i’m teaching my toddler that cauliflower is “frightened broccoli” and there is nothing you can do about it
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“So he tells me he’s been grounded, and I says to him… I says Hank, it’s probably because of your bad altitude!”
I don’t need a home security system for my safety because as soon as someone breaks in and hears me moaning in the hallway from falling out of the bed, they’ll just turn around a leave.
After moving approximately 35 times in about as many years I’m here to tell you that you’ll keep the people who matter most. What you’ll miss are the restaurants.
I take off my sports bra like everybody else, dislocating one shoulder at a time.
SHOPPER: which aisle has applesauce?
ME: oh, I don’t work here
*continues changing all the cheese Best If Purchased By dates to my name*
Communication during co-parenting is essential.
My kids are now getting a total of 22 phone chargers in their stockings.
Wanna see my Oscar?
*knocks on garbage can lid*
I’m a staunch supporter of something, I’m not sure what that is, yet. I just wanted to be staunch today.
Ryan Reynolds Said What?!
The worst part about getting Covid was losing my ability to smell what The Rock was cooking. 😕
Unsolved Mysteries: We don’t know what happened, and now neither do you.
I’ve deleted all dating apps off my phone I’m over it 😭 I’m waiting for someone to meet me in the library while I am reaching for a book that’s too high and just as everything is about to fall on me they swoop in and shield me
Me: *makes 120 gazillion meals*
Kids: yuk
Husband: *makes pancakes*
Kids: daddy you’re a much better cook than mummy
Parenting Hack: Any dessert that can’t be split evenly between your kids is now yours.
Mary had a little lamb. The doctors are all really confused.
The fastest land animal is a cheetah, the fastest bird is a peregrine falcon, and the fastest human is my Mom when anyone tags me in anything on Facebook
(whispering to my tv remote after i put new batteries in it) as soon as somethin else in the house needs batteries im gona take these from u
The last time I checked, I was a weirdo.
Let me check again. Yep, still a weirdo.
Kids will interrupt your really important conversations to ask questions like, “which door do you think the zombies will come through? The front door or the back door?”
Flatulent: (n.) a small apartment in Brooklyn you let a friend borrow
The first sign of a serial killer is when a kid draws a Sun but it’s not wearing sunglasses
Sea Turtle: humans keep trying to touch me while I’m swimming.
God: it could be worse.
Sea Turtle: how?
God: tell him crab.
Crab: my legs are delicious.
God: [nods] his legs are delicious.
haunted house: get. out.
me: (telling spicy gossip) right?
April showers? Big whoop, so do I.
no one will tell you this but the secret to looking hot in photos is looking hot in real life
‘see you in hell’ so it’s a date?
I see Google have dropped that internet specs thing then?
“Google Glass”
I know what glass is, Catherine.
*hangs a vacant sign on your forehead*
CEO: We need to come up with a brand name for these sticks of bread.
Guy who named the meatball: *takes deep breath
Not to be a Scrooge, but if you play or even hum along with Christmas music before December 10, you should be sent to a concentration camp.