Im telling you. If you turn around for even one second, your toddler will take a swig of your wine.
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“We run a tight ship” barked the captain, his shoulders barely getting thru the doorway “Real tight.”
he turns sideways to fit down the hall
Me: would you trade me for a younger woman?
H: oh honey age doesn’t matter! I’d trade for someone who doesn’t talk through the game.
a little girl walked up to me at the grocery store calling me “mommy” and her dad came up behind her and said “no she’s at home why am i not enough” LMAOOOOOOOO
[calls my boss one week after getting fired] what was my mouse sensitivity set to
Ran in the store to get something healthy for breakfast
I got to tell you that this peanut butter, chocolate iced donut is delicious
Adam: hey this is amazing we’re the first people ever, can you belEVE it lol
Eve: oh right, you like puns
Adam: have you EDEN dinner yet lmao
Eve: think I’m gonna go talk to this shady looking snake
I bought one follower just to see what it was like and he showed up at my job and his name is Eddie and he’s kind of freaking me out guys.
How Stella Got Her Goat Back #ReplaceAMovieTitleWithGoat
me: [taking off shirt]
wife: woah slow down there bud
me: [sadly buttoning] so we’re not having spaghetti tonight?
Cats always have an expression like they ordered 2 of everything on Amazon with your credit card while you were at work.
My garden backs on to railways. About 10 years ago the fences were falling down, complained to network rail who did nothing. In the end, the whole bit of our street got together and put up new fence ourselves. 30 feet back into their land. They’ve never noticed.
Day 20. Still lost at sea. Crew thinks I know how to plot a course with a protractor. I just like making it walk on the map. Pointy Leg Man.
My Ex told me once that more people would like me if I buttered them up, but in real people ran away when I step towards them with a butter knife.
WHAT ARE WE?
Writers!
WHAT ARE WE WRITING?
Snacks!
WAIT, WHAT?
Snacks first, THEN writing!
No, wait, coffee/tea too!
Maybe a nap beforehand!
THEN WRITING?
No, then Twitter
THEN WRITING!
Too late! Time for bed! Writing tomorrow
#amwriting
#writerslife
#writingcommunity
Imagine being The Sun and finding out there is an entire line of glasses devoted to thwarting your vibe
My stove is the most expensive cigarette lighter I’ve ever purchased.
i’m left-handed but sometimes i like to switch hands and do things with my right hand just to see what it’s like to work like a robot
It’s curious how kids are always *really* hungry right before dinner and right after dinner, but never during actual dinner.
The world is your Oyster.
So raw, rubbery and resembling a booger?
People always ask me why there’s a chair in my shower. Who the hell eats chili standing up?
[ascending to heaven] oh wow I can’t believe I made it
[passing heaven by and going towards the sun] ok fair
I have some overdue fees at the library, if you’re into bad boys.
Answering this for men everywhere & this patient. Yes, it is unusual & incredibly icky to flirt with me while I’m checking your prostate.
Merlin: What now?
Lawyer: I’d advise you to turn yourself in to the police
Officer Merlin: Ok, and now?
I don’t understand parents who always think their kids are blameless, I always assume mine are guilty and hope to be pleasantly surprised
I never know how much to tip a cow.
My new pajamas have no pockets. I don’t want to hear your problems.
Emotional awareness simply means recognizing, respecting, and accepting your feelings as they happen.
📸: @livinglyfree
#emotion #positivemindset #PositiveVibes #selfcare #selfcare
coworker: you are so lucky that you don’t have kids
me: that’s not luck that’s on purpose
There is so much going on in this video … I don’t know who to focus on 😂😂😂 hilarious