Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Hundreds of years ago, a group of fat women secretly met under the cover of darkness. That night, they invented the word “voluptuous.”

i want a small, tasteful wedding. no family. no friends. no groom. just me eating a big cake

(car dealership)
Me: Cargo room?
Salesman: No, car go outside

I dont have a “college fund” bc my youngest will most likely get a scholarship and my oldest thinks all dogs are boys and all cats are girls

the prime minister is a minister that is not divisible by any other minister

[Walking my chihuahua]

Dude: “Is it OK if I pet you dog?”

Me: “Sure. Go ahead”

*Dude pets dog; dog bites off 3 fingers

Dude: “Aaargh. WTF, man!”

Me: “Yeah. I wish he’d stop doing that.”

“What do you see in him?”
– me to the x-ray tech imaging my kid

My wife is terrified of thunderstorms. The banging outside the window is horrendous, but if we let her in she’ll just get the dog all wet.

Husband: I called my boss “Honey” today.
Wife: What? Why?
H: He was shouting at me and telling me I was wrong, and it just slipped out.

When I die, throw me on Mt. Everest so it looks like I was trying to do something.

Alarm system? Yeah right. I’ll defend my home the way my ancestors would have. A series of large painted portraits with peepholes for eyes.

I’m too high watching Secret Agent Cody Banks and my friends didn’t take an edible so I have to act like I’m not high it’s almost like I am also Secret Agent Cody Banks rn

Me: I prefer the natural look

Sephora: oh, then you’ll need these 15 products

The biggest takeaway from listening to hundreds of podcasts is if you’re rich enough, you can get away with murder.

“Hey Siri, what’s a narcissist?”

*Siri turns on front-facing selfie cam*

“Whatever bitch, you’re just jealous”

Sure my whining and moaning is annoying now but when I’m a ghost it’ll be cool as hell.

Welcome to woodworking club, please make a seat.

ME: *holding door wide open for her*

HER: Are you saying I’m fat?

DOCTOR: “I’m calling to notify you of your outstanding balance.”

ME: “Thanks! I do yoga.”

DOCTOR:……..

bumping into a hot professor in the hallway and dropping my folder full of printed out pictures of the Green M&M

[Phone]
Boss: You haven’t been in work all week!

Me: I’ve told you, I always take this week off for religious reasons

Boss *gritted teeth* and I’ve told you, “sharks” is not a religion

time traveler: i love your volcano

pompeiian: our what?

time traveler: your mountain, your normal mountain

Wife: Honey, I’m upstairs!

*undresses on the run like Superman*

Be right up!

*stands naked in doorway*

Wife: Do you remember…
Pam: Hi

centaur: *falls down* I broke my arm

doctor: it’s okay I can fix it

centaur: agh I broke my leg too

doctor: *cocks rifle*

Me: i’ve lost 10 pounds in 2 weeks
Friend: Wow! What’s your secret?
Me: be fat first

New parent: So you have been a parent for 4 years. Any insight?

Me: It’s great. Sometimes you want to escape by faking your own death. But I’m sure it’s just a phase.

New parent: Oh, ok. How long does that last?

Me: So far? 4 years.

I want my car horn changed so that every time I press it, it just yells “SERIOUSLY?!”

Whatever you do, always give 100%. Unless you’re donating blood

‘THERE IS NO SHOUTING ON THE BUS!’ she shouted.