I’m taking my niece and nephew to the corn maze today. If I can’t lose them there, I’ll try the mall again.
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Bouncy balls are super fun if you love to play with something very briefly, then spend 45 minutes looking for it in a shrub.
Unpopular opinion: I don’t like that country song about that road.
Robin: Gee Bruce, how come you get to wear dark concealing colors and I have to wear bright Red, Yellow and Green?
Batman: You’re the decoy
“How was the beach? You hang ten or what?”
No but I stabbed a couple because they kept asking stupid questions about my vacation
my deep-seated irrational fear of ceiling fans has been vindicated
Shhhhh! I can’t hear about how God spoke to you! I’m busy listening to my toaster tell me about his day.
DOCTOR SNAIL: *out of breath* I got here as fast as I could. How’s the patient?
NURSE: *Pointing to a skeleton in the bed* Not good
Why does my 2yo insist on looking homeless when we leave the house?
You never see zombies lying around being lazy, so maybe we should EMBRACE the possibility of a zombie apocalypse. I think it could turn some of us into real go-getters.
People should throw rice at baptisms and not weddings that little baby is all wet and needs help drying.
I was gutted this afternoon when my wife told me my 6 year old son wasn’t actually mine.
She then said I need to pay more attention at school pick up.
[boarding plane]
ME: Shotgun!
COPILOT: Can he do that?
PILOT: Looks like you’re in economy today, Ted.
COPILOT: *clenching fists* Damnit.
The Little Mermaid is a bullshit title. She was a regular sized mermaid.
If you’re asking me to choose sides, I’ll always choose potato salad.
People on Twitter trying to one-up you in the comments like:
“Oh, someone close to you died? Well I’m in the process of saying my last wor-“
I bet birds love this building.
Never eat ice cream while chatting online. Sister: why are you typing so slowly Me: well my other hands busy. She hasnt replied yet.
me: [receives unexpected money] omg i can’t wait to finally get stuff i’ve wanted
my house: what’s this about extra money?
Him: “Part of having a sense of humor is knowing when to show restraint.”
Me: “Yeah, but this is Twitter.”
If Reincarnation ends up being real…
Those People who got “YOLO” tattoos are going to look… Pretty Silly
I love how people say ‘walk before you run’ like I’m going to be running at some point.
For parents, college is the opposite of kidnapping. They demand $100,000 from you or they’ll send your kid back.
“Paypal me your lunch money!” -Cyber Bullies
Not a big conspiracy theory guy but I’m convinced that Nature Valley Crunchy Granola Bars are made by Dyson.
every time i ask a guy where he got his sunglasses, their answer is like “15 years ago my friend found these on the ground and then he left them in my car. now we both own the sunglasses and we share them. this is my weekend with the sunglasses”
The Royal Family is doing casting calls for blurry white women with brown hair.
Blurry girlies everywhere are like this is our time
Remember when our biggest fear in 2019 was lettuce?
i got sudden, inexplicable ear pain. my friend woke up with sudden, inexplicable eye pain. if any of you start having sudden, inexplicable mouth pain, lmk. i think we are supposed to be sold as a box set.
🙉🙈🙊
Her: You know I love it when you pull my hair…
Me: Yes, baby
Her: But the other people at this PTA meeting are beginning to stare.