Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Technically, all the money I have ever spent on food has been flushed down the toilet.

Me: Omg, my legs are like jello!

Trainer: You stood up.

Me: Sooo sore!!

Instead of a dress code every senator should get to choose how one other senator dresses.

*puts my hair in a ponytail

IG influencer: here’s why we don’t do that.

NETFLIX: Are you still watching?

Me: I’m trying, but you won’t let me use my neighbor’s sister’s ex-boyfriend’s password.

Nobody was healthier than my vegan, gluten-free friend Chad until the day that baby squirrel beat him to death.

I’m guessing the apple from the Apple logo tasted like shit.

“listen to your body” ok but my body stopped talking to me after I tried to cure my depression with donuts

When you win a game of monopoly the owner of Hasbro shows up to hand you back the last 36 hours of your life.

Just because it’s called a “fireplace” doesn’t mean it’s the only place I can start a fire

Wife: *angry; flings wine onto “dinner guest”; storms out of room

Me: *consoles visibly upset raccoon

Them: So you weren’t being mean?? You are just an idiot?
Me:
Me: Is there a third option?

I barely flinch for gunshots or fireworks but I jump a foot in the air in frozen terror if your land-line phone goes off.

THE INVENTOR OF CRYING: what if I told you that there was something you could do at both weddings and funerals

The glasses you choose should say something about you. For instance, “I can’t see.”

I assume people who don’t hate people also don’t drive.

You know you’re an adult when you spend $100 at the grocery store and leave without any food.

Some women can shave their heads and look like goddesses. If I shaved my head, I would look like roll-on deodorant.

My work has one of those little clock in / clock out punch cards like the movies and let me tell you, it’s a thrill and a half!!!

i physically cannot make a spotify playlist without adding every song i’ve ever liked. i’ll start one called “sad :(” and it’ll end up with temperature by sean paul on it

Just because I know that I can fit 150 snakes in my bathtub doesn’t mean I have a plan

Relationship status: the extended car warranty guy told me to stop calling him.

Pluto is no longer a planet, and the U.S. might have a 51st state soon.
Looks like 3rd grade was a total waste of time.

Man who looks forward to spending his entire life with Kim Kardashian disagrees with Grammy decision.

Y’all ever flex on vampires by just walking into people’s homes uninvited

Extra car key
Extra house key
Extra storage unit key
Key to an extra apartment with a liquor cabinet

– Keys to a successful relationship

Pretty sure that “Willy Wonka & the Chocolate Factory” is the kid’s version of “Saw”.

I always carry a condom in my wallet in case a date goes unexpectedly well & I need to impress her with my balloon animals skills.