Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I’m starring in a new movie, in theaters now!

“Right, whose round is it?”

Translation: It is not my round and I know whose round it is.

Meanwhile in Portland…

Me: Let’s go to the store.
5 yo: Why?
M: For food.
5: Why?
M: So we can eat.
5: Why?
M: To stay alive.
5: Why?
M: I have no idea.

You know, if you murder enough people you get your own Wikipedia page.

I’m not saying she’s a tease, I’m just saying she’s like a weather forecast for a beautiful weekend on a Wednesday…

Me: *grimacing* Something stinks. Where’s that smell coming from?

Friend: My oven.

The year is 2491. The machines patrol the dusty ruins looking for the last pockets of human resistance. And they STILL haven’t managed to make a packet of biscuits where the “tear here” is aligned with where you actually have to tear.

Mad Max- road rage
Atlas- road page
Highway worker- road wage
Radar gun- road gauge
Dog catcher- road cage

I am rarely judgmental, but I do scowl, and shake my head slowly in disapproval whenever I see a vegan biting its nails.

“You have $400. Your boyfriend texts and says he needs $200 and your ex texts and says he needs $100. How much you have left?”

Me: $400 and 2 unread messages

All I want is a tall, handsome guy with the wit of Deadpool who loves me like Westley, has moves like Antonio Banderas -in anything- the intellect of Sherlock, and the courage of a Viking.
An accent would be a bonus.

I really don’t think that’s too much to ask.

Just heard that distinct “baby fell out of the crib and into a pizza that was on the floor” sound

Meme Monday.

50% of modern life is trying to figure out what’s beeping.

[himalayan monastery]

me: dad? it took 27 years of searching but I finally found you!

dad: mhmm now it’s your turn to hide

me: [looking at basketball rim] do you think I can still dunk?

wife: give me back the baby

Me: Man T-Rexes looked so cool

Scientist: Nah actually they looked like giant idiot birds

Me: Oh bummer. They were great hunters tho

Scientist: There’s evidence they were scavengers

Me: Ok maybe just stop ruinin-

Scientist: They wore socks with sandals

After watching Honey Boo Boo, I realize America has much bigger problems than the national debt.

one time i matched with a girl on a dating app and her bio said “the first date better be outdoors” so i asked if she wanted to go for a hike and she was like “i meant more like, patio drinks”

I had dreams. I wanted to be the heiress on the terrace. Instead I’m the grouch on the couch.

Good news class—you are exactly 9 years old, so from here on out, we’ll exclusively be reading books where the dog dies.

[Violently kicking down the door of an elderly care nursing facility]

I NEED VOLUNTEERS TO RUN THE UNITED STATES OF AMERICA

There are many to choose from but my favorite quote from the Godfather is when he says “it’s-a me, The Godfather”

If you ever see me with one of those stick figure family bumper stickers it means I’m dead and someone is wearing my skin

[police station]

I’d like to fill out a police report.

*describes myself to the sketch artist*

Sweet Jesus > Unsweetened Jesus

“Money doesn’t grow on trees” is something rich people say so you won’t find their money trees.

Filling animals with helium is kinda weird, but whatever floats your goat.

QUESTIONS YOU CAN ANSWER BY PEEING ON THINGS:

1. Am I pregnant?
2. Does my boss have a very forgiving nature?