Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Dreams at each age:
15: one day I’ll find great love.
20: one day I’ll become a great person.
25: one day I’ll make the world great.
35: one day I’ll throw out all my Tupperware at once, and buy a bunch of different sizes but all with the same lid.

Good for you when one door closes & another door opens. For the rest of us that usually means we’re in jail.

11yo: Mom, can you look at the sky? It looks flat.

Me: That’s because it’s not real. You’re in the Matrix & they’ve got a second rate programmer on tonight.

11: Never mind.

I haven’t been to France, but I saw Ratatouille, so I get it

if you’re venting to someone and they say “idk I see both sides” you’re wrong

Biden: I painted “Michelle Obama 2020” on your bedroom ceiling

Obama: 😳

Biden: Glow in the dark paint

MESSENGER: sire, a peasant named humpty dumpty fell off a wall
KING: send all my horses and men to put him back together
QUEEN: should we not just send a doctor
KING: no send all the horses and men
ADVISOR: my liege, the castle will be defenseless
KING: all of them i said

It’s only Ultimate Frisbee if someone dies

You’d better have a great day today

Don’t MAKE me have a great day FOR you 💪

when cоvid is over “mask off” will be the #1 song in the world and then we will finally understand why his name is future

[The Price is Right Wheel-O-Fate stops on the 🕳 symbol]

DREW: ooh that’s 8 days in the hole

CONTESTANT: what?

[hole opens in the ground]

I’m not usually vengeful, but when I am it’s because someone gave my kid a whistle.

Me at my 225th rodeo:

“What the hell is going on?”

Date: omg it’s so dark do you have a flashlight

Me: I don’t need one cause I have all the light I need right here-

Date: aww

Me: oh my feet *i stomp and my light up sketchers start flashing*

I like my coffee like I like my beaches, Brazilian.

I just realized that there is absolutely nothing stopping me from telling elderly people that I wrote Despacito

I am rebranding my disorganized and cluttered house as a ‘masterclass of maximalism’

He asked why I put my stick figures on my dash, not the bumper.
I had to explain that it was an actual photo of my relatives.

[couples therapy]
“Have you tried sexy lingerie?”
me: yeah but it just creeps her out.

7yo: Did you drink coffee before we were born?
Me: Yes
7yo: Did you eat pancakes?
Me: Yes
7yo: What didn’t you do?
Me: Talk while peeing.

rich people: be like me, invest in stocks

also rich people: no not like that

All my coworkers put tape over the cameras on their laptops but not me. I don’t care if anybody sees me sighing for 8 hours a day.

“You’ve reached 911”
Knock knock
“Sir ple-”
Knock knock
“This is not-”
Knock knock
“ok, who’s there?”
Ben
“Ben who”
Ben shot real bad
“NICE”

My kids always seem to underestimate the length of my freakishly long arms when they start a fight while I’m driving.

I don’t sit on the floor without a detailed plan on how to get back up

Dude, I’d love to go out with you, but this one person 80s dance party in my living room isn’t going to host itself.

Kidnapper: We have your wife.

Me: You sonofa-it was HER turn to cook dinner for the kids tonight!

When there were bear prints in the sand that was bear jesus chasing you

Me: Your conspiracy theory is stupid.
Me anytime something weird happens in my house: It was a ghost. It’s the only logical explanation.