Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

“I’m two bingo numbers away from winning a turkey,” is the most erotic thing I said aloud today.

My son ran away again, but it gets worse. He changed the wifi password before he left.

[me as a passenger on the titanic]
oh ewww are there olives in this salad? YOU be quiet lillian, i swear this trip cannot possibly get worse

I feel so discombobulated when supermarkets switch up the aisles without texting me first.

Abs are made in the kitchen, but a six pack can be bought in a store

Lord of the Rings is about a bunch of straight men fighting over jewelry.

There’s never enough good news

The human body is incredible. Right now, if I so desired, I could do 15 percent of a backflip and wreck my shit right here on the sidewalk.

My daughter returned from a birthday party without bringing me cake. She said they didn’t even have cake. They had cupcakes. And they were the mini ones. And they got one each.

This is not a birthday party, it’s a horror movie.

Five second rule? Pfft. What’s the point of having an immune system if you’re not going to use it?

The robotic urge to ask humans to prove they’re not robots.

#Homeschooling Day 5:
Hung out in the teacher’s lounge until lunch. Snacks were awesome.
Now singing karaoke on the school announcement system.
We got this.

Me: ‘I need to lose some weight.’

Fries: ‘Let’s do it together.’

Traveler’s camo

24 astronauts were born in Ohio. What is it about that state that makes people want to flee the planet?

Siri, when does the restraining order expire?

Me: This is my semester. Imma get it together and graduate.

Sinus infection followed immediately by stomach flu: Right…

my brain: knows jfc stands for Jesus Fricking Christ

also my brain: John F. Cennedy

ALSO my brain: Jentucky Fried Chicken

Unscramble: pnise

If you got spine, you are correct. The rest of you have been on twitter too long.

A bad analogy is like a cucumber

Survival Tip: if a bear comes at you, do not try to “sweep the leg”. They’ve all seen The Karate Kid and learned how to defend against it.

Me: I saved $2000 remodeling the bathroom [flexes muscles].
Her: Did you add the hospital visit?
Me:

My wife: “What’s Twitter like?”

Me: “It’s amazing.”

Her: “OK, I’ll join.”

Me: “Oh look, Twitter just shut down forever. That’s too bad.”

Just walked up at the movies and the box-office lady looks at me and goes “lemme guess, one for Furiosa?” like wtf, come on bro. Also yes, one for Furiosa.

Waking up late is a great way to see which steps of your personal hygiene are really unnecessary.

pretty drunk right now and wow there is a lot of gravity on this planet

I don’t ask a lot from an elevator, but if you can’t get the buttons right, what else did you screw up?

Got a passcode lock that takes a picture whenever someone tries the wrong code to look in my phone.

I now have fifty pictures of drunk me.

*wife runs back into our house which is on fire*

What are you doing!?

W: I just want to straighten up a little before the firemen get here

I’m not responsible for the things I say when you’re stupid.