Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

*gets laser eye surgery*

“Thanks doc, so how do I activate them?”

I told you, that’s not what—

*i squint at him real hard but he’s right*

Hey dude, can i borrow your laptop? I want to shop for a new computer but it feels cruel to do that on the one I’m replacing.

I gave up trying to get this sport bra off. It’s a hat now

Started out with a kiss how did it end up like this?

CDC: I thought we were pretty clear.

[book store]

ME: *dumps pile of misshapen swans on counter*

CLERK: What is that?

ME: “Origami for Dummies.” I want to return it.

Reading is a gateway drug to being less stupid.

wife: [talking & making baby noises at cat]
me: you must be bored af
wife: no I’m not
me: I was talking to the cat

*Holds my sweatpants like a ball gown when I walk up the stairs*

Stick with me and you’ll go places.

None of them good, but still.

4 YO: Mom, Can you help me open this?

Me: Yeah, in a minute

4 YO: Ok. Alexa, set a one minute timer

“I don’t do politics.”

Politics will do you, my brother and sister. Politics will do you like mad.

Of course my tweet applies to you, random moron on the internet who doesn’t even follow me.

I fell asleep listening to the Red Hot Chili Peppers and woke up illiterate.

Make a horror film less scary by putting old timey words in the title, i.e. The Thingamabob, Jason Goes To Heck or The Hills Have Peepers.

Hell hath no fury like this woman attempting to type “scorned” and having it autocorrected to “scrotum” 13 times in a row.

who called it oktoberfest instead of septembeer?

The boss accused me of taking a drink during lunch, but he is completely mistaken, I paid for all three of them.

why did double and triple dog dares go of out style. it’s win-win. you either see your friends do stupid things or you win two to three dogs

Hear me, oh spirits of earth, wind, and fire. I call upon you to unleash a boogie wonderland.

i speak three languages: english, bad french and the body language of an emotionally compromised and haunted male detective

Hi. This is my first time at yoga. When I called they said to bring a Matt. *points at man standing next to her* Now what do we do with him?

my life is ruined
i wish to live no more

never mind i found the remote.

Angel: welcome to heaven
Me: holy shit
Angel: ooh you swore get out
Devil: welcome to hell
Me: holy shit
Devil: ugh u said holy get out

John Lennon: imagine all the people

Me: ew

[Charlie Brown running up and just booting Hey Arnold in the head]

i was just violently air drumming with the blinds open and i looked outside and my amazon delivery driver was playing air guitar

wife: do u want a glass of water?

me: of what?

wife: water

me: a glass of what?

wife: oh my god. *sighs* earth soup

Barista: Hangover?
Me: Motherhood.

For some reason my hotel room has 2 toilets and i have been using them equally so neither one “feels left out” in case you’re wondering how i’m doing.