“I’m taking condiments in a bold new direction” I whisper as I squeeze a tube of toothpaste on my hot dog. The dentists all cheer for me.
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Link: [plays ‘Song of Time’]
Zelda: No no that’s all wrong! There’s no E in that melody.
Link: [plays ‘Song of Tim’]
the term “domestic housewife” implies the existence of a feral housewife and that is what i aspire to be
Being held for questioning sounds more romantic than it is
[commercial for pants]
*naked guy attempts to put phone in pocket, falls on floor, cracks screen*
There has to be a better way!
The part in Forrest Gump where the rich guy decides to quit running and leave his followers out in the desert reminds me a lot of politics
If I had a dime for every time my kids called mom I could buy my own island but my kids would still find me.
Learn how to read a book again simply by sticking a twitter Avi alongside every paragraph…….
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If I was a rapping novelist, my stage name would be Warren Piece.
Told my mom I hit 1200 Twitter followers. She pointed out how my brother owns a house and I’m wanted by several collection agencies. Oh ma!
so amazing how my parents found each other even though they were from opposite ends of the eyebrow spectrum
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Wife: You won’t believe what Diane did at work today
Me: (thinking, “I don’t care”)
Wife: I heard that
No, YOU forgot you colored your hair and nearly screamed because there was a strange woman in your hotel bathroom.
Someone’s fallen Lord
Hashtag Lol
Someone’s fallen Lord
Hashtag Lol
Someone’s fallen Lord
Hashtag Lol
Oh Lord Hashtag Lol
If Jesus was a cat we’d have nine Easters.
me: [searching for the will to live]
will: I have a girlfriend
I have really bad hearing & thought he said “I love turds” but he said “nerds” & now I don’t know what to do with this shit in my underwear.
Mad that so many renaissance artists were named after ninja turtles
Before couples have children, they should walk head-on into a Category 5 hurricane to make sure they’re ready.
haunted house: get. out.
me: (telling spicy gossip) right?
It’s not procrastination, if you don’t do it at all. 🤨
After someone threw milkshake at a politician today, people are saying it could have been a bomb, which is crazy because why would you throw milkshake at a bomb?
me: “im using this quarantine to learn something new each day”
friend: “what did you learn today?”
me: “guitar”
friend: “no way you learned guitar in one day. prove it”
me, opening a guitar case: “this is a guitar”
friend:
me: “tomorrow im going to learn what a piano is”
WIFE: *all cute* you wanna make me French toast?
ME: *not looking up from my phone* I would never make you kiss anything you didn’t want to, Sharon.
A horror movie, but it’s just me: struggling into my shape wear and then remembering I should’ve peed first.
‘Becoming A Mother Has Been The Most Thrilling Experience Of My Life,’ Reports Woman Fleeing Hospital With Stolen Baby
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Her: Even if I was trapped on a desert island with you, I still wouldn’t have sex with you.
Me: You’re thinking about sex in that situation? What is wrong with you? WHAT ARE WE GOING TO DO FOR FOOD, BRENDA?
I remember when you could order a sandwich without having to identify all the traffic lights first
live, laugh, laundry.
*arouses suspicion*
Suspicion: I have a boyfriend. But c’mere.
I stopped carrying a grudge
Weigh me now