I’m taking my teen driving so if I don’t make it back just know my last words were probably “HIT THE F’ING BRAKE!!!”
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Me: Dear Santa…
Santa: *scrolling my TL*
I’m going to just stop you right there.
When someone asks for advice about dumping their partner, they don’t mean in the woods.
I know that now.
“Want a treat?”
“Is it medicine?”
“It’s peanut butter.”
“Is it medicine?”
“You love peanut butter!”
“ANSWER THE QUESTION, DOUG.”
Dating tip for ladies: some guys will be scared off if you don’t wait until the third date before asking him to murder your husband.
If you watch Home Alone backwards it’s a loving story about an 8 year old boy that heals two men that were savagely beaten
fair
Does your wife know you met your soulmate here three times last month?
ME: is he always this quiet
WIDOW: *sobs harder*
When you meet your one true soulmate, you just know. I knew it immediately with my first three.
Google needs a “you really don’t want to know” search answer.
sometimes you do your food shopping for the week and every meal feels like a little treat from your past self, sometimes you do your food shopping for the week and every meal feels like it was planned by a malevolent buffoon, hellbent on crushing your morale
Everyone talks about how good car sex is while I’m still over here trying to have sex with a person first.
i want the first line of my obituary to be about how i once used an umbrella three different times before losing it
Her: In case you’re interested, I’m dying.
Me: Then I’ll only set one place for dinner.
My professor handed back our 3 page film essays to my surprise I got a C after class I asked her why “you were supposed to write it about the movie The Emperor of Time.. you wrote it on The Emperor’s new Groove but it was kinda good so I didn’t fail you” so thats how im doing
Sorry, can’t. I took my bra off and threw it across the room an hour ago. There’s no coming back from that.
instagram: look at my new boyfriend
twitter: I can’t get a boyfriend
reddit: my [21F] boyfriend [53M] boyfriend forbids me from going into the basement and has a sock drawer full of missing women’s driver’s licenses, AITA for being uncomfortable? the wedding is in three hours
Don’t just lay there… Move! Bounce! Do something!!
~ me, pleading with my hair
Wife: Did you give the kids a bath?
Me: I got the dirt off.
Wife: What does that mean?
Me: *hides the leaf blower*
A college girl sends a text to her BF who doesn’t respond “Could this night get any worse?” unaware that an alien fleet approaches earth
*Gwen Stefani as a girl selling $2 snacks in front of her house*
CUSTOMER: Do you have any $1 snacks?
GWEN: I ain’t no dollar snack girrrrrl!
Sorry not sorry.
[at a party]
host: would you like a tour
me: no thanks, but hey while I have you here… which room would you describe as “off limits”
Feeling invisible and unnoticed?
Put in your ear buds and they won’t shut the hell up.
I have a friend who met her husband when her mom married his much older brother when she was 8. So her future husband was the much younger brother of her stepdad. I usually lose people around this point and have to say, “Imagine if you and your mom had the same mother-in-law”
Happened to go back & look at my most recent review at work, where my manager literally wrote “you go above, and beyond, attending meetings even on your days off, and you’re an excellent team player” and then marked it as meets expectations!
I’m about to be so unsatisfactory 🖕🏻
Me: how much for the horse kabobs
Ride operator: it’s a carousel
I pulled a muscle trying to avoid my neighbor in the grocery store.
13 just did his laundry without provocation.
I’m sure he wants something, but he’s scaring the hell out of me.
Goblin adventurer whose catchphrase is “no goblemo”