Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

“I maintain an elaborate system of thousands of solar panels, but once a year I throw them away because screw it I’ll make more.”

-Trees

[first day as a waiter]

me: do you have any questions

customer: *pointing at menu* how is this prepared

me: we laminate sheets of paper listing the food choices

[person at the grocery store is crowding my personal space]

me: oh hi do you work here can i ask you a question

[person at the grocery store is immediately no longer crowding my personal space]

[me on a first date] Neil Armstrong backwards is Gnorts Mr Alien

Blew my mind.

Accidentally punched myself in the face as I was getting dressed this morning, and I have to say, I deserved it.

“Robots will never rule the earth” I say as I stand up at the beckoning of my watch

Watermelon: because I like to chew flavored water.

Cat: my owner is asleep. What if he is dead?
Cat 911: just walk on his face and find out.

10 bucks says when Dora grows up, she’s gonna be a drug mule.

[ugly sweater contest]

*starts sweating*

*takes home the gold*

I hate it when I’m on twitter & there isn’t a car behind me to honk when the light is green.

5: Wait, chicken we eat is from DEAD CHICKENS?
Me: Well, yes.
5: So Chicken McNuggets used to be part of REAL CHICKENS?
Me: Well, no.

“Honey, I’m pregnant”
“Are you kidding me?”
“That’s another way of saying it, I guess, yeah”

I’ll stop wearing black when they make a darker color

“I don’t need much” is teenager for “I may need you to take out a second mortgage to pay for all of my back to school stuff.”

Call me faithless, but I just can’t believe three guys would travel that far on camels to throw a baby shower.

I hate when I grab a live wire and everyone sees my damn skeleton

Facebook: Please give us access to all of your personal information

Me: Okaaaay, but only if you tell me which Golden Girl I am.

Well, like I said to my television the other day. “How can these people be so stupid?!?”

Since I got my iPhone eleventeen last week I have taken about 47 screenshots of my Home Screen just trying to turn the gd thing off.

I would correct your grammar but you don’t use any.

Impressing the McDonald’s drive thru people with my music is always a top priority

Y’all will never guess what her husband bought her. I’m hollering!!

WIFE: [holding newborn baby] Ive never been so proud of anything in my life

ME:[thinking about that one time I drew a perfect giraffe] same

Level of drunkenness: fed the ATM pizza.

I developed a very large vocabulary to avoid words I couldn’t spell.

I can’t grow flowers for shit but my old neglected potatoes in a grocery bag in the basement just grew legs and marched up here

Naming a dog after alcohol is cute until they run away and you scream their name until your neighbor brings you a bottle to shut you up.

Orion’s belt? Waist of space!