I’m teaching my students proper grammar by having them edit poorly written Yelp reviews. You’re welcome.
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i always get a lock of hair on the 1st date in case she dumps me i can still scrapbook about it
My daughter found my twitter. I have just one thing to say – clean your room.
If your cat has ever accidentally fallen into the tub while you were taking bath, you’ve known chaos.
Using dog shampoo when I run out of cat shampoo because I ran out of human shampoo a week ago.
Birth certificates need a popup dialog box: “Are you SURE you want to spell your kid’s name that way?”
My wife threw my new football over the wall as she thought it belonged to our neighbour’s 9 year old lad.
I’ve had to ask them if I can please have my ball back.
I’m 36 years old.
Remember: It’s not stalking if you don’t see me.
I was 17 before I realized that the reason the ocean is salty is not “because of something I did.” Thanks Dad.
Hey kids, please don’t wash the 13 glasses you’ve already left in the sink. Just grab a clean one next time you’re thirsty.
Me *Happily comes home from the hairdresser with fresh highlights and cut.
Bf: So what did they do to it?
Twitter is my serious account, the funny one is my bank account.
As a proud husband and father in my 40s, my New Year’s resolution is to sneeze even louder this year.
My mom just texted me to say that her dog killed 2 groundhogs in her backyard this morning so I think she may be doing Groundhog Day wrong.
You’re adorable, but not as adorable as my library app thinking I’ll be able to read Stephen King’s ‘The Stand’ in two weeks.
I keep a notepad next to my bed so if I wake up with a great idea, I can write it down. Last night, I scribbled “fruit roll-ups,” and I’m not sure what it means, but I think I’m on to something brilliant.
When my new neighbor dies, I’m going to hire the same tree removal service he has outside my window right now to work during his burial.
*First day as a missing person*
Wife: Hello police? Yeah call it off he was just in the shower.
A funny thing happened on the way to my potential.
people say they’re “over the moon” when they’re happy, but it’s a lie; the moon is one of those things you will never truly get over
Sorry I looked up your house on google maps, but I wanted to make sure I could climb that tree by your bedroom window.
saw a post the other day explaining how killer whales became the #1 predators of cows in Alaska. turns out cows love to eat the kelp churned up by rough seas. also turns out cows get hit by waves and washed out to sea.
also cows float. 😂🐄🦈
Me: I’m on a diet.
Random: a diet is just what you eat. Technically everyone is on a diet.
Me: do you want to go fishing? Don’t worry about what the bucket and bags of cement are for.
Yep. Yep. Yep. Yeppity. Yep. Yeppers. Yep.
We’ll see. I don’t know. But, for sure! Maybe.– me receiving an invitation of any kind
just read an article that said stray dogs will “elect” the cute dogs in the group to approach ppl cause they come back with more food. u little shits think u can manipulate me well u absolutely can here have my entire lunch
me before getting into birding: OMG SHUT UP BIRDS IT’S 5AM
me now: OMG SHUT UP CAROLINA WRENS, INDIGO BUNTINGS, AND TUFTED TITMICE IT’S 5AM
I’m going to start using Twitter like Google, because I need answers to tough questions.
Are pepperoni and Rice-a-Roni related?
Remember when parents said “I’ll give you something to cry about” & were scared they’d hit us but they destroyed the housing market instead?
OBITUARY WRITER: How would you describe him?
WIFE: Very still, pale, awful social skills
OBITUARY WRITER: I mean before he died
WIFE: Oh! Haha sorry! Yeah, the same
All these new parents wanting time to slow down, and I’m over here trying to get a fake ID for my 4YO so she can go buy Mommy’s wine.