I’m tempted to start throwing glitter at people who refuse to wear masks. So sorry it got in your mouth and up your nose, I bet a mask would have prevented that.
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Me: I can’t sleep
My cat: lol what if I walked all over you right now
grandma: you kids are always on your silly phones
me: *looking at her on the floor with a broken hip* listen do you want me to call 911 or not
Me (severely dehydrated): This churro is overcooked, and I can barely taste the cinnamon
Lifeguard: sir, put down the pool noodle
Me: I’ll call you when I get home so you know I’m safe
Bus driver: I really don’t care
My 18 year-old was complaining about her job so I told her it’ll be ok she only has 47 years left.
My wife’s driver license should say “Brain Donor” because she gives me a piece of her mind daily.
Cops: put your hands where we can see them
Invisible man:
therapist: if you wanna be sad, be sad
me: I cannot stress how far ahead of you I am on this one
coworker: what do u think happens after we die
me: when I die, nothing
coworker: what about when I die
me: I get arrested
RABBIT HUSBAND: You look even better after a full day of work. I don’t know how you do it, honey.
RABBIT WIFE: They test cosmetics on me.
Just a few more pieces of cake and I will be the world’s most sarcastic pillow.
Honestly babies are so lazy like hold up your own head Charles, you have literally nothing else to do.
Unlike smoking, vaping doesn’t reduce your sex drive. It just reduces the sex drive of the people who see you vaping.
Catwoman’s full name is Catherine Woman.
When you’re British and you need to deliver the sickest burn possible
Twitter: she’s on to us
Me: No no..it doesn’t matter, I love you
Twitter: I’m just an app
Me: ‘Presses finger to twitter lips. Shhhhhh
excited for my first day at at&t as a network engineer supporting national infrastructure. just unplugged a few things in the server room for my space heater. it’s cold in here. should be fine though
Me: [forgetting the word coconut] one hairy bowling ball please
*T-Rex stubs his toe*
OUCH I’M SO MAD. JUST… MAD. I’M…“Angry? Agitated? Irritated? Anno-”
SHUT UP THESAURUS NO ONE ASKED YOU.
What is worse than your GF sending you a text to ” Break Up ” ?
Another text saying ” Sorry, that wasn’t for you ! ”
😂😂😂
Theres plenty of fish in the sea. Theres loads of trash at the dump. Theres tons of bones in a skeleton. Bugs are everywhere.
>when you hit the end game in a JRPG but your party is underleveled
When people are kissing in public, it’s weird how angry they get when you try and join in.
hoarder on TV: pls help me doc
therapist: of course. lets start by throwing out all these anime posters. we’ll take them to my car
Just did the math and found out I can retire next year if I start saving $144,468.02 a month.
If you love someone, set them free. If they come back, it was meant to be…or Stockholm Syndrome. Most likely Stockholm Syndrome.
*smuggles cake (containing saw) into escape room*
Hi, it’s me. The guy who was just complaining about it being to warm in November. You might think this would preclude me from *also* complaining about how cold it’s gotten now but I contain multitudes.
Me: The best thing about the day after a birthday is having cake for breakfast.
Kids: YAY! CAKE FOR BREAKFAST!
Me: I didn’t mean for you.
me: where did you put my gravy boat?
son: on the table, next to the lettuce
me: the lettuce, the ICEBURG lettuce?
son: dad, stop with the titanic jokes