I’m taking myself to the movies this afternoon. I’ll probably hold my own hand and flirt with myself too.
“No please, let me buy the m&m’s. You’re so thin.”
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I would like to confirm to the 14yo me that the best thing about being an adult is going to bed when you want.
I’ll omit the bit about it being 7:30pm.
boy: i hate being poor
grandpa: were going to fun factory
mr chocolate: hello naughty children its murder time
You can sing along to a good song in my car as long as you don’t take lead vocals. Just accept that you’re a background singer or get out.
Please pray for my 5yo who demanded I get him a glass of water because he’s “too thirsty to walk to the kitchen”.
What would Jesus do? Today, take Mary out to Olive Garden.
Sometimes I feel so bad about not being perfect but then I remember people who expect you to be perfect all the time are exhausting and then I scratch my armpits like a monkey.
A girl on TikTok just said she is wearing her aunts vintage top from the early 2000’s and I’m dead.
I’ve never simultaneously loved something so much and wanted it to shut up as badly as I do with my kids.
why does mommy cry when she cuts onions?
“she feels guilty cuz she stole them. see *lifts son onto lap* your mother likes to steal onions”
Her: I’m pregnant!
Bob Ross: [shocked] That’s…a mistake.
Her: Well we didn’t plan it, but don’t you always say-
Bob Ross: THAT is about PAINTING, Linda!
How do you restore your body back to ‘factory settings’?
Is it kale? it’s kale, isn’t it? please don’t say kale.
If I ever suddenly drop dead during a covert McDonald’s lunch visit, my wife gonna be so pissed when she finds that untouched cucumber and hummus sandwich in my backpack.
Can’t afford the chiropractor so I’m just going to lay down in the road and hope for the best.
All my scars & bruises tell a story.
The story of a guy who falls down A LOT when he’s drunk.
Teacher: “What is your favorite musical instrument?”
Me: “The lunch bell.”
Psychology majors be like damn I can’t even be mad at you bc I know why you reacted the way you did
picture a potato but sexy
lol i just tricked u into thinking of me naked
Be the elephant you wish to see in the room.
Her: why are u breaking up with me
Me: *changing PowerPoint slides* I’ll take questions at the end Jen
Goose parade in The Netherlands.. 😊
– That Spiderman actor just asked if he could borrow a strand of metal to tie a honey-making insect’s coffee cup to the back of his car.
– Tow bee mug wire?
– No, Tom Holland.
GOLDFISH: hi dog
DOG: hi grayfish
GOLDFISH: hi dog
DOG: u said that already
GOLDFISH: said what
Man, my 84-year-old neighbor must REALLY like working on his car. He’s been under there changing the oil for 3 days.
My 7yr old walked up with a candy wrapper she’d found in the garbage “WHAT is this? Did YOU eat this?” “Yes, I bought it. At the store. With my own money.” I replied, beads of sweat forming on my forehead. I didn’t do anything wrong but oh how I felt like I really, really did.
A smile can turn someone’s day around, especially if you’re hiding in their closet.
to get my cat to eat, I tell him about all the hungry cats in Catfrica
“Hey Google, set an alarm for 5 AM”
Google: “No. That’s stupid.”
I like to test the waters by pushing people in.
GROUND CONTROL: Major Tom how you doin’ up there?
MAJOR TOM: Floating in a most peculiar way. The stars look very different today…
GROUND CONTROL: *hits mute button* Again with this guy. *releases button* That’s great. How ’bout we run through some flight diagnostics?
*plastic vampire teeth falling out of my mouth* are you theriouthly breaking up wiff me??