Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Starting tomorrow all opinions of mine directly reflect those of my employers.

Doctor 1: burrowing mites under the skin is pretty gross, but how do we make it sound even grosser?

Doctor 2: let’s call it scabies

Doctor 1: YES!! done

“I’m not like other American tourists.” I tell the waiter, who looks at us puzzled, so I sigh and repeat myself slower and louder.

glitter can neither be created nor destroyed, only transferred from one location to another

to someone with x-ray vision two people making out look like skeletons that are really bad at eating each other

*gets naked*
*gets baked*
*doesn’t get why they don’t rhyme*

I only block people that deserve it and those I don’t like because of completely made up scenarios.

Of all the terrible tweets credited to sausagey-sounding clerics, this one is by Father Wurst.

[harry potter, college edition]

Voldemort: the boy who lived, come t-

Harry: yeah yeah just kill me already

Voldemort: wh-what

Harry: i’m $100k in debt and i have a masters in communications

Voldemort: *giggling* on second thought nevermind

9am: “Right, that’s my sandwich made ready for lunchtime”

9.05am: “Right, that’s that sandwich eaten”

*plugs my phone in to charge when it’s at 80%*
*lets the low battery warning on my fire alarm beep for 6 months*

Me: I’d like to schedule an eye exam.
Receptionist; Any particular reason?
Me: Bikini season.

“Hi I’m an evil ghost with the ability to defy time & space, but I think the best example of my powers will be to slightly close this door.”

I swear people go to Starbucks and just say random words…

“Lemme get a grande iced mocha no foam quad soy hexagon vortex hypothesis with steamed ice”.

NOBODY MOVE I LOST AN HOUR

I’m hoping the next currency fad will be allen wrenches. I’ll be a gazillionaire.

Internet dating? No thanks. I like the internet, but I don’t like like the internet.

A lonely rooster sees neon sign flashing HOT CHICKEN STRIPS, walks into Popeyes and cringes in horror as he drops his dollar bills

My smart washer was hacked by the Russians so I couldn’t do laundry today, at least that’s what I’m going to tell her.

I went in to a pet shop. I said, “I would like to buy a goldfish?” The guy said, “Do you want an aquarium?”

I said, “I don’t care what astrological sign it is.”

How do I delicately tell my toddler that her birthday is actually 254 days away and not tomorrow like she says it is? With a cake? Maybe some balloons?? A few new toys wrapped in wrapping paper???

My 2 year old just figured out how to block light from getting in her eyes using her hands and now she’s verbally taunting the sun. I appreciate her moxie, but a literal star war with a nuclear reactor 330,000 times the size of the Earth is the LAST thing we need right now.

Expectant Parent: What’s it like being a parent?

Me: Have you ever wrestled an alligator covered in vaseline?

Expectant Parent:

Me: Don’t worry, you’ll learn.

ME: I’m sorry, I’m just really bad with names.

HIM: Hey, don’t worry about it. Do you want to check your wallet? It’ll be on your driver’s license.

Don’t bother putting your hand over my mouth to shut me up, I will lick you.

Hear me out. A new princess that repels mosquitoes…Citronella.

Walt Disney:

[date]

Him: Would it bother you to learn that I’m married?

Her: Look, I don’t believe in bigamy.

Him: So size doesn’t matter either? Phew!

Me: Makes a Reddit post about my efforts to avoid arguing about politics with my parents over Thanksgiving.

Reddit users: Yeah, but you probably want to argue politics with strangers, right? Because I’m angry about the following things…

Nope, no thank you.

all these boys want a goth girlfriend but don’t study the moves of one gomez addams.

Arguing with strangers on the internet is like yelling at a parking meter. I mean, I still do it sometimes, but nobody wins.