Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I’m a barista which means I have 100 boyfriends and everyday they each give me one dollar

Doing the New York Times crossword puzzle in pen means you’re smart unless you’re doing it on an iPad.

My daughter was pretty pissed that someone called the cops, ending her party.

Whatever, I needed some sleep.

Shout out to all the animals that help Disney princesses get shit done.

What light through yonder window breaks…

Oh, wow, the sun really shows up how dirty the glass is!

If you ever get buried alive, use the extra time to think about what you did to put yourself in that situation so it doesn’t happen again.

If you send me a work memo on the weekend I respond with Linkin Park lyrics.

JUDITH! FETCH MY EVIL PLAN GLASSES!

*2 hours later has organised a small festival*

Dammit Judith, these are my party planning glasses!

As soon as they figure out sex, we’re saved.

‘Us Weekly’ Wins Pulitzer For Outstanding Achievement In Photoshopping A Rip Between Divorced Celebrity Couple

Silence is golden! Unless you have a toddler, then silence is very, very suspicious.

Curiosity gave the cat slightly high blood pressure but nothing to be concerned about.

sometimes when I finish eating a bag of microwave popcorn I try to eat a couple unpopped kernels just to convince myself it’s really over

Me: *turns on faucet*
Husband: *starts talking*
Me: *turns it off* What?
Husband: *says nothing*
Me: *turns on the garbage disposal*
Husband: *starts talking*
Me: *turns it off* What?
Husband: *says nothing*

Repeat forever.

A scary book should be called a boOoOok.

I don’t invite ppl in bc that’s how vampire dens come about.

Waiter: and for you?

Me: *after rehearsing in my head for 15 minutes* the chimney changas

My favorite part of Twisters was the throughline about the storm chasers being altruistic, ditching science to help people, like for instance telling them to go the opposite direction of the tornado, or find shelter, or “get down.” Where would these Oklahomans be without them

Told the kids me and husband were having adult time and under no circumstances were they to disturb us for the next 5-6 minutes

Darn, my 250 million years old salt has expired.

i’m so confused by this landlord’s request for “proof of employment” after I’ve sent him multiple W2s, pay stubs, and bank statements. does he want my github

Her: why are u breaking up with me

Me: *changing PowerPoint slides* I’ll take questions at the end Jen

I love when you stroke my ego.

My ego is inside my panties.

Sometimes I feel like I’m a bad mom but then I think, at least I didn’t give away one of my kids because her dad was annoying and then completely pretend she didn’t exist for eleven years until she accidentally met her twin at summer camp.

I saw some felted wool animals I liked, but if you think I’m paying $200 for felted wool animals, you’ve got felted wool rocks in your head.

POLICE: POLICE! OPEN UP!

ME: My parents never loved me.

POLICE: NOT EMOTIONALLY! OPEN THE DOOR!

ME: That makes way more sense.

Me: I prefer the natural look

Sephora: oh, then you’ll need these 15 products

Don’t worry, my tweet. Not all tweets can be winners… Daddy loves you just as much.

ME: I have good news & bad news
WIFE: Bad news first
M: We’re out of bananas
W: The good news?
M: *points to monkey in the kitchen*

WHY ARE WE ALLOCATING EMERGENCY AID FOR THE ARTS?

Screamed by people who have been watching Netflix, reading books, and playing video games for 18 hours/day.