I’m telling you to go to hell because I’m poor. If I was rich I would kill you.
You Might Also Like
My wife just opened a bottle of wine so my chances of getting laid just went from 0 to 750ml.
6-year-old: Why do I have to share a room?
Me: It could be worse. Harry Potter slept in a cupboard under the stairs.
6: Yeah. By himself.
i have faced more peer pressure to drink oat milk than to do drugs
i wasn’t in favor of banning tiktok until i found out there is a part of it called “watertok” where people share “water recipes”. what do you mean water recipes. all you need is cold water. it’s a tasty treat
This gratitude journal looks a lot like a grocery list.
*Seductively stripping out of clothes.
Gynecologist: Please stop that.
People think they can be snarky to me at work like they don’t realize I have perfume I can wear and fish I can microwave.
Dolls have given us an unrealistic image of women. For example, Russian women do not contain smaller Russian women inside them.
Be right back. My son who’s slitting enemy throats in “Call of Duty” is screaming for me to kill a centipede.
some inanimate objects that are secretly plotting against you
Her: “Men are creepy!”
Me, from inside of the closet:
“Yes, we are.”
McD’s drive thru: Welcome back.
Me: Welcome back? That’s pretty presumptuous.
MDT: …
M: …
MDT: The usual?
Me: Yeah. Thanks Brenda.
Him: My friend got me a Fitbit
Me: Oh yeah, heard of them, haven’t got one though
Him: You can buy them online
Me *whispering* you can buy friends online?!
Me: Soooo it’s our 3rd date. Is this when we like, you know, take it to the next level?
Him: Definitely! My place or yours?
Me: I was just hoping to go somewhere a little nicer than 7-11
[First date]
HER: I want a man who is intensely passionate when he sees something he wants
ME: PASS THE FREAKING SALT
Being a parent is kind of like being a Scooby Doo villain. I would’ve gotten away with so many things if it weren’t for these meddling kids.
spicy snake
Nurse: “This may hurt.”
Me: “June hasn’t been much fun either.”
My ideology is to stay away from people with ideology.
[The shark attack sketch]
Him: I’m terrified of being attacked by a shark.
Her: You’re so dumb. The chances of that happening are less than one in three million. Lol.[fin]
You: Sitting down to eat
Me: *hovering* Sooo…are you gonna finish that?
When I bought a new carpet my dog become a shark
Doctors offices be like hi we’ll take you right in the room take your vitals and then leave you in there for 2 hours.
A baby is 75% water. So if I walked on babies I’d be 75% Jesus. #SolidLogic
How come when people say “it’s been real” it’s fine, but when I say “this has been a fictitious event conjured up by my addled brain” all of the beings around me get awful quiet.
Papa Bear: I wish he’d Mackle more.
Mama Bear: I wish he’d Mackle less.
Baby Bear: I tore the throat out of a girl who stole our porridge.
“Let’s go over this one more time.”
“I know what-”
“ONE MORE TIME.”
“Fine.”
“What is it you’re looking for?”
“A garbage bag.”
“In which room?”
“The kitchen.”
“What do you do when you find it?”
“Bring it to you here.”
“I’m counting on you, Tim.”
Things i use duct tape for, by percentage:
Pranks: 35%
Car repair: 35%
Wrapping presents: 20%
Medical emergencies: 10%
Ducts: 0%
Remember when we used to eat cake after someone blew all over it?
Good times.
He raised an eyebrow, put his hand down and with one eye on the table, looked expressionless.
Never play poker against Mr Potato Head.