Im telling you. If you turn around for even one second, your toddler will take a swig of your wine.
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ME: This electric toothbrush knocked a few of my teeth loose.
DENTIST: That’s an egg beater.
Satan: welcome to hell. this is Gary. he’ll be your demon for today.
Demon Gary: hi!
Me: he doesn’t seem so bad.
Demon Gary: *tearing up* why would you say that?
Me: oh, no, I’m sorry, I didn’t–
Satan: jesus, no wonder you ended up here.
FRIEND: What’s your favorite underground band?
ME: Hmm…The Beatles
FRIEND: They’re not really considered underground
ME: Half of them are
What kind of cheese do you pair with a rare bottle of ‘08 Lysol?
Can you rent a shark? It’s time sensitive
1 kid: Makes you a mom.
2 kids: Makes you a maid.
3 kids: Makes you a manager.
4 (or more) kids: Makes you a magical freaking unicorn.
I’m sorry that you invited me over to your apartment for dinner and I created a negative Yelp review about the experience
Interviewer: have you ever made, eaten or even seen a sandwich?
Dude: no
Interviewer: you’re hired welcome to Subway
when I go to parties I always bring my own plunger
Cop: before I search your pockets is there anything I should be aware of?
Me: we brush our teeth with hair on a stick and brush our hair with teeth on a stick
Cop: *on radio* get the feds
I’ve been yelling for years.
Now I’m convinced.
I’m definitely the only one here playing Marco Polo.
My husband is a mumbler, but that doesn’t stop him from telling me I’m beautiful… I’m pretty sure that’s what he’s saying anyway.
Don’t worry guys. I’ve got a scented candle and THREE healing crystals. I’ll have Twitter fixed up by noon tomorrow
I hate when I’m trying to do shit and I’m married.
Me on my way to annoy my favorite person
My husband needs a hearing aid but refuses to get one because it’s the key to our happy marriage.
my mom treats her air pods like they’re disposable. buys a few a month. she says they would be easier to not lose if they had….a cord
Jeff: I’m from New Jersey
Geoff: I’m from New Georsey
Do NOT play Yahtzee with squirrels.
[girl texting me] you left a sprite in my fridge
[CUT TO] Me, crossing step one off of my “secretly move in with her” plan
Job interviewer: Where do you see yourself in 5 years?
Me: I would say my biggest weakness is listening.
[returning from Damascus]
St Paul: “Friends! Let me tell you all about God’s son, Esus”
Voice from the crowd: “Esus? But I thought-“
St Paul: “The letter “J” doesn’t fall into common usage until the 16th century”
St Ohn: “It’s true”
*feels the wind in my toe hair
Can a paleontologist explain to me why dimetrodons were so infatuated w/ yelling at the ocean?
i want a small, tasteful wedding. no family. no friends. no groom. just me eating a big cake
Parents are like “You left a gently used paper towel in your room over christmas. Do you need that? Want me to mail it?”
Narcissus fell in love with his own image, but was immediately annoyed at how it always tried to talk while he was talking.
It’s crazy how my ex was so upset about losing me that he had to build a life with a new woman.
Get yourself a man who talks constantly in his sleep. You don’t have to, but I did. Tonight he said “salad salad salad”, then he grabbed me, and continued to sleep.
I assume he meant I’m a delicious life-giving snack, but he may have been suggesting a diet.