I’m telling you to go to hell because I’m poor. If I was rich I would kill you.
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My father once told me, “Son, if you want people to listen to what you have to say, claim it’s something your father told you.”
The hardest thing about ghost hunting is cutting its head off so you can mount it on your wall
*being mugged*
me: “im warning you, i know karate”
mugger made out of thin, stationary blocks of wood: “oh shit”
Trying to watch what I eat again so I just ate an entire loaf of bread with half a jar of Nutella I’d say that’s a good start
Me: *leaves body to science*
Science: *starts crying*
My girlfriend has 206 bones in her body. Now 207.
Now 206. Now 207. Now 206. Now 207….
My kid called me to tell me their car had a flat tire when they got to school.
Then pacified me with:
“Don’t worry mom, it’s only flat on the bottom.”We’re thinking Harvard.
Her: I’m not wearing underwear
Me: good thing I brought extra
If I squint really hard, nope. You’re still an idiot.
I saw a group of kids trying to put another kid into a dumpster. I had to step in, they couldn’t even lift him. We high-fived & laughed.
Autocorrect changed no worries to no weiners and that’s my new tagline.
The Chinese New Year is almost here. I know they’re in another time zone, but 2 months behind seems a little extreme.
Huge nerds we are. Get laid we must.
Can’t
I’m serenading the neighbors with my harmonica at 2am
Airbnb owner: Before you check out can you start the dishwasher, put on a load of laundry, do my taxes, and renovate the bathroom?
Me:
*googles how the hell I ended up here*
Therapist: You need to stop doing weird things, going out might help
Me: I went to the park today
Therapist: There you go! I hope you got something from that
Me *opens coat* this duck
Wait – if the planet is spinning faster, maybe I *didn’t* gain weight. Maybe there’s more gravity.
Let me play you the song of my children.
*open and closes door 20 times*
Terribly Tuesday.
I won $5 on a scratch-off lottery ticket, so it looks like someone is buying name brand aluminum foil this week.
Mom: Have you tried the lemon squares?
Me, joking: Nah, I’m allergic to shapes
Mom, serious: It doesn’t look like you’re allergic to round
Once I ‘get’ a man, how do I keep him, you ask?
It’s simple you idiot. I add cheese to everything. He makes lasagna; I add cheese. He wants to have a pass; I throw straight cheese. He wants to discuss fundamental physics; I buy string cheese…
I was just about to have sex but then a gust of wind blew my condom into a labyrinth and like a fool I ran in to get it
[At supermarket]
“Excuse me do you work here?”
WHAT? ME? Work HERE? Hell no. I went to college. I don’t have a job
My back has gone out more than I have this year.
[the ghost of christmas future points at my grave] finally im dead [i lay down in the grave] stop kicking me ghost im not learning anything
In the future the only two jobs left are Uber driver and escape room planner.
Her: I can’t eat all that.
Me: … That’s a blueberry.