I’m taking my kids with me to the office today. They’ll learn about my industry and what I do for a living and my coworkers will learn why I show up to work looking like a disheveled, defeated husk of a man.
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Why does every toy in Toy Story always stop moving when a human is around? Who do they answer to? Who created that rule ? WHO IS THEIR GOD?
Therapist: let go of my collar
We just need them to keep making increasingly serious movies until we finally understand the character of the Joker, a clown who is mean.
The X-Files will have 3 back to back episodes that are dead serious about elaborate conspiracies where anyone can be killed for knowing too much, and then the very next episode will be like “Scully there’s a dude I wanna check out who thinks he’s a goat”
Then darkness fell upon the Earth, and the demons rose to torture and feast on our souls.
CW: Jeeze Ange, it was just a cloud, lighten up.
“Babe I’m ready for bed”
“Why so early its the weekend?”
[background]
“Next up Channel 6 News reveals Ashley Madison’s local business men”
Tweezers? Razor? Oh, hell no! By the time this is over, I’m going to need new shears and a lawn mower.
Based on the number of AVI pics taken in your cars, I’m guessing that quite a few of you girls are on the run
Everyone at the office is going crazy because I faxed someone a hot dog
BOSS: I need to see you in my office
ME: *I begrudgingly take off my invisibility cloak* oh alright
Linda from the office calls it a shawl but I know a shitty cape when I see one.
[after solid first date]
Ok play it cool, don’t wanna seem too eager..*texts her 47 years later*
“Had a great time the other night :)”
when i see someone at the grocery store buying a super common item like mayo i like to walk by and in passing say “oh that stuff is really good i highly recommend it”
Why did they call it an umbilical cord and not womb service?
inventor of the sauna: it’s a box and it makes you want to die of heat and dehydration, like microdosing dying in a desert
Dr: We need you to come back for additional blood work…
Me: Why, is something wrong?!
Dr: Yes. Your blood sample was mostly champagne…
I just clipped my little toe on patio furniture. Prayers needed for my husband who rearranged everything without telling me.
“I’m taking a social media break.”
– People who will be back in 7 minutes.
I’ve just seen my doctor quickly close the Wikipedia page for ‘bones’
Some dude was bragging about his brother being a navy seal and it’s like…I don’t care what colour he is, why is your brother a seal
The coronavirus is exactly like that houseguest who won’t take the hint to leave but who also won’t stop killing people.
I talk a lot of shit for someone who just climbed out my passenger side door because there was a wasp on my window.
The coolest part of the Bible is where one couple somehow populates the world by having kids from every race and ethnicity.
[Being a public nuisance, drinking from a paper bag]
[Cop approaches, grabs bottle]
[It’s 40 oz of Yoohoo]
Cop: where did you even get this
My favorite type of Facebook marketplace sales are “people who gradually realize its impossible to get rid of a piano”
The dinner I made tonight wasn’t great. Luckily it only took 2 hours to make, cost $83 in ingredients, and needed multiple pots and pans.
Good news, people in 3rd world countries, suffering inexplicable hardships- Amy from fb says god won’t give you more than you can handle.
[Jedi Academy]
Why do you want to be Jedi?[Imagines using ‘the force’ to steal everyone’s cats and building a cat army]
To keep the peace
Wife : A jogger was murdered in the park last night.
Me : Well that’s all the motivation I need. *Goes for a jog in the park*
Establish dominance by shaking your spouse’s hand when they go in for a kiss.