I’m taking part in a scavenger hunt. I have already killed twelve scavengers
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SCROOGE: Oh great spirit…why are we at the Olive Garden?
GHOST OF CHRISTMAS PASTA: These guys have endless breadsticks
THERAPIST: what brings you in today?
ME: sharks lack the ability to hug.
THERAPIST: *starts to cry*
I can turn a case of beer into a drunk man. Your move, Jesus.
SON: What will happen when I die?
DAD: Well son, you know how all dogs go to heaven?
SON: YA-
DAD: You’re not a dog.
I’ve not been into the office since March, but I can still smell the boiled eggs my coworker ate at lunch on that last day.
Never tell me to “make myself at home”…i’m just gonna eat all your cheese and then take a nap.
My husband and I are celebrating our “porcelain” anniversary in a few days. Sounds like someone is getting a new toilet this year.
I don’t know why Shark Tank rejected my Snore Stopper Pillow.
One time I had to Google “What is a Snooki?” ngl I was disappointed it wasn’t a new Muppet
Sure, there are plenty of fish in the sea, but they won’t have sex with you either.
Trainer: What kind of shape would you say your body is in?
Me: Butternut Squash
how do you get over the heartache of an ex whose cat ur never gonna see again?
Me: Of course I’m an adult, I pay bills
Also me: NO, YOU MAY NOT BORROW MY DARTH VADER SIPPY CUP.
*climbs Mt. Everest hoping to find clarity, PEACE & a deeper understanding of myself & the world*
“When did they put a Starbucks up here?”
I’m not here to judge anyone’s religion. I’m here to judge their misinterpretation of it.
If only my Fitbit could measure the calories I burn while seething.
My future’s so bright that I have to wear lampshades like an injured dog.
The whitest shit about Greek mythology is that when they hear sirens they get closer
I used to worry I was too sexy to be taken seriously. Life has proven me wrong, but not in the way I’d hoped
Oh OK thanks for the tip, I was actually planning on letting the bed bugs bite but good call
Interviewer: where do you see yourself in 5 years
Me: punching a goose in its mouth
Interviewer: you know actually we’ve already filled the position
Me: *clenches fist* was it a goose
“Welcome, teachers & parents, to our community school assembly”
*gestures to 237 IKEA boxes*
“Let’s begin! Who’s got the Allen wrench?”
You OK? You’ve barely touched your crocssant!?!
Yesterday my boss asked why I was tardy and I said, “I don’t think you’re supposed call people that any more.”
“Come reckon with me bro.”
-Force
Its crucial to teach your kids life lessons at home each day
Today’s lesson is: If you like your life DO NOT WAKE MOMMY UP AT 6AM EVER AGAIN
Number of times my dog has puked on:
the tile floor: 0
the carpet: 3,290
What if the alien abductions are all the same guy? The other grays hold a press conference and say “Oh, that’s just Kyle. He’s a jerk.”
Interviewer: what qualifies you as a horticulturist?
Me: I have something growing on everything in my fridge.
You: (tweeting something personal and profound)
Me: (replying to said tweet) *you’re