Im telling you. If you turn around for even one second, your toddler will take a swig of your wine.
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All 3 kids need braces so I explained to them that they will have beautiful teeth but no further education.
I didn’t say you were ugly, I just said you were facially challenged.
A letter home from Burning Man:
“My Dearest Martha:
I fear my vibe may die in this thing they call ‘mud.’ We’ve rationed the last of the freeze-dried mung beans, Pip left our soy-tuna packets in the EV and I nearly consumed a gluten. Pray for me, darling. Pray I return.”
KID: Mr. Owl, how many licks does it take to get to the center of a tootsie pop?
ENDANGERED NORTHERN SPOTTED OWL: You cannot possibly think this is a priority for me.
Accidentally left my shopping list on the kitchen bench so had to rely on memory. Came home with a tub of icecream & a pony.
SHERIFF 1: You’ve got updog on your shirt
SHERIFF 2: Not now. I have six holsters labeled A-F and only A, B, C, D, and F have a gun up them.
SHERIFF 1: What’s up holster E?
SHERIFF 2: It’s how you put fabric on couches
If there’s a fine line between being too quiet and saying way too much, i’ve never found it
*watching an old Lassie show
Me: How come you can’t do those things?
Dog (mutters): If we had a well I’d push you into it.
I love how my husband cuts all the bearded dragon’s food up into itty bitty pieces, like that’s how he finds it in the wild.
7: so those people think belle is weird because she’s walking around?
me: i guess so
7: and because she likes books?
me: um…yeah
7: but at least she’s pretty right?
me: …let’s watch moana instead
It’s hard to dial for help when you have two Pringles cans jammed on your hands again
Whoever designated mini cupcakes as “two-bite” has greatly underestimated my #cupcake eating abilities.
[text]
me: miss you, love you, wish you were hereDomino’s : we said 30 min or less
sweetie, something about you tonight is driving me wild
Me: dude I don’t need this sort of negativity in my life right now
Bear attacking me: [bear noises]
Happy Febuary everyone!
I explained how Pac-Man works to my kids, and apparently 4 ghosts constantly chasing someone is a terrifying story to 4yos.
Sext: ‘Ride me harder, baby. Harder’
Me: ‘I’M ALREADY TYPING IN ALL CAPS, WHAT MORE DO YOU WANT FROM ME?’
“I know she told me to buy Tampax, but I’ll buy the store brand that’s on sale instead.”
The last thoughts of a man who’s about to die.
I think I am adventurous until I have to follow a detour or park in a tight lot
Had a trial where I awkwardly held my briefcase the entire time then finally put it down at the end.
Judge, “Don’t.”
Me, “I rest my case.”
WAITER: Would you like some more bread?
SWORD SWALLOWER: No, but could you get me another butter knife please.
With the passing of Hugh Hefner, we must now turn the page on an American icon.
*Pages stick together
6: you’ll always be my mom right?
me: definitely, you’ll always be my baby!
6: what if you’re dead
me: wtf
*Forgets to stir pasta for 4 seconds*
The Pasta:
Welcome to your forties! You’re gonna need several doctors, no matter how many apples
Me: This milk tastes funny
Lactating clown: Thank you
Nature : Earth is 95% full. Please delete anyone you can.
Corona : Got it.
This is my first Christmas without my dad, and like he used to say, “don’t fill your plate if you can’t finish it” so today I’m only having dessert