I’m tempted to start throwing glitter at people who refuse to wear masks. So sorry it got in your mouth and up your nose, I bet a mask would have prevented that.
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What’s a random act of kindness you’ve done for a stranger recently? I helped a bunch of teens buy alcohol and cigarettes the other day
I did the DNA test 23 and me. I’m 85% Hagen Dazs and only 15% Reeses! This test is bullshit!
Every Adele song is about lasagna.
Just got kicked out of Walmart for having a concealed belly button.
[makes eye contact with guy on bus]
Him: *opens flip phone*
Me: *pulls out cordless phone*
Him: …
Me: *stretches out metal antenna*
My milk crate brings all the boys to the ER.
If you ghost me, I assume one of two things happened
1: you fell in love with me really quickly and overwhelmingly and you couldn’t handle it and knew I would ruin your life forever because of how amazing I am
2: you died
*is somehow finally able to leave Hotel California*
FRONT DESK: ok that will be $382,197,067.92
Gonna serve James Bond a stirred martini just to see if he even notices, that pretentious little shit
A very large bee just flew by and dropped a big spider on me. What kind of sick collaboration is this?
Can’t. Busy getting sized up for a sister wife by the dude at tractor supply.
“Leave the peach cobbler in the kitchen alone,” mother would say, going upstairs.
But I couldn’t help myself. I sneaked in and watched him. Watched him make his stupid little peach shoes, taunting.
“Nobody’s going to wear those,” I’d say. “They’re stupid.”
But on he worked.
Oh, you’re a parent? Then how many times have you moved a cup back from the edge of the table this week?
[God creating me]
And then we sprinkle in just a touch of anxiety
[the lid pops off and the whole jar spills in]
[God shrugs] He’ll be fine
DOG 911: what’s your emergency?
DOG: *whispering* they put me in a stroller
DOG 911: *covers phone* WE’VE GOT A CODE SLIGHTLY DARKER GREY
I had to have stupid emergency laser eye surgery today and I never thought my eyes would be the first to betray me but they’ve seen some shit at this point so I guess it makes sense.
*runs away from Satan*
*runs towards cake*
Dollar General is too expensive for me. I’m looking for the 50 Cent Lieutenant Colonel.
Fifty Shades of Grey is only romantic because the guy is a billionaire. If he was living in a trailer park it would be a Criminal Minds episode.
From my Mom
I’m thinking about registering as a sex offender just so families with lots of kids won’t move into my neighborhood.
You can’t make everyone happy.
You’re not cheese.
Whenever I worry if I’m being a good mom or not I remind myself that someone out there named their kid Abcde so the bar is like, really low
I named my two kids Madness and Sparta, and boy do I love introducing them to people
Ladies: The “silent treatment” is not a punishment. Try the “sit next to him and cry and or frown excessively treatment” instead.
I just pulled over for a siren on the radio so I get it, dogs that bark at tv.
I may not have any friends but at least I know my cat will never ask me to help him move
Googling symptoms only tells you which diseases have the best SEO
Be your mom’s favorite by not having to make her count to three.