I’m teaching my boys to leave the toilet seat up so there’s no pee on it when I put it down. Everything is a lie and life is a bad dream.
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[hospital]
Me: how is he?
Her: he’s in the burn ward
Me: *tearing up* I’m an adult you can say H-E-double hockey sticks
I seriously want my vet to be my primary care physician
Me: why don’t you go and play with Jack?
3yo: no, I like playing with myself
Me: er, by, you like playing BY yourself…
The existence of raw sexuality implies the existence of medium sexuality, but also well-done sexuality
It’s important to vary your diet. Like, yesterday I had popcorn & a margarita for dinner so tonight I’m having popcorn & wine for dinner.
I accidentally had two energy drinks today and now my house is decorated for Christmas.
While a group of crows is a murder, a single crow is plea bargained down to aggravated assault.
Hey, did you say that your dog likes to ‘exercise’ or ‘exorcise’? [dog is already throwing holy water around the house]
My former co-worker’s neighbor’s cousin
Facebook: “You may know this person. Add friend?”
I live 30 feet from my mother-in-law, Hell holds no surprises.
wife [on Facebook] Spent the day with the kids. We had so much fun!
wife [to me] Do you know what those little shits did to me today?
Hiring a mortician to do my makeup while I sleep
Oops, I “accidentally” left my in-laws at the grocery store. Darn. I guess I’ll just have to get them Monday on the way back to the airport.
Her: All day long I’ve had the strangest feeling that someone’s ….. watching me.
Me: Why, do you hear laughter?
A poet once gave
a pigeon helium, and
invented high coo.
*limbos under the caution tape
no bro, *you* live in a society. I live with my parents
My boss on Zoom: “Joe you been quiet today. Do you want to say anything?”
Me: “Betty White passed away so she could come back as Rihanna’s baby”
My boss: “Gang that’s my fault I should know better”
Music is a scam. You can listen to all kinds of other noises for free
[first date]
“so what do you do?”
*thinking about the jar of coins I plan to use for new shrubs* I’m a hedge fund manager
so i guess the opposite of dateline would be friendzonesquiggle.
Me: it’s time to go
Kids: wait. I cannot possibly leave without my emotional support toothpick but I don’t know where it is
9 out of 10 therapist agree to just be yourself
The other one realizes that’s what got you into this shit in the first place.
got kicked out of the library this morning for starting a mosh pit
One of the most unforgivable sins is spilling your coffee because you’re texting while driving.
Me: NOT THIS TIME
Kids: *already running away with my pants*
People are ruining the word Daddy, my kids are going to have to call me ‘homie’ or some shit.
My muffin top has become a full blown birthday cake.