I’m taking part in a scavenger hunt. I have already killed twelve scavengers
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No one:
Cats: When they say “get off” ignore them, we’re cats.
ME: I was left in the woods as a baby.
DATE: So, were you raised by wolves?
ME: Not exactly. *gnaws a tree in half*
I ended it after I checked his browser history and found hundreds of video game walk-throughs. Once a cheater, always a cheater.
A time machine. But just to go back and eat the donuts I once refused.
I put my height in my tinder bio and 6 men unmatched with me…..i’m gonna break into y’alls houses and put all the remotes on top of the fridge
My life is just like the Friends theme song if you take out all the references to having friends.
[trying to make it work with this really good looking girl that I have nothing in common with] ok what’s your 12th favourite juice?
guys please don’t talk about the healthcare vote I’ve got it tivoed
*Turns on work computer*
*Enters Username and Passwords for 43 various programmes and immediately locks computer as it’s now lunchtime*
*Logs back into computer. Enters Username and Passwords for 43 various programmes and immediately closes down computer as it’s time to go*
I don’t own a Roomba vacuum but I do have a dog who follows my kids around while they eat their snacks
Me: this is my favorite place to do cartwheels but you have to watch out for the rocks
Date: those are headstones
Googles “what happens if you accidentally eat raw cookie dough”
[5 minutes later]
“twice”
super glad this box of pasta says “store in a cool dry place” because i usually keep all of my groceries in a bog
Day 4. They suspect nothing.
You can’t satisfy me in bed,
you’re not 7 pillows.
CARPET SALESMAN: [sighing, handing me another sample] What about this one for your bedroom?
ME: Hmmm no that one is also far too small
Me: My car makes a weird noise when I turn.
Mechanic: For how long?
Me: Just until I’m done turning.
Mechanic:
My husband lost 10 lbs without trying. I’m waiting for him to apologize.
I ordered a large pizza and before answering the door, I yelled, “Pizza is here,” so the delivery guy doesn’t think I’m eating a large all by myself.
When I was a kid, I literally thought “This little pig went to market” meant it went shopping.
landlords thinking they deserve a tip is actually crazy
Love triangle? You mean this Dorito?
8 has had his harmonica for barely a week and is already recording tutorials for his ‘fans’ so if anyone would like a class on how to sound like a cat choking on another cat hit me up
I was asked to babysit once but it didn’t go very well.
You’re not meant to sit on them.
[I’m the Director of the Pentagon but that kid Skyler from down the street won’t stop bullying me]
ME: *sobbing* stop! stop it!
SKYLER: *using my hands to tap on missile control panels* quit nuking yerself! quit nuking yerself! ahaha
*power goes out*
wife: Great, I just bought ice cream
me [already eating it] I’m on it
If you name a baby Barbara, the baby turns 50 years old immediately.
My wife said she for Lent she was giving up eating meat. I thought she did that after the wedding vows.
“Steak and Shake” great burgers and also a good way to kill baby vampires.
why does the radiologist run behind that wall like they just pulled the pin out of a grenade wtf