I’m terrible at balloon animals but pretty decent with balloon amoeba
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Walmart never delivered my grocery order but they gave me a $10 credit so I will give each of my thanksgiving guests a dollar in lieu of a meal. All is well.
*tree falls in the forest*
*tree pretends to start jogging so it doesn’t look like an idiot*
I just had a moment of clarity. Glad that’s over with.
I don’t know how to be single. Today I saw a woman eating alone so I decided to sit next to her and introduce myself. She immediately started screaming at me like a crazy person and told me to get out of her car.
You ever randomly hear your mom singing ‘Candy Shop’ and then die a little inside?
A psychologist on a podcast I listen to just said “if you want to be less anxious you need to worry less” so thank god he spent $80k on his PhD because this is absolute gold
My purse is deeper than some people.
When the Olympics finally introduces the event “Dropping your phone and very nearly catching it but not quite” then you’ll all see me shine.
#catsoftwitter
*walks in on you sitting on the toilet* “Scooch over.”
The performance I give pretending to have never tried trail mix to get an extra sample at Costco is Oscar-worthy
ME: my dog ate my homework
TEACHER AT MY DOG FOOD CULINARY SCHOOL: that is good
Fact: you spend an average of 3.7 hrs of your life in the pantry looking for the ‘damn’ paprika
Santa keeps a pair of mounted antlers over his fireplace to keep the reindeer from unionizing.
i baked you a cake
My ex DM’d me to say I’m acting creepy then unfollowed me. Luckily, I have his password so I just refollowed myself and told him he’s wrong.
PSA: Calories don’t count today because February 29 doesn’t really exist.
I impose tariffs on my children by taking a bite of each Poptart before I hand it to them, and let me tell you, the markets don’t like it
why does my dog sprint after he poops like he’s fleeing the scene of a crime
I always close the door to the bathroom even if I’m home alone. What if someone broke in and saw me peeing? That would be so embarrassing
YOU TWEETED 23 TIMES TODAY. RT @realDonaldTrump People ask me what I do in my free time. The answer–I don’t have any.
“Here kid. I hope you like not getting laid until college because your bedroom is a giant dinosaur now.”
-extreme home makeover
Me: Good night Moon
Moon:
Me, climbing out of lunar module two weeks later: Did you get my text?!
Our tree caught on fire we threw it outside and the dog dragged it back into the House
Take me down to the paranoid city where the grass is TRYING TO KILL ME and the girls are CONSPIRING AGAINST ME
Me washing my car
Neighbour: Hey what’s up? Washing your car?
Me: No, I’m watering it to see if it’ll grow into a bus.
“Dark Side Tech Support.”
“Hi. My hand lightning won’t work. The hate’s flowing thru me, but nada.”
“Try turning the hate off & on again.”
* on my death bed
Me: One thing I want you to do for me…
Wife: Name it?
Me: I want you to marry Larry.
Wife: (pause)You sure? I thought you hated Larry?
Me: I do.