i’m teaching my toddler that cauliflower is “frightened broccoli” and there is nothing you can do about it
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If you say safety in Numbers you haven’t read Numbers.
This guy told me he spoke Swedish and then spoke Swedish and tbh I have no way of knowing if he was lying.
Boy, did The Shining nail what it’s like being an only child.
absolutely not
[hiding under bed from murderer]
cellmate: I know you’re there
It is really hard to practice my angry face while eating a donut.
Due to unforeseen circumstances, I will no longer be eating cheese I don’t remember putting in my purse
Indiana Jones: [screaming as his hand is crushed under a door] ARRGGHHH! WHY? WHY DID I REACH FOR MY HAT? I OWN SO MANY HATS!!
I’ve been practicing Social Distancing my whole life.. Just sayin.
Friend 1: I do P90x to stay in shape
Friend 2: I just started crossfit
Me: Pssh, I just kiss my kids when they have a stomach bug.
HER: I love classic rock
ME: [trying to impress] I’ve been to the Grand Canyon
Carl: What a cute dog! Does he know any tricks?
Dog: Shut up, Carl
Carl: Wow! How did he learn to talk?
Me: Shut up, Carl
Paranormal investigator: “Who’s there?”
Gen X ghost: “Your mom.”
I can’t be the only person who daydreams about licking people
I bet squirrels walk at a leisurely pace when no one is looking.
The worst thing about wearing a turtleneck is not being able to get up off of your back if you fall over.
[dating site message]
So is that blank silhouette in your profile a recent blank silhouette?
If she’s your girlfriend why is she leaning over the side of the boat to touch me in a way she will never touch you?
Pretty upsetting that gummy worms are actual size but gummy bears are not.
Drink like a fish and you’ll never feel like a fish out of water socially. You might look like one but you’ll never feel like one…
Remember when you could lay in one position for hours, now you have to rotate like a rotisserie chicken every 15 minutes or a hip hurts.
I’m just a girl…standing in front of a boy…asking him to love her.
Haha, just kidding. I’m just a girl…sitting in my car…talking to a boy through a speaker…trying to order a Shamrock Shake.
But a little drama never hurts.
5yo just asked for, and I quote, “two fingers of milk” if you’re wondering how parenting during lockdown is going
Anti-gay preacher comes to Iceland. Locals buy all tickets to his event in Reykjavik, and then don’t turn up, leaving empty arena. Class.
Nurse: we need to draw some blood
Me with a fine arts degree: *hastily reaches into backpack* i saved my good marker for this
If Christian Bale’s voice as Batman were any more throaty, that dude would be talking Arabic.
Net flips and krill?
– killer whale text
Been dating this girl for 7 months and today she asked me, why I don’t have a girlfriend
Me: I made this belt out of herbs
Her: why?
Me: oh, just waisting some thyme
Wish we had the power of at least one ‘do over’ in our lives. I used mine up in the 1st grade and winning at hopscotch wasn’t worth it.