I’m taking part in a scavenger hunt. I have already killed twelve scavengers
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Reverse interview. Here is my answer: “No”
Now, ask me the question
I have the impulse control of a random number generator.
THERAPIST: you’re always trying to make other people happy. You should focus on doing that for yourself too.
ME:
THERAPIST: ok?
Me: would that make you happy?
Bread puns are on the rise!
Me: I know every word of the Golden Girls theme song!
Job interviewer:…and a weakness?
Stork: I have a baby.
Pigeon: I have the mail.
Canary: I have bad news.
i’m almost fully convinced that the people who design jeans have never actually seen a human body
Failed my wasp collection exam. Got a bee.
ALEX TREBEK: this accidental discovery in 1928 opened the door to modern antibiotics
ME: *spraying a mouthful of popcorn* WHAT IS A DOORKNOB
“I have a favourite hole”, me, at the pool table.
[At Adele Concert]
Adele: Hello from the other siiiiiide
Me (shouting): Tell us your surname
You guys beat up on Catholicism, but any time you need an exorcism, there you are dialing up the rectory.
I told my husband no less than thrice not to get red delicious apples because they are not, in fact, delicious, so you all know what he came home with
Teacher: you failed your spelling test, all your words are missing a t
Dracula: *pulling out doctor’s note* oh you mean the little cross?
Recipe sites be like: Here’s a recipe, but first let me recite my family history back to 1578, tell you about my silly lil’ DUI I got in college, show you 57 pictures of my dog, and complain about my no-good spouse who is cheating with the landlord
[God creating cheesecake]
GOD: [stuffing his face] oh man this is so good
ANGEL: shouldn’t u share it?
GOD: [creates lactose intolerance]
ME: Humans have 10,000 taste buds. Cats have 470
SON: So cats don’t have much taste
CAT [watching the emoji movie] haha this is hilarious
Monopoly taught me that to become a truly successful property owner, I’m going to have to go to jail on a regular basis.
learn just enough tap dancing just to tap dance out of the room when you win an argument
Gonna get a job at Starbucks and write “Chad” on every cup.
LEAVE ME ALONE GRANDMA I’M ENTERTAINING LITERALLY TENS OF PEOPLE ON THE INTERNET
I miss getting my misinformation from less places
The advantage in having a lot of children is that statistically speaking, you’re bound to like at least one of them.
mafia boss: “i want you to send tony the rat a message”
me: “like what”
mafia boss: “a horses head or sumthin”
me: [sends txt: “hey tony 🐴”]
cant be in the office one more moment, I have a moral, legal and biological obligation to be in front of a roaring fire going honk-shooo honk-shoo mimimimi
People make me sick, unless you cook them properly.
11 year old: “I was thinking. What if Alexa gets mad and starts ordering parts from Amazon to build herself a body?”
Me: O_O
If Chlamydia didn’t have all those negative associations with STIs, it would make a beautiful baby name
I can’t afford Ugg boots, so I just never shave below the knee to create the illusion that I’m wearing them.
I prefer Big Caesars. Easier to cut weeth.