Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

[2 Years into Cosmetology School]

Me:[applying perfect contours] When are we gonna start learning about space?

me: well it’s technically the bride of frankenstein’s monster

hostage negotiator: we should get back on topic

I hear the Pink Panther song when I sneak down the hall for a midnight snack..

Apparently “my brain hurts” isn’t a legit reason to leave work early

Cars should have a thing where if you drive around with your blinker on for too long, they explode.

I think the main issue with ‘The Hunger Games’ is that while her life is at stake, boy problems are still presented as legitimate threats.

🐶😂

8: [gives dog good morning kisses]

wife: the dog gets good morning but not me? I gave you life!

8: the dog’s cute

me: everybody run

After my honeymoon, my ex apparently felt like a new man… and so did I.

boss: where have you been for the past seven days

me: in bed

boss: but i said sleep was for the weak

[Day at the beach]

*Puts suits on kids, slathers them with sunscreen, makes sandwiches, packs cooler, packs beach bags, lugs 50 lbs or crap to beach, trudges over sand, lays out blanket, puts up umbrella, sets up beach chairs, *

6yo after 30 minutes: I wanna go back home

A jury of my peers wouldn’t get out of bed

My Dad’s TV exploded, sparks and smoke, the whole 9 yards. I of course used this as an opportunity to tell him if took better care of his things and didn’t watch rubbish, none of this would have happened.

“Are You Hugging Me, Or Are You Trying to Wipe Snot on My Shirt?”

– A Novel About Living with Small Children

@JosesLovesYou @funTweeters The slang in Japanese for periods IS Hinomaru (That’s the name of the Japanese flag) 🙂

When I die and eventually go to Hell I’m going to flirt with the Devil like “So, did it hurt when you fell from Heaven?”

I am not a woman who can exercise with makeup on without ending up looking like a Salvador Dali painting

I know this now

My son wasn’t listening so I said his attitude was super cringe and he looked up at me in horror and look at that he heard me.

6yo: chicken is good for you. but not so good for the chicken

😳

REPORTER: How do you feel after serving 6 months under house arrest?

ME: I did not realize that had started.

Interviewer: What’s your biggest weakness?

Me: I don’t know when to quit.

Interviewer: You’re hired!

Me: I quit.

My husband grabbed a lightsaber and challenged our daughter to a battle. She ran to the kitchen and grabbed a knife.

If anything happens to me, please use my Netflix account until it stops listing recommendations “Because you watched Coneheads”

Tim: This is Tim from accounting.
Me: Hi Tim from accounting.
Tim: Just say Tim.
Me. Tim.
Tim: How are you today?
Me: Tim.

A Christmas Carol is the heartwarming tale of how rich people must be supernaturally terrorized into sharing.

cut negativity out of your life. delete Facebook. block your landlord’s number. uninstall your banking app. stop paying taxes. forget math. self care.

Whenever I go to Subway, when they ask if I would like my sandwich toasted, I say yes & then I raise my cup of Coke & say, “To my sandwich!”

[playing D&D&D]

Guy Fieri: Is anybody eating that burger or do I have to roll for it?

Got home at 2:30AM after traveling from Miami to Los Angeles yesterday. I slept 5 hours, unpacked everything, cleaned our entire house, including washing clothes, towels, and sheets + went grocery shopping.

I will never be this productive again, so I had to tell everyone. 😂

hey ther delilah wats it like in gotham city
is the joker stil in jail–
sory– i mean– u look so prety yes u do
batman is not as cool as u