I’m telling everyone I have corona so I’ve got 14 days of not being bothered.
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Cop: Do you know why I pulled you over?
Me: Cuz saying ‘pulled me under’ sounds weird??
if you have a weird name and appear in movie’s closing credits, i will find you and i will say you
angel: so what are plants gonna eat, since they can’t move to find food?
god: *blows massive line* they’ll eat the sun
me: im not the jealous type
her: good i hate jealous guys
me: what guys. how many guys do u kno
Guy: I hate my spouse.
Friend: You gotta end it.
Guy: I also hate myself.
Friend: You gotta en… learn to love yourself!
Interviewer: How would you describe yourself?
Me: Verbally. But I’ve also prepared a dance.
Me: When do we get to solve mysteries and explore haunted houses?
Gang member: *cocks gun*
Me: Ohhhh, this is a murder gang.
inventor of ceilings: *pointing at the floor* like this but up there
Satan: Welcome to Hell.
Me: Dude! This is a tropical paradise! Bikini clad women. Alcohol as far as the eye can see.
Satan: I know, pretty sweet, right? Now, take this group of toddlers to the beach. For the day. All day. Everyday.
Me: Sonofa….
Me: Wouldn’t it be funny if a hawk swooped down and grabbed one of the kids?
Him: You need help.
White Walkers need coffee too #WinterIsHere
*E=mcHammer
*when E is a constant variable that can’t be touched
Bands are always like “here’s another song” yeah no shit that’s pretty much all you do
Dentist: How often do you floss?
Me: I was raised in a working-class family…
I won $2 on the lottery last night so please, hold my calls.
I’ve watched Dancing With The Stars with my wife all season and she just asked who I think should win. Quick! Someone tell me who’s on it!
cellmate: what are you in here for
me: [snuggling] my bunk is cold
Kids are eating leftover cotton candy for breakfast, day 4 of summer break.
Let’s see what next week brings, other than Child Services.
*lawyer pops out of cake with divorce papers & pen in hand
“Ok folks who ordered the macaroni & bees?”
“you mean cheese?”
[waiter struggling to keep bowl covered]
“that does make more sense actually”
Me: whew, can’t wait to forget about that period of time and move on with my life
iphone featured photos: you will forget nothing
To be honest, given a few tries I think I could do brain surgery.
When a tough guy comes at me like “Hey! You want some of THIS?!” I’m scared, but also it’s like… thank you for asking, you know?
I was an ugly baby.
It’s been downhill since then.
The big phone companies don’t want you to know that you can get a free call whenever you want by punching a cop.
Other than that, Mrs. Gloop, how was the chocolate factory?
me: I’m going to the store to get bread
wife: if they have eggs, buy a dozen
[later]
wife: did they have eggs?
me: *carrying 12 loaves of bread* yes
°a turd walks into a bar°
[BARTENDER] why the long face pal?
[TURD] °sighs° i just got dumped
Auto mechanic: Well here’s your problem. The last person to work on this didn’t wash their hands after using the restroom.