Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Hey Walmart, don’t be pissed at me for not scanning everything

you literally gave me zero training before promoting me to cashier.

Isn’t it ironic that all of Alanis Morissette’s friends knew her song had nothing to do with irony but, being Canadian, were too polite to tell her.

Hey!! pssst! Guys who wear camo to bars: There is a reason you’re not getting laid…it’s because the women can’t see you..

THERAPIST: My suggestion for you: Therapy dog

ME: Ok

[next week]

THERAPIST: Well?

ME: They told me I don’t qualify to be a therapy dog

Whenever I take my kids to the zoo I think this is exactly where they belong.

Me- my boyfriend never messages goodnight before sleeping 😞
My friend- maybe because you don’t have one?

Making a wreath of all my kids’ lost teeth to hang on my door to ward off solicitors.

them: can i call you? It’s really difficult to convey in a chat msg

me: try harder.

People on Twitter: OMG I love how confident you are

Me: [playing trivia at a bar by myself because I assume people don’t want me on their team even though two groups of friends literally asked me to join their teams] yep

If you could go back in time and show a medieval peasant one movie, what would it be?

I would pick Jim Carrey’s classic “The Mask” (1994)

[Scooby Doo at an interview]
Interviewer: May I see your CV?
Scooby: *hands CV over* Rrres you may!
Interviewer: Round here we call it a CV.

Typing
your tweets
like this doesn’t
make them
poems.

What idiot called it a picnic and not a blanquet?

I just labeled the folder with my passwords in my computer bag “PW” rather than “Passwords” in case anyone wants me on their encryption team

“It was M. Day Shyamalan all along!” – The ultimate twist

Sorry I am late I was lost in a large, particularly labyrinthine sweater

All this “Kaine is boring” talk is your reminder that nowadays Abraham Lincoln would have to know parkour or some shit

The water drought in California is so bad, that someone broke into my cousins house and stole his waterbed.

Shoutout to everyone who remembers the days before satnavs, when you’d go to visit someone on the outskirts of London and 4 hours later you’d pass Big Ben for the 2nd time while screaming

Remember kids, it’s not a true burn if there are grammatical errors.

I had to have stupid emergency laser eye surgery today and I never thought my eyes would be the first to betray me but they’ve seen some shit at this point so I guess it makes sense.

why they call it sex on the beach and not wavy lays

Why are you mad at me because YOU’RE an idiot? I didn’t make you stupid.

As confused as an atheist who’s stuck behind a car that isn’t moving at a green light & has a bumper sticker that says ‘Honk if you love God

Working on my new impression, “drummer having a blast.” Keep an eye out for “guitarist who’s really feelin’ it.”

Just made an appointment with a cardiologist. Don’t be alarmed, I’m sure all my cardigans are fine. I just wanna make sure they fit.

Only thing sexier than a bad decisions is a bad decision with queso.

the best sex is the kind that keeps your neighbor up all night. that’s what my neighbors are having.

[creation of spinach]

God: Make it slimy and gross when they cook it, like seaweed. And it should be dark green, and when they eat it, it sticks in their teeth.

Angel: Is everything okay at home?