I’m tempted to start throwing glitter at people who refuse to wear masks. So sorry it got in your mouth and up your nose, I bet a mask would have prevented that.
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99 bottles of beer on the wall?
Challenge accepted
*writes ‘amount to something’ on bucket list*
*crosses it out*
*writes ‘mount something’*Yeah. That’s do-able.
me: excuse me where’s your restroom
salesman: it’s for customers only
me: [doing the pee dance] ok I will have one ford explorer please
if you’ve ever been worried about pitching something crazy at your job, imagine being the person who suggested taking temperatures rectally
I was going to pay the taxi driver with my leftovers from lunch but that wouldn’t be fare to him
No one rushes to view your WhatsApp status like people who have their read receipt off.
If you are being chase by a serial killer, you both are running for your life
too many types of pasta. I can say my fav is flincharoni and not one of you can be sure if it’s real. look at you googling it.
centipede: *trips*
*but for like, an hour*
WIFE: Your heavy drinking is making you delusional
ME: *turns to friend* Do you think that’s true?
WOLVERINE: Nah, don’t listen to her
My dad is watching American Pie and the sex scenes are somehow more uncomfortable at 36 than they were as a teen
It’s cute how I ordered 2 drinks and the bartender asked if I wanted to wait for the other person to be seated
“my intrusive thoughts won” all u did was eat a donut?? that’s not an intrusive thought. if my intrusive thoughts won i’d be on the news.
I grew up during the time when every home had a sewing machine but no one knew how to use it or where it came from.
Get ahead at the office by taking work home with you over the weekend. No need to work on it just make sure people see you take it home…
paramedic arriving on the scene: oh my god his face is totally disfigured
me: [only hurt my leg] what
A fun thing to do when someone shows you a picture of their new baby is to look confused and just say “I don’t get it?”
Welcome to your 40s.
If you don’t have a back pain, one will be assigned to you.
Top 3 screwdrivers:
1. Tool for turning screws
2. Vodka and orange juice
3. Method of Uber payment
[Marriage Counseling]
Wife: He’s always messing up even the simplest phrases.
Me: I THOUGHT we were gonna keep that on the download…
I’ll take ‘Liars’ for $500, Alex
“Sorry that’s not-”
Who is Karen?
“Sir-”
‘Cheaters’ for $1000
“Again that’s-”
*lips on mic* Who is Karen?
him: your so cute! why are you alone!?
me: you’re
him: …
me: hello? hello?
And for my next trick I’ll be pulling the rug from under your feet
~Life
HANNIBAL: thanks for coming over for dinner
HALF-EATEN CANADIAN: thanks for having me
There are two kinds of people in the world, those who can’t parallel park and those who grab a chair and a bowl of popcorn when they see the first group of people try to parallel park
when someone replies to a locked account it’s like watching Han talk to Chewie
That scene where Scar kills Mufasa only it’s me to the crumbs on my shirt
My gynecologist recognized me at the grocery store, so I guess I need to start wearing longer skirts.
My 7yo was pretending to be a bunny, and my 8yo was trying her best to train her with carrots. In the middle of their play, my 8yo came up to me with a big smile, “thank you for giving me a bunny to play with.”