I’m taking my kids with me to the office today. They’ll learn about my industry and what I do for a living and my coworkers will learn why I show up to work looking like a disheveled, defeated husk of a man.
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*shakes the internet like a magic 8-ball* What am I mad about today?
Maybe put an Apple Air Tag in your F-35 jets.
People Complain They’ve Been Cancelled; coming soon to prime time television.
Guys, the best way to keep your SO happy is to let her think she’s smarter than you, if you’re on Twitter she probably is anyway.
sloth: *arriving at his prison cell*
prison guard: ok you’re free to go
hey we’re calling off the search party. we found a different guy out there we like more
*sneaks into neighbor’s garage & stuffs confetti into the nozzle of his leaf blower*
Police say a man was found lying dead on his couch and wrapped in a blanket. Apparently there were signs of a snuggle.
I sprayed a mosquito with mosquito repellent and now he’ll never have any friends.
me: i’ll just soak this dish so it’s easier to clean
brain: probably will be good in a minute
me: yeah but imagine how good it’ll be in a month
Baby: *sleeps longer than expected*
Me: *checks if baby is alive*Kid: *makes loud thud from other room*
Me: *checks if kid is alive*Teen: *hasn’t sighed in an hour*
Me: *checks if teen is alive*
*Batman voice*
Elections give me diarrhea.
Welcome to earth! You have a choice of private parts. Would you like the one that creates life & bleeds or the constant bad decision maker?
We’re going to run out of sausage if no one ever wants to know how it’s made
I wish my car ran on shattered dreams instead of gas. I’d be able to make it to Canada on my failed ninja goals alone.
I stood for an entire general admission concert at age 46, will my prize be mailed to me or…
Me: this math stuff isn’t gonna help us in the real world
[20 years later]
Boss: ok lift on three
Me: oh shit
“You do realize, that’s completely idiotic, and makes no sense at all…Right?”
-People who are told how tennis is scored for the first time
Me: *paddles kayak in circles until someone comes out to help me*
Them: You need some help out here?
Me: Can you bring me a beer?
Hot chick without makeup: her beauty is so effortless & carefree
Me without makeup: why is that very sick grandma not in a home
Walking into WalMart with my kids, “Remember, kids – use your Target voices.”
I’ve been singing “it’s the most wonderful time of the year” to my kids in honor of school starting, and wow, are they mad about it.
This lasagna recipe has been handed down in my family for generations in the hopes that someone would eventually make it.
Why do porn sites have a share to Google+ option? I don’t want my friends knowing I use Google+
Have you ever taken a nap so good you think you’ve missed the school bus but it’s Sunday and you’re 56
Me: I never use essential oils
Car mechanic: that’s why it’s on fire
My 4yo niece: do you have a girlfriend?
Me: no
Niece: a boyfriend?
Me: no
[pause]Niece: do you have a friend?
Friend: Okay dating is really easy. You just have to act super natural
*later on date*
Me: *napkin on head* ooOOOooOo