Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Unfortunate story layout on Apple News this morning.

if you push your belly button and nose at the same time your brain takes a screenshot

[walks up to guys playing basketball]
“mind if I join?”
you any good?
Hell yeah I’m good. Toss me the orange sphere

Me, alone in a soundproof room within another soundproof room: *slowly and carefully tears open candy wrapper*

Kids: WHATCHA EATING?!?

[under heavy sniper fire]
Platoon leader: where’s that sniper fire coming from?
Me [crying a fair bit]: a big gun with a telescope on it

I have decided to leave my past behind me.. so If I owe you money..I’m sorry. but I’ve moved on.

I’m just a girl, sitting on a plane, watching each person come closer to the empty seat beside me and thinking “please don’t sit here”.

If you’ve ever wanted to take a tiny bag of poop on a tour of your neighbourhood, owning a dog might be right for you

Let’s go to bed and do naughty things.

Fast forward to: jumping on the bed wearing our shoes and giggling uncontrollably.

18: I’m going to ask the stylist what color screams parental issues.

Me: …

idk what this dog had been going through but same

Hug your teenagers today. In all likelihood they’ll be mortified by it and you can enjoy that sweet, albeit brief, victory.

Walmart is always a good place to see someone in the process of hitting their child.

I freely admit to snorting with laughter #piggate #pigfilms

ME: welcome to my man cave.

PROCTOLOGIST: please stop calling it that.

First kid: All organic.
Second kid: Cupcakes aren’t for breakfast, now eat your coco puffs.
Third kid: Popcorn counts as a vegetable.

こいつ天才

I’m going to try and be less of a people pleaser, is everyone ok with that?

I sexually identify as a cup of ramen noodles. I’m little, cheap, will leave you unsatisfied and i’m the last resort for many people.

GF: Sue at the bra shop said u got some lingerie

ME: …

G: Only u didn’t give it to me

M: [nervously adjusting thong] I’m having an affair

New medication warning label says not to take in the presence of two or more goats.

Just passed a psychiatric hospital. Anyways, wanted to let you know I was thinking of you today.

Interviewer: so tell me your strengths

Me: conducting interviews

Interviewer: *narrows eyes*

Me: so tell me your weaknesses

Interviewer: *starts sweating*

MY KID: I’m ready to go I just need to get my shoes on

ME: *visibly ages*

Kids are a great reminder that, when life knocks you down, you can’t stay down for long. No, because literally they’re going to ask you to make them a sandwich like right after.

ME: I’ll put a sexy movie on
DATE: Good idea
*presses play*
D: Shrek?
M: omg embarrassing
D: Haha
M: [fumbling with DVD] Meant to be Shrek 2

Me: look who came by for a little sucky sucky

Vampire: don’t say it like that

[wakes up next to perfectly crocheted sweater with knitting needles in hands]
Oh dear god not again

“What should we put in the middle of this mall?”

How bout some chairs?

“That idea sucks”

A little pond to throw money in?

“Oh hell yeah”

If you get caught about to eat food off the floor, just pretend you lost your contact.