I’m teaching my students proper grammar by having them edit poorly written Yelp reviews. You’re welcome.
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I’m so sick of unexpected character deaths for shock value. This is a terrible pilates video.
Who called it a vasectomy and not a cull de sack?
Don’t put all my eggs in one basket? Nice try, basket industry, I’m onto your marketing scam… #EasterBaskets
FROM THE FIRST BITE YOU CAN TELL CELERY DOESN’T WANT TO BE EATEN
Getting a lawn sign so people know what i think today.
ME: I want a normal night of sleep
MY BRAIN: Right… So, today, you’re gonna sleep from 1 pm ’til 4 pm & again from 9 pm ’til 2 am. Tomorrow, you’re scheduled for 2 hours. The next day is 19 hours which should make up for it but you’ll somehow feel even more tired after. Haha.
Why does James Bond keep telling people his real name? Worst. Spy. Ever.
My kid has been not so subtley asking when April 1st is for the last three days and I am afraid to get out of bed
My kid asked me where babies came from and I was like “Dude, ask your Mom. I still can’t figure out why Garfield talks and Odie doesn’t.”
Scientist discovers largest prime number to date, when it was provided to him by a Spectrum customer service rep as a “confirmation number.”
“I want frog legs.”
-Fancy restaurant order or the coolest plastic surgery request ever
i wish they named cookies something different because every time a website asks me to accept cookies, and i decline, a little part of my heart is like, but i love cookies, just not your kind
Them: you have an attitude problem
Me: it’s not a problem… I like it
I can’t believe Halloween was 10 pounds ago.
My son told me I’m not fat I’m just almost fat and that honestly made me feel really good
My name is Leon but some of you know me by my street name, 9th avenue.
djs are so lazy man. been listening to mixes all morning and they’re all using the same carbon monoxide alarm sample faintly in the background
Prayers for my teen who has a long, uphill battle overcoming her mom hugging her at the bus stop.
As the officer approached my car I took a big pull of helium from the balloon and started crying
Raccoons wearing tiny little glasses, digging through trash and carefully reading nutritional information of any food items they find.
Carries bucket and fishing rod and drills hole in the ice.
Voice: There is no fish here!
Me: Wow, is that God?
V: No, the arena director.
A police officer came up to me yesterday and asked, Where were you between four and five?
I said, Kindergarten.
Whenever I meet one of my 15 y/o’s bf’s, I always ask “Have you ever taken karate?”. “No sir”. “Well u fuckin better” !
Good parenting 101
Don’t worry. Artificial intelligence will never replace actual ignorance.
Ummm yeah I want one of those phone case’s where I can put my credit cards in with my phone so when I lose my phone I’m also broke. Genius!
I’m simultaneously drinking Starbucks and a Monster, in case I need to do something extreme and be a snob about it, within the next 30 min.
[at Dr. appointment]
Dr.: yeah looks like you have too much acid in your diet.
Me: JESUS CHRIST DOC YOUR FACE IS MELTING
[ 25 years after my dad went to the store for smokes ]
Me: why did you abandon us?
Him: sorry. I went to CVS and the receipt just finished printing.
Is Vanilla Ice’s son named Vanilla Extract? Cuz he should be.
Lasagna asks the question, “what if pasta were a book”