Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Today’s fortune cookie reads: ‘you are the only human in this restaurant don’t look up’

[At a Christening]

Priest: I now pronounce you Chris and Chris. You may kiss the Chris.

Guests: *chanting* Chris Chris Chris.

Keep in mind that “The Cat in the Hat” is a lesson to your kids on how to throw a house party when you’re gone…

Me: Pikachu, I choose you!

Pikachu: The restraining order says 500 feet

My teen left her phone at home when she went to school so unfortunately she can’t text me if she needs anything. Fortunately she also can’t text me if she needs anything.

I work with my husband, so we can write off marital counseling as a business expense, right?

2020: How to turn 5 pieces of clothing into a yearlong wardrobe.

*at the end of a 3 day weekend*

Me: I will miss the kids when they go back to school tomorrow, I wish we had more time

The universe: here is a snow delay

Me: no, not like that

I’m part of a mom group chat which means I can read 3,000 messages to learn my kid has a science project due tomorrow.

Job interviewer: “Why do you want to join the Secret Service?”

Me: “It’s a secret.”

Job interviewer: “You got the job.”

Opened the lint filter on my dryer after washing my dog’s bedding and another dog fell out.

Me: Do you like the new ceiling fan?

Her: Yeah, but the fan light is really dull.

Fan light: Ok wow like I’m right here

Every pillow in the house becomes a throw pillow when my kids piss me off.

“Can I ask you a question?” – my daughter, 73 questions ago

my dog is like me. you can call her and make all the kissy noises you want , she ain’t coming unless it’s her idea.

I don’t tell many people this, but I have been known to carry a shiv.

Okay, it’s the underwire in my bra and the only one getting stabbed is me, but still.

Nobody:

Me: people died on the Titanic but the lobsters were set free.

fiance: “just pretend to be religious for 10 minutes and he’ll agree to marry us”
me: “okay”
[at church]
priest: “it’s nice to meet you both”
me: [seeing crucifixion statue on wall] “jesus what happened to this guy?”

Sorry for laughing and pointing when you fell. I just thought clapping would be rude.

I’m not stalking you. I’m trying to help you find that sock that you dropped behind the door before you left for work Wednesday at 7:04.

Every time I buy a fun new mug my mother yells “We have too many mugs!” & I yell “You suck the joy out of everything!” & she yells “Don’t say ‘suck’!” & I yell “I’m a grown woman!” & she yells “Then are you finally moving out of my house”

I have three higher degrees and yet I just opened a bottle of fizzy water that’s been in my rucksack all day on the bus, proving once again that academic prowess has absolutely no correlation to intelligence

I’m not saying murder is the answer, but every time an ex dies, so do some of your darkest secrets.

*first day in prison
*walks up to biggest guy
*asks for WiFi password

[spelling bee]

Moderator: your word is sentence

Me: can you use it in a sentence?

Moderator: your word is sentence

Me: the vacuum broke

Husband: that sucks

Me: no it doesn’t

Wonder Woman 2: Wonder Woman goes to Costco. She pulls apart 2 shopping carts that are stuck together. Costco shoppers amazed. Roll credits.

For anyone who needs this today

Morning.

14 [in front of the dinner his dad made]: I don’t understand what I’m looking at.