I’m telling you to go to hell because I’m poor. If I was rich I would kill you.
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My daughter just described someone as “looking like she was drawn from memory” and I think that’s the best insult I’ve ever heard.
Try a grape in the produce section and it’s ok but try a leg of rotisserie chicken and you get escorted out of the store
Me: Do you like my new negligé?
Him: Are you wearing bubble wrap?
Me: You said put something on that would keep you occupied for hours.
Sex is like my hair. I didn’t have any yesterday. I didn’t have any today. And unless something drastically changes, I won’t have any tomorrow.
Me: You shifted your bar to the rooftop from the basement?
Him:
Him: Yes, I raised the bar.
[after sex]
ME: that was…magnificently stupefying
HER: please put the thesaurus down
My 6yo proudly made her own breakfast this morning: “a pile of ham”
It’s a good thing I’m not a bird. They’d be telling me I needed to fly south and I’d be like look guys, I only do right or left.
[Trailer voice]
Detective Will Anker is an alcoholic with a drug problem who has just 48 hours to find the person who killed 150,000 innocent people & stole 37 billion pounds.
The only problem is everything points to him!!!!W. Anker
Thursdays on Fox
I spilled beer on a guy. He said “You wanna dance?” I said “Can’t, I don’t have my dancing shoes on.” He was so disappointed, he beat me up.
I know my son will be a good dad one day, because I dropped a plate and he said “now things are getting out of hand” with a straight face
*sitting in the dark at the kitchen table waiting for my wife*
Hello Karen. Maybe you’d like to tell me who used all my essential oils
I like to write “made you look” on folded pieces of paper and place them under car windshield wipers in parking lots.
6 yr old: Can we have cupcakes for breakfast?
Me: Absolutely not.
(I can’t tell him it’s because I ate them all around 3am.)
Redheaded guys know they can just dye their hair, right? They don’t have to live like that.
Before we eat, my father always makes us join hands and debate critical race theory.
Me: I would love to sleep with you
Her: ok I think we’re ready for this
[We lay down and nap because we are not perverts like you]
If you play a Microsoft CD backwards, you hear satanic messages. That’s nothing, because if you play it forwards, it installs Windows
I love that old saying that goes “If your drink doesn’t kill you make it stronger”… or something like that.
asking my bank if i can do extra credit
Step 1: Buy a 3D printer.
Step 2: Print a 3D printer.
Step 3: Return the 3D printer.
Homeless man: Spare some change for a cup of coffee?
Me: *Bends down to eye level* You don’t look anything like a cup of coffee
I’m no blood spatter expert, but by the look of this bathroom floor, you’re pulling your tampons out way too fast.
I’m very sorry, I must inform you, the stupidity has metastasized.
WOMAN: Is anyone here a doctor?!
MAN: I sure am! And I think I can. Save that man. Like eggs & ham.
W: Shutup Seuss! I meant a real doctor.
6yo: What does it feel like to be invisible?
Me: (on toilet) I wish I knew.
ME: haha u dare me to take off all my clothes and run thru this park
COP: no
ME: wow I cant believe ur making me do this lol
COP: I’m not
Lost in a corn maze? Light it on fire. Turn it into a popcorn maze. Eat your way out.
Think before you yell at your kids. They are the ones who might have to bring you toilet paper in 20 minutes
Running barefoot, the morning’s dew cool on my feet. My hair flows in the August breeze and I carry with me treasures from my past. I look to the horizon and I see him, my hero. And I smile. For today is Recycling Day and I’ve made it to the curb on time.