Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Oh you hid the snacks? Sorry, I majored in finding snacks

*in court for murder*

I’m appreciate your feedback on not killing people. I’m listening, learning and growing.

Gecko at McDonald’s crawl through:

I’ll have A Bug Mac, flies & a small snake.

MAGICIAN: can you pass me my top hat?
MAGICIAN’S ASSISTANT: what’s the magic word?
MAGICIAN: *sigh* can you abracadabra pass me my top hat?

before meds: i hate everything

after meds: *with enthusiasm* i hate everything

Nothing more humiliating than sending a text message with a picture and the picture doesn’t send for ages and now you’ve said something sooo odd out of context

I am 36 years old. I could have been a dog three times by now.

Friendly reminder that Noah brought two bedbugs on the ark and is in no way a hero

Pretty much. 🤣

Sometimes I think my toddlers are smart

Other times they throw tantrums because they get their fingers stuck

In their other hand

Imagine if we didn’t have Google and still relied on encyclopedias to find out “Why poop green?”

Me *laying on my couch, flipping through health magazines*, “bet these workouts are a piece of cake.”

toddler *shows me his new toy*
me: Who gave you that?
toddler: My friend
me: When?
toddler: When he wasn’t looking

A passenger is at the airport at 6AM in a pressed suit and said “good morning!”

Excuse me, sir, that is not the vibe here. The rest of us have agreed to be sullen and wear the closest thing to pajamas you can legally leave the house in.
Go back and try again.

But, soft! What light through yonder window breaks? / Are you still on your iPhone even though you said you were going to sleep?

Me: So my husband —
First grader: You have a husband?
Me: I do, the whole time you’ve known me.
First grader: Oh. I always thought you were feral.
Me: Er, do you mean ‘single’?
First grader: Whatever the word is that you use for stray cats.

🙀

AITA? I’m irritable because It was his idea to get walkie talkies, but he refuses to say “over” after each message.

I’m at that age where all my friends have husbands and babies and all I’ve got is time and money.

Whoa. Wait a minute.

So those stick figures on your car aren’t for pedestrians you ran over?

Damn it!

*starts scraping off her stickers*

The longer you’re a parent the harder it is to act excited when people tell you they’re pregnant.

I’m the friend that shows up with a shovel and alibi.

My 8yo just said she’s “lactose intelligent,” so hit her up with any pressing dairy questions.

is there a place where we can lay down and eat cheese?

-first day at work, orientation question

The sun got the nerve to be out.

Don’t just stand there, DO SOMETHING

I always took the phrase “God moves in mysterious ways” to mean that he walks like a crab.

My wife and I hadn’t cried together in a long time, and then tonight she dropped a full martini shaker.

Guy at door: How would you like to make a donation to our local orphanage?

Dad: yea sure [yells up to me] son, you live with this guy now!

These people act like they’ve never seen anyone wearing a Speedo in a laundromat before.

I think those 5G masts are emitting invisible waves that make people more susceptible to conspiracy theories.