Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

If I had to choose one word that encapsulates me, I’d say skin.

But what is Congress going to do about the fact that I made too much pasta last night 😡

Calling it Quarantine:
-boring
-sad
-lonely af

Calling it house arrest:
-sounds like you do crimes
-you’re a bad boy now
-cool as heck

Taught my daughter how to use Amazon Lists and now I have 371 items under “you should buy me this”

Pro tip: if you want to get away with one word replies in work emails, just change the signature in your desktop email to ‘Sent from my phone’

Whenever I go to a restaurant without my kids, I feel like something is missing…

DOES ANYONE NEED THEIR TUSHY WIPED?!

is there anything more psychotic than the self-imposed deadline. why am i bullying myself then in turn standing up to my bully (who is me) by not doing the work i know i want to get done but i refuse to be bullied (by me) so i will purposefully miss the deadline (that is fake)

Every man was once a man trapped in a woman’s body.

Surprised my wife with a paper airplane her reaction proves that women don’t care about origami

*runs away from Satan*
*runs towards cake*

I don’t even check my bank account no more. I just swipe my card and if it’s god’s will money will be debited

I really wish I could hug some of you and maybe set fire to a few of you.

Helped a stranger at the gym write a break up text today so yeah, that English degree is really paying off.

[ interview ]

cable company: where do you see yourself in five years

me: you mean between 3 and 8 years from now?

cable company: when can you start

me: between monday and july

why do boys change into their football tops to just sit in front of the telly to watch the game ahahah a don’t stick a pair a fangs on when am watching the vampire diaries

My husband and I have been spending a lot of time together. Now my boyfriend is pissed. It’s like I can’t win.

You’re only as smart as the dumbest thing you’ve ever said on the Internet.

I taught my daughter to whistle a few days ago and now I’m teaching her that whistling can lead to adoption.

Pacman: I feel like a woman trapped in a man’s body! I want the procedure, doc.

Dr.: Very well. Just relax..

*puts bow on Pacman’s head

Do you have hobbies, or did you decide on marriage instead.

Sometimes I drink water to surprise my liver

For fifty bucks this Yellowstone park ranger said he can get me into his top secret bear hugging seminar

Imagine being a ghost in a school and you think no one notices you, but then one day you hear everyone talking about ‘school spirit’ and you get super pumped and think ‘man, maybe they DO know im here’ and then you find out that school spirit is a pizza lunch and jeans day

Something touched my leg while in the ocean and apparently I can walk on water now

Look, you invented bread and I invented knives. Let’s combine forces and we could be the best thing since…well we’ll think of that later.

You watch one pimple popping video, and suddenly the algorithm thinks you have a new hobby.

If youre a serial killer & you dont call your murder shack a ‘bloodshed,’ well I’ve just about given up on you

hey parents who say “someday your kids won’t want to be around you”

… when can I look forward to that starting?

“Hi, I have an appoint-“

“JUST HAVE A GODDAM SEAT!”

People that use shot glasses baffle me. Just take a swig out of the bottle like a normal person.