Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

‘Us Weekly’ Wins Pulitzer For Outstanding Achievement In Photoshopping A Rip Between Divorced Celebrity Couple

Writing, She Murdered.

“Hello welcome to meteorologist school. Please stick your head out of the nearest window and pick your diploma up on your way out.”

ME: I have crab like reflexes

DAD:I think you mean cat like reflexes

ME: [sitting in pot of boiling water] what

Told my kids I’m gonna be a toilet for Halloween cause of all the shit I take from them.

Sorry I winked at your mom when she said she needed her pool vacuumed.

SHE SAID YES!! 😍😍😍💍💍💍 i asked my mom if she was disappointed in me!!

I ordered a bed from IKEA and they sent me a tree trunk and a saw.

Had a picnic and got bitten by every insect known to man. Except for a lady bug, she just sat on my forehead and took a shit.

Sat behind two cars at a four-way stop for 5 minutes before I realized I had accidentally joined a goddamn school pick up line.

My future soulmate & lover out there praying that I don’t find happiness with anyone but her, your prayers being answered!!

Let’s go to church and wink at each other whenever one of our sins gets mentioned.

Apparently “ew no” is not an acceptable way to tell my boss I don’t want more responsibility at work.

I’m guessing the person who decided how to spell “queue” and “okay” got paid by the letter.

[I find a mysterious note in kitchen]

“LEAF 1 MILLLION UNMARKD DOG TREETS N BAKYARD BY SONDOWN OR WE RELEASH PICHURES OF U PETTIN A CAT”

“This does not bode well.” – a guy at the returns desk, explaining why he’s returning a boder.

I’m never more aware of a room’s acoustics than when I’m trying to enjoy a snack I have no intention of sharing.

I misspelled ‘I’m unstoppable’ and my phone autocorrected to ‘I’m unstable’ and honestly, that’s fair.

Apollo: everyone in favour of hunting the cyclopes, say aye

I don’t understand why I can’t find a girlfriend. I have a good job where I’m my own boss. I own a boat. I have lots of friends. I have a peg leg and an eye patch and a hook for a hand

me: lmao i saw it on twitter

them: what’s your twitter

me: i don’t have twitter

Kids are like public radio stations; they’re talented at constantly interrupting stories to ask for money.

Focused so much on my cupboard making hobby, that I ended up pushing my friends and family away. Now I’m all alone, it’s just me, my shelf and I

Dogs naturally form packs, and if left undisturbed, will teach themselves how to play poker

just ONCE i’d like to casually enjoy a milkshake in my yard without being absolutely INUNDATED with boys

*Werewolves spot a group of teens smoking pot around a campfire*

Werewolf 1: Edibles!

if i can have dinner w anyone dead and alive, i’d pick kate middleton

*first day as salsa dancer

“I’m not cleaning this up.”

Me: He’s a great baby, just doesn’t really sleep much.

My baby, if he could talk: Whoa whoa whoa! I sleep! As long as you hold me while standing – facing north – sway at an even 37 sways per minute, while Israel Kamakawiwoʻole’s Over the Rainbow plays. Why is this so hard?

I sympathize with the journalist intern assigned to uncover my scandalous past, only to stumble upon countless pictures of me indulging in gravy.