Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

DATE: So tell me about yourself
ME: My brain sturdy like large oak table
DATE: Ok

British parking sign:

———————————
Parking Mon-Fri
Saturday (except Sunday)
No return within 1 hour
2 hour max (bank holiday)
Not valid Fri-Mon
(Excludes Weekdays)
1 hour only
———————————

Just put bacon grease in my wax warmer and now Matha Stewart is calling me for tips

When you finally manage to get the piece of popcorn out of your teeth

My daughter told us that she learned the life cycle of a frog, and when asked to recite it, she said, “eggs, tadpole, frog, prince, ex-husband.”

Why is it called a backhanded compliment and not a slampliment?

Jewish Baristas, or as I like to call them…

He brews.

I was actually doing so well until your email found me.

My buddy’s PRETTY drunk…

So I took the car key off of his keychain…

He’s been trying to start his car with a house key for 4 hours now

I put a message in an empty wine bottle and threw it in the ocean.

It said, “Please refill and return to sender.”

Now I wait.

Server: I’m sorry sir, we don’t have olives.

Me: I think there has been a misunderstanding. The name of this establishment implies there would be olives in droves. An incomprehensible abundance.

Server: I’m sure you’ll enjoy our pasta selectio-

Me: Is this even a garden??

If Ross Geller and George Costanza were in the same room with Sheldon Cooper, Michael Scott, and Kimmy Gibbler, they still wouldn’t be as annoying as you.

“Pecan” sounds like Yoda telling someone he is able to go to the bathroom.

Quarantine Stories: We’ve got every TV channel available to us, but my husband and I would rather watch a fly meeting its demise, as our kitchen spider who we named, “Brad Pitt,” settles down for a meal.

I have social anxiety but am toxically polite. I faked plans to get out of talking to someone & then invited them to the fake plans.

Rules for being a good neighbor:
1. MIND YOUR OWN GODDAMN BUSINESS
2. Don’t forget rule number one.

Biggest conspiracy I believe in is that DiCaprio’s relationships are all advertising campaigns for their modeling firms and he’s been quietly married to Tobey Maguire since 2017

How do I mute or block this account called “Promoted?”

[first day as a crime scene photographer]

me: pretty weak lighting in here

*drags the corpse outside*

forget tagging friends, i want to be able to tag my enemies

I thought I drank my coffee too fast and thought I was hallucinating seeing bugs everywhere but it turns out I did in fact leave a window open and a bunch of ants got in

Here’s a promise – if a scuba shop is within sprinting distance of the ocean and they let me try stuff on I’m not paying for a damn thing.

*serious situation*

My brain:

I accidentally dropped one of my husband’s Viagra into my contact solution and now I’m cockeyed.

If whisky can damage your short term memory, just think what whisky can do.

“No. No, I’m sorry, but there must absolutely be a hole right here.”

My dog, after removing the top soil I put in a hole she hadn’t touched in well over a year.

You can just make up words and if you say them in a Scottish accent, people will think they’re real:

Looka the wee janglers on that tary bibbit.

I recently got invited to a party with lots of attractive people and learned that I am very good at being ignored by lots of attractive people

Doctor: “Do you think your alcohol consumption may be getting out of control?”

Me: *swirls drink* “No”.

wife: is that ellen?

daughter: no, it’s dory

me: ellen is the actress that plays dory

daughter: is she a fish?

me: no, she’s a human

daughter: then that’s not her, cause that actress is a fish