Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

CASHIER: have a nice day
ME: how

McDonalds could burn to the ground and I bet the fries would still be cold

The last time I danced like nobody was watching, someone stabbed me with an EpiPen.

Don’t call them paint “chips” if you don’t want me to snack on em.

Its trashy to reveal your special attack on the first date

[concert]

lead singer: HOW WE DOING TONIGHT, INDIANAPOLIS?!?

me, from the back of the venue: I DROVE IN FROM A NEIGHBORING SUBURB SO I DON’T FEEL COMFORTABLE ANSWERING FOR THOSE LIVING IN THE ACTUAL CITY!

My son called a paper cupcake liner a “muffin skirt” and I immediately trademarked it

Hey, people who use crystals or all-natural products instead of deodorant: You don’t need to keep informing us. We know.

Jesus: One among you will betray me.
John: No way dude.
Matthew: No way dude.
Judas: *thumbing through designer cross catalogue* Plausible.

i like my men like i like my coffee, secretly alcoholic.

*calls child protective services*
PROTECTIVE SERVICES: Why would you name me this, mom?

hi, how are you?

–yoda asking how high you are

*gets on 1 knee*

Me: I know we haven’t known each other for a long time, but will you marry me?

Her: Please get off my knee

does my company policy say i can bring 7 or 8 ducks to work? no. does it say i cannot bring 7 or 8 ducks to work? also no.

I don’t like swiss cheese because a block is like half air and I prefer cheese to oxygen

In a dog eat dog world, the chocolate lab is the most delicious, yet poisonous of all breeds.

BELLE: I love you

BEAST: You broke the curse!
[transforms into hideously ugly man]

BELLE: Welp, guess you’re all good. I gotta roll. Peace

Thanks for the reply to my tweet from 2013, champ. I’ll be sure to take your advice.

*purposely chooses network with most dropped calls*

[office]

DAVE: We’re having a baby

SUE: Congratulations!

ME: [suspicious that Dave is a seahorse] Looking forward to the birth, Dave?

Husband Bear: Honey! I’m home!
Wife Bear: For God’s sake, would you at LEAST say hello before demanding dinner?

Husband: *struggling to get soap out of the bottle*

Me: you know you could refill it

Husband: nah if you leave it long enough it fills up on its own

Me: do you think I’m the soap fairy!!?

Husband: omg are you?

Me: I hate you

TV COMMERCIAL: are you suffering from
ME: yes

I win arguments with cab drivers by getting out of the cab and leaving the door open.

“If you can’t beat them, join them,” I say, as I join my kids in demanding someone make breakfast.

BREAKING: Hobbit director Peter Jackson’s next huge undertaking to be 3-part movie series of The Cheesecake Factory menu.

Let’s play a game. You go hide. And I’ll go take a nap.

*i maintain solid eye contact with my boss, who is in the process of firing me for eating on the job, as i slowly pull out a chalupa from my coat pocket & begin eating it*

Psychic: This card means you will become a king with a lot of diamonds.

Me: Aren’t these supposed to be tarot cards?

Psychic: This card means you will get out of jail free.