Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I hide photos on my computer of me petting animals at the zoo in a file named FIREWORKS AND VACUUMS so my dog won’t find them.

Remembering my youth, and a time where I could breath out of more than one nostril at once.

Never underestimate the power of karate to save a marriage.

Every reddit relationship post is like “My husband dropped a big piano on my head and when I emerged from the rubble my teeth had been replaced by the keys. Am I in the wrong?”

Oh my God.

If he has cleaning supplies but has a dirty house, he’s a murderer.

No…no. Just leave your shirt here and let’s go look for Bigfoot.

~ whiskey

*Adds brown food coloring to hot water*

Me serving decaf

My kid spent a long time washing kinetic sand off his hands, so now he’s clean, but the bathroom looks like it went to a rave on a beach

[Jedi Training]
TRAINER: Any questions?
STUDENT: Can the Force be with me?
TRAINER: I don’t know…CAN it?
STUDENT: Oh right…May the Force

I asked my mom about parenting and she said: “the first 40 years are the hardest.”

Her oldest child is 38. 🤣

My wife’s favorite position is where I’m bent over the kitchen sink doing the dishes.

*calls psychic hotline*
Psychic: how can I help you?
Me: well this is bullshit.

“It’s only eight o’clock” he says like that’s not late as shit.

What kind of dessert do ghosts always come back for??

A Boo Meringue

From now on when people come up to me while I’m pregnant and say, ‘looks like you’re getting so close now!’ I’m just going to start saying ‘you too!’

Hendrix didn’t need to twerk on stage. He performed the old fashioned way, relying only on his musical talents and near lethal doses of LSD.

Is LSD illegal or just frowned upon? Asking for a giant purple rabbit.

Celebrities, they’re just like us, except they drink wine and insult each other from their private island

#oldknees

When your bucket of KFC starts talking about the afterlife, that is some deep fried chicken.

Succession: powerful people are just as dumb and shitty as you. they just have power

Game of Thrones: powerful people are just as dumb and shitty as you. they just have power

Reality: powerful people are just as d- they know everything, EVERYTHING, and they control it all i swe

No one is more ambitious than a mom with a single day off.

GUY 1: I beat cancer
GUY 2: I backpacked thru Europe
GUY 1: So what?
GUY 2: And I didn’t tell anyone about it when I got back
GUY 1: You win

“No time to explain!” I shout as I douse you in gravy.

this lady on nextdoor was like “we’ve had this chihuahua for ten years but we had a baby so now we’re getting rid of our dog does anyone want him” and i replied “rehome the baby” and now IM the bad guy?

My mother always cooked with wine
while I was growing up back home.

Occasionally she would even add
some to whatever she was cooking.

The problem with hosting a party at my house is I can’t leave the party early and go home.