Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Every work call, he judges.

Her: I’m a sapiophile

Me: I don’t know what that is

Her: it’s being attracted to intelligence

Me: totally I am a sap… sapial… me too

I carry tumbleweed so I can let it roll across the floor during awkward silences.

Ever notice how many towns are named after their water tower?

Everyone shut up, my 1st grader is telling me a 30-minute long story about how Laberham Lincoln got shot.

I worked as a ticket runner during the Oakland Raiders football season. I’d get a text,

“I’m wearing a silver hat, silver jacket; I’m at the bar.”

It was the most challenging game of “Where’s Waldo?” I ever played.

This is exactly why pilots do a ‘walk around’ prior to flying. If not, the low tyre pressure on this aircraft (left in picture) would not have been detected. #Safety

I’d make a terrible meth head. I’d spend all my meth money on Reese’s peanut butter cups

Catch Pokemon?
No thanks. I’m STD- Free.

I like to tell my husband “this marriage ends in death” and let him interpret that however he wants.

A man sentenced to the electric chair is strapped in when the prosecutor asks for his last words. He replies, “You’re making a mistake… I’ve already been charged!” #DarkHumor #Jokes #LegalLaughs

Periods are stupid. Why am I being punished for not being pregnant? Shouldn’t confetti be falling from my uterus?

Perfect pizza run just now. Every light was green, every merge clear, cop chasing me got in an accident, I couldn’t believe my luck.

I just got a text from a number I don’t recognize saying, ‘You’re an embarrassment of a son’. I’ve narrowed it down to 2 people.

Active voice: I loved your book

Passive voice: Your book was loved

Passive-aggressive voice: I love how you felt the need to write a book

I don’t need a boyfriend so much as I need someone to remind me I’m baking cookies when I wander off to start something else

Me: and then I visited ancient Egypt

1-up Carl: well I’m going next year so it will be even more ancient then

Me: shit

SECURITY GUARD: “Sir, I have to check all backpacks”
ME: “ok”
*opens backpack*
*its full of hundreds of tiny backpacks*

Me: I’m just feeling really overwhelmed right now by your constant need for my attention. And you’re being like super pushy and needy and, I mean, I’m sorry if you feel rejected or whatever but like this is something you need to work on without me. Ok?

Bill collector: Um.

Never judge a book by its cover…

Take it to dinner and see how it treats the waitstaff, then judge it.

Cigarettes have warning labels because they are dangerous and addictive yet vaginas are allowed to just roam around freely.

the 1000 IQ baby who kills itself at 1 year old

gas pump: do you want a receipt? Y/N
me: *presses yes*
gas pump:
me: *pressing harder* YES
gas pump: lol nope

Any job can be a temp job if you forcibly swaddle your boss like an infant

therapist: and what motivation will we use ?

me: hate fueled spite ?

therapist: no

I like to diffuse situations with humor

And a machete

Really, Beyonce? You’re a multi-millionaire, and you expect people to believe you use £4.99 Loreal makeup?

wife: “what on earth are you doing?”
me: “making a penguin”
wife: “that’s a pigeon”
me: [opening freezer door] “not for long”

Me: *just woke up*
My gym bro: dude you look like you just woke up
Me: *panics in just have been woken up*

My son’s kindergarten teacher wanted to chat with me today because my son told his class that his mom died… and came back to life!