“I’m telling you, it’s all or nothing,” the exterminator explains to Noah, “I can’t just leave 2 woodworm. It doesn’t work like that.”
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Nobody is happy. Be like Nobody.
Anna: If you don’t wanna build a snowman I feel bad for you, son.
Elsa: I got 99 problems but the cold ain’t one.
You don’t marry the good parts of a person, you marry the entire person–their faults & failures included. The trick is to look beyond the negative & focus on the parts you love.
If you were my wife and you came home to that note on top of a broken vase would you still be mad?
Cheers Twitter.
Met my boyfriend on eharmony, also eharmony is the nickname I gave this vending machine, meet my sandwich
No more eating spaghetti while driving and this time I mean it.
I’ll be like “I’m just gonna go take a quick look around the bookstore” and come back weeks later in flowing white robes having defeated a Balrog
I’m literally crying
Thanks to my wife for putting back the empty box of Froot Loops back in the pantry. Now I can have a big bowl of disappointment for breakfast.
Say what you will about the state of the world, but now feels like a really good time to start marketing my C̶u̶l̶t̶ C̶o̶m̶m̶u̶n̶e̶ Adult Summer Camp
“please feel free to ignore this email” way ahead of you buddy
🏙👨🏼
Always the bridesmaid, never the person about to make the worst mistake of her adult life
God: write this down
Moses [grabs tablet]: shoot
God: thou shalt have no-
Moses: slow down, pal. It’s gonna take me an hour to carve ‘Thou’
*fills the ice tray once*
I’M THE ONLY ONE WHO DOES ANYTHING IN THIS PLACE
My dream job is writing jokes for Penguin biscuits. Writing jokes for money is getting me nowhere.
If a woman wears a hair tie around her wrist you can be sure she is always ready for something, like maybe a brisk jog away from men who misinterpret meaningless gestures as every woman wants to be viewed sexually.
She believed she could so she did and now I have a meeting with her teacher and the principal.
(At the bar)
Woman: Hi, I think I’ve seen you somewhere before.
Me: Must be Twitter
Her: Did you say Tinder?
Me: Ya know, maybe that was it
[presenting my dissertation] Tom has been chasing Jerry for years, but all he gets if he catches him is a light snack. The time investment isn’t worth the reward. Tom is therefore a victim of the sunk cost fallacy. Next slide please,
I’m not gaining weight, I’m “retaining candy.”
hi, yeah, do u have a minute to talk about our lord and savior Godzilla
If Jesus died for our sins then why are there so many popups when i try to watch a movie online illegally
I only sleep on one side of my bed because the clean laundry sleeps on the other.
Dolls have given us an unrealistic image of women. For example, I found out Russian women do not contain smaller Russian women inside them.
Walked in for bread, walked out with 6 bottles of wine. Now we’re having communion for dinner.
business idea: a dating app that only matches Adams with Steves
Can’t believe I went on a date with someone who did a background check on me and casually spent the rest of the night reciting facts about me to me, and then proceeded to continue going out with him.
I hate starting new relationships . I gotta act like I ain’t crazy for two months.
A Free Range Chicken is easy to spot due to it’s backpack & rugged little hiking boots