I’m taking my box of wine back and filing a complaint.
It said once opened it would last 6 weeks, but it was gone after 3 hrs.
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Me gasping and flipping off the vultures as they circle above the running track
Accidentally spilled some rice on my iPhone, so am now going to have to leave it submerged in water overnight.
[The Second Coming]
Jesus: “People of the Earth! I have returned with news of God’s love an-“
Voice from the crowd: “DO THE WINE TRICK”
“White Purr!” – Ku Klux Kat
Everyone saying “Poor Steve Nash, he got hurt again”. POOR? That boy making $9,701,000 this year. If he poor, then I’m skinny.
*Tucks shirt in*
“Goodnight, shirt.”
If anyone wants to know how WWIII will actually start…. 🤣
If I could travel back in time to before the pandemic to give myself one bit of advice, it would be to steal more stationary from work. Much more.
Imagine having a baby that didn’t photograph well for Instagram. What a waste.
My dog and I are just drivin around, listenin to music and OMG DOG DO YOU EVEN HAVE A LICENSE? PAWS AT 10 AND 2. DO NOT FOLLOW THAT SQUIRREL
*God inventing raccoons*
God: Hehe.. this’uns my lil bandit
Dude, u ok?
God: Ima give him a lil mask
Get some sleep
God: He’ll rob stuff lol
I see ur bio says ‘Medical Intern’. Can you take a look at this *sends DM of mother-in-laws face* n tell me if it’s infected. It is right?
my lawyer: deny everything
me: no
Let’s talk about my ability to hold a grudge. Back in ’78, a friend of mine bought me an album by The Rolling Stones, but she opened it and recorded it first. To this day, I refer to her as “Kathy, you know, the one that opened that album…”
I was never a photogenic person, because when everyone said cheese I said “WHERE ?”
[g/friends dad]
“who in your opinion is the greatest football player of all time?”
Me – [say a real name say a real name] “Football Man”
When life gives you lemons, give the lemons back. Why were the lemons free? Is something wrong with the lemons? Are the lemons haunted? Be suspicious of the lemons.
jewelry making tip: a simple can of gold spraypaint can turn a chicken nugget into a gold nugget
“pew, pew, pew!”
-me, pointing out seating options in a church
New guy: I really like your name
Me: Thanks I got it for my birthday
Hey, if we have the same make and model car & you park right next to me at the store, don’t look so surprised when I get in your car by mistake, dude.
her: You look really good.
me: Thanks! That’s a really cool pen. Where did you get it?
Cashier: Will that be all?
Me: No, I have a bunch more stuff to get, I just wanted to show you what I’ve got so far.
If they ever reboot Grease, it must be directed by M. Night Shama-lamma-ding-dong.
When I was a kid: why do athletes retire in their 30s they’re still so young
Me in my 30s now: *trying to get up from a couch* yep ok
Y’all know who you are.
purely hypothetical question, just for fun: what should somebody do if they have to dispose of many human bones?
The most high pressure life situation is doing math in front of someone.
A general rule of parenting: If you’re having a great day, a 4yo will be along shortly to vomit all over you.
The longer you’re married, the more foreplay it takes to get her excited. I’m up to a week and a half now 🤨