Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Walmart stopped selling hoverboards due to safety concerns. In case you were curious about those empty shelves between the guns and the ammo

Just thought of way to discourage teenage smoking. Instead of saying “Cancer” on boxes replace it with the word “Acne”.

Unsolved mysteries, cat edition

“…and this is my beautiful boy, Jason.”

Coworker: Jason, huh? Where’d u get a name like that?

Boss: Jafather, can I see u in my office?

I like to yell “Stranger danger!”whenever my boss introduces me to a new client.

They should change the name from all you can eat pancake breakfast to 4 or 5 pancakes at most

Copied tweets with higher no. of RTs remind me of tht incident when Charlie Chaplin entered a Charlie Chaplin look-alike contest n came 3rd.

yesterday at the mall a woman asked for my opinion between two men’s shirts and immediately went to check out with the one i didn’t choose

The human body is made up of 80% water, therefore, I’m not fat; I’m flooded

me: this cat is kissing me on the lips because it LOVES me
cat: mother’s lips taste perpetually of bacon

The best way to tell someone you don’t like them is to text them 370HSSV 0773H and tell them to read it upside down.

My 5 year old asked for a lava lamp and now I’m checking his room for drugs

Imagine being at your therapist’s office and your card declines so your therapist spends the next hour roasting you to undo all of the progress you gained through therapy

Science Deniers will follow you to the ends of the earth.

Two days in a row someone has tried using my Apple Card to buy flowers. Buddy, walk over to your neighbors garden and steal some roses like a real man. The world has gone soft.

I composed this tweet in a way that only the sexy can read it, so congratulations

compared to the rest of 2017 the Fyre Festival was a high point

[space]
MARS: March was named after me
PLUTO: So, Mickey Mouse’s dog was named after me
MARS: …
PLUTO: …
MARS: I’m a planet
PLUTO: Sonuvabi—

WTF, marathoners? I don’t even like to drive 26 miles.

BOSS: how’s your wife?
ME: still totally not fake
BOSS: what
ME: what

you haven’t truly known fear until a long-forgotten furby in the back of your bedroom closet starts screaming in an australian accent at 3am

Nothing confuses me more than vegan mascara. Who is eating mascara?

Raid™: For when you don’t want to kill ants, but want to make them late for something.

“Mind control agents in chem trails sounds crazy? That’s EXACTLY what the govt wants”

Bride: I shouldn’t have let you write your own vows

Breakfast: “Coffee, please.”
Lunch: “Just grilled chicken over a small salad.”
Dinner: “I’ll take a wheelbarrow full of lasagna and enough chocolate to kill a horse.”

Lord, the restaurants you put on this earth to provide noontime sustenance are advertising $17 lunch specials

If all of the pizza cutters are dirty then 1 whole pizza counts as 1 serving

I like to think my wife’s friends stare at me because I’m hot but it’s probably because they have never seen a potato salad sandwich before.

Me: *gazes into his eyes*
Him: *sweats*
M *winks*
H: I’m kinda uncomfortable
M: But this is love
H: It’s my job to fill liquor orders, ma’am

I would never be comfortable delivering a baby. I can’t even remove an avocado pit without dropping it.