I’m teaching my students proper grammar by having them edit poorly written Yelp reviews. You’re welcome.
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“How do you like your tea? Milk, sugar, eels?”
“Eels?”
“Okay, eels.” I say, unscrewing the cap on a carton of highly agitated eels.
me: eat this food
baby: never
me: the food is now an airplane
baby: “never” was a strong word
Dr: He has a lot of blockage
“So my Dad has a bad heart?”
Dr: He also donates to charity
“So he has a good heart?”
Dr: Ya, it evens out
Death: your time has come.
Me: no! not now!
Death: yes now.
Me: but… I have to poop?
Death: ……damn it. Go on then.
Me: wow that actually worked.
My toddler: *nods sagely*
Me: And when there was only one set of-
Jesus: Dude, just tell the cops there were TWO sets of footprints in the sand!
Cat: *purr*
Me: Good morning!
Cat: *headbutts me* *purr*
Me: Aren’t you the sweetest thing!
Cat: *kneads me* *purr*
Me: Yes, I love you too!
Cat: *plots my gruesome death* *purr*
Parenting books never prepared me for how much time I’d spend arguing for kids to get both into and out of the shower.
My new favourite people are the Americans who complain about the air quality while chuffing on vapes all day.
*drops an avocado in the offering basket at church*
Today’s Tarot Card: I warned you not to pet the Hell Hounds.
[1st Day working at Hotel California]
Guest: Id like 2 check out
Me: Sure! Youre all set!
G: Thanks! [Leaves]
Boss: Can I see u in my office
So when Steve Jobs started Apple in his garage he was an “innovator” but when I work out of my garage I’m “under arrest” for “selling meth.”
Me: Magic 8-Ball, will I ever find true love?
Cantaloupe: Maybe if you lay off the drugs.
whenever a study shows excessive screen time causes brain damage i’m like yeah. me know.
Meow
I bet the guy who discovered milk did a lot of other weird shit too.
Sperm: hey
Egg: hi
Fallopian Tube: ugh get a womb u two
Marry someone who loves Hawaiian pizza so you can just get your own good tasting pizza all to yourself.
My grandpa once shot a hornet’s nest with a shotgun and had to spend 4 hours hiding under a log until the swarm dissipated. What I’m saying is, I come from a long line of poor decision makers so you can only expect so much
Tonight we’re cooking together, period. I’ll serve the cereal, you pour the milk
to everyone who met me 5 years ago im sorry i was hacked
[spelling bee]
Moderator: your word is sentence
Me: can you use it in a sentence?
Moderator: your word is sentence
Marie Kondō’s method really has been magical. I’m ridding my home of anything that doesn’t “spark joy.”
So far I’m down one washing machine, one vacuum, and a husband.
How many dates should you wait before you tell a girl that you’re just a barn owl
I get why polyamory is so popular in California. It takes 3 incomes to survive and 4 to have nice things.
My favorite Skrillex song is the one where he drops a spoon into the garbage disposal and steps on a cat’s tail.
“Can you put it all in an email?”
Translations:
1. I haven’t been listening
2. I have been listening and what you’re saying is important, but I simply won’t remember it all
3. I have been listening but you’re going on a bit and I’d like you to go away now
4. I want a…
Where do rainbows go when they’re bad?
Prism. It’s a light sentence
Good morning
Rejected Olympic Events:
Javelin Catch
Jello Shotput
Border Fencing
Cardboard Boxing
Menstrual Cycling
Salad Tossing
Wrestling Demons