I’m terrible at balloon animals but pretty decent with balloon amoeba
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[first date]
HER: I really like a man who notices things.
ME: [trying to impress] Your eyebrows make you look like an Angry Bird.
My 4 year olds are looking in the mirror and trying to catch their reflections making a mistake.
Her: Well, I don’t want to look a gift horse in the mouth…
Me: Then don’t floss in a mirror.
Got my COVID test result back. 70, whatever that means. Luckily I also got my IQ test results and they were positive
I’ve reached the age where I randomly yell things like “manifest!” because the word I forgot 15 hours ago has finally come to me.
this one is dumb but worth the zoom-in, i swear
I am *this* close to adopting a bunch of cats and opening a bed & breakfast called HairBnB.
[firing torpedo from submarine]
torpedo: but I don’t know how to do anything else
condom commercials should just be a live-feed of couples trying to enjoy a decent meal at a restaurant with their kids
I refuse to eat pound cake or go to yard sales. It’s metric system or gtfo.
I’d run away but I’ve got too many clothes.
Ban Viagra, things are hard enough.
Wife: [on phone]
Me: Who are you calling?
Wife: The fire department.
Me: Why?
Wife: I need a permit to light your birthday candles.
Phone: Swipe for Face ID.
Me: [swipe]
Phone: I don’t recognize you.
Me: [smiles]
Phone: I still don’t recognize you.
Me: [holds bag of chips in front of my face]
Phone: oh okay there you are
Never make a promise you can’t keep rescheduling.
People that say, “If you already have a couple of kids, what’s a couple more?” have obviously never had four kids.
when I die I want to go to heaven to see my grandpa, but only if he’s learned to keep his bathrobe tied
What idiot called it grand larceny and not klepto currency
“You’re not like the other girls.”
“Yeah, that’s pretty much how this works. We’re literally all different ones.”
Me : I have changed my mind.
Wife : Hope the new one is working.
Me: I just want to taste your chapstick 😏
Her: oh.. 😉 *leans in for a kiss*
Me: *eating her chapstick* oh.
Her: oh.
Adulthood is getting your shit together but then forgetting where you kept it.
“Jurassic Park” is still my favorite movie about giant electric fences.
[Jedi Training]
TRAINER: Any questions?
STUDENT: Can the Force be with me?
TRAINER: I don’t know…CAN it?
STUDENT: Oh right…May the Force
“No time to explain!” I shout as I douse you in gravy.
Day one back at school and my daughter coughed and I told her if she does that again she’s grounded
If my next of kin takes a nap..
Can i call him Napkin?
Ah, 50s…you just keep on giving.
@owenbroadcast Sometimes I’ll go to small towns and just stand there in a flannel shirt just in case I’m in a Hallmark movie