i’m teaching my toddler that cauliflower is “frightened broccoli” and there is nothing you can do about it
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Imagine having a subordinate at work who can’t perform basic job duties, requires constant oversight, and questions your every decision with another supervisor. Parenting. I just described parenting.
A fun way to get exercise is grab a chainsaw and chase a hiker.
“Mysterious, cerebral, suspense, drama”
Netflix are you describing a movie or my last boyfriend?
[job interview for psychic]
INTERVIEWER: Where do you see yourself in 5 years?
ME: Well played.
MOB BOSS: It has come to my attention that within this very room, we have a SNITCH
HARRY POTTER: Oh hell yeah I’ll get it
Me: So you’re allergic to avocados?
Her: Yup…
Me: Like a vampire?
Her: No that’s garlic.
Me: Oh, like a werewolf?
Her: No, those are silver bullets.
Me: Not avocado bullets?
Her: Don’t…
Me:
Her: Don’t do it…
Me: Fired from a…
Her: *sigh*
Me: Glockamole…
Her: I hate you
Clown: [reaching for his nose]
Driving instructor: just use the horn on the steering wheel, please
I’m so lazy, I’ll only walk my fingers through your hair.
ME: I wasn’t invited to the party
FRIEND: Yeah, people think you’re melodramatic
ME: [slaps friend with silk glove] Then I shall die alone
Every time I think the younger generation is stupid, I remind myself that we took a long time to figure out that WWF was all fixed !!
I have 2 friends that are trying to become models, and I’m just over here with 75 chicken mcnuggets in my cheeks like a squirrel.
FRIEND: OMG I’m so glad to get away from my kids for a bit
ME: haha yeah I don’t think I’ll ever have kids
FRIEND: no it’s the best
Turns out my superpower is the ability to go into incredible detail in completely the wrong direction.
If I was a mammoth or a ground sloth I would not have gotten stuck in a tar pit it all. when I see a fossil of some creature that got trapped in one I think wow here’s an example of some dead idiot
*puts on winter boots*
*trudges through newly fallen legos*
One time I ate a quarter and pooped out a gumball.
I get it, orcas! I, too, like to sink annoying children’s toys in the pool
A drunk wakes up in jail, “Why am I here officer?”
“For drinking.” replies the cop.
“Great” says the man. “When do we start?”
me: I Love You!!
oldest: I love you too!!
middle: *silence*
youngest: Thank you.
Him: Baby imma call you back, im in the middle of a shootout.
Her: Yea w.e, tell that bitch I said she can have you.
Archaeologist 1: she must have died suddenly, a mug of tea was still in her microwave
Archaeologist 2: actually we carbon dated the tea and she died a week afterwards
My Comcast internet goes down so often that it’s started an OnlyFans account.
The only way I’d get within six feet of some people is if I’m standing on their grave.
Teacher: Does anyone have questions?
Me: If Wile E. Coyote had enough money to buy ACME stuff, why didn’t he just buy dinner?
T: Holy Shit
It’s actually illegal to see your neighbour washing his car and not say ‘You can do mine next if you want!’.
*Pearly Gates
St. Peter: No way!
Me as angel: It’s the rules!
SP: But the drugs and sweari-
M: ALL DOGS GO TO HEAVEN!
Snoop: Fo’ Shizzle.
Cop: Did you murder all your friends and make a smoothie out of their dead bodies?
Strawberry Shortcake: I’ve been berry naughty!
I really need someone to follow me around Target to say “No. No. Put that back. You don’t need that. You already have 4 of those at home.”
*Gwen Stefani as a girl selling $2 snacks in front of her house*
CUSTOMER: Do you have any $1 snacks?
GWEN: I ain’t no dollar snack girrrrrl!