ikea for only the price of three days of meatballs?

4yo has never been overly original in toy-naming; his T. Rex is named Rexy, his stegosaurus is Steggy, his triceratops is Triceratopsy, his stuffed dog is Puppy. He now has a new triceratops and to differentiate between the two has decided to invoke the animal’s prominent horn.

Me: I’ll definitely do it tomorrow.

Morgan Freeman: He wouldn’t.

Me: *chasing Morgan out of my house with broom* Why are you here again?

*text alert*

me: i hope that’s my crush

pharmacy: thanks for picking up your antipsychotics today

I applied for a loan from the U.S. Government, but was turned down because I had a legitimate repayment plan

Drinking alcohol can lead to many things, like uneating your food.

My doctor says I should try running with scissors.

[First Date]

Me: “I’m sorry. It’s just that I’ve been burned before.”

*Stuffs handful of fries through visor in hazmat suit
*Closes visor

Me: I will never work for my boss again…

She: Why? What did he say to you??

Me: ‘You are Fired’