Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Reporter: Can you stop poking my chest?
Me: But your badge says ‘press’

Don’t wait until the last minute to procrastinate. Start procrastinating today!

Having a teenager is fun because the voice in my head that questions everything I do now has a friend

[ first time mugging ]

me: gimme all your mash

him: did..did you just say-

me: mash. omg i did

him: lol

me: started to say money, then cash jumped into my head last second, i’ve never done this before sorry

him: np my dude, take it from the top

me: gimme all your coney ope

The moon is moving away from the earth at about 5 inches a year so it’s like the longest break up ever

Quit doubting my abilities, I can drive with one hand and crash the car with the other…

Our new dog has her first training class today where she will hopefully learn to stop dislocating my shoulder when she sees a squirrel on our walks.

WEBMD: Enter symptoms

Me: cold chills, squishy brain, stinging skin

WEBMD: You are a jellyfish

Why do we call it losing weight instead of lightening up?

[Jesus breaks bread]
This is my body

[Jesus pours wine]
This is my blood

[Jesus brings out Alex Trebek]
and THIS. IS. JEOPARDY.

Don’t be fooled by looks, butterflies taste just like moths.

Just saw a BMW double-parked at the grocery store. Nature is healing.

I don’t have any kids but I am a proud father of a food baby right now.

No time to explain, I need 300 copies of this cat!

*throws cat at Kinko’s employee

nurse: “if youre going to give grapes to a baby make sure you cut them in half”
me: [visibly confused]
wife: “the grapes keith not the baby”

“Chickfila catering?”
“Yes, sir. How big is your party?”
“Party?”

You know when you tap the You Tube video to see how much longer it has left…I wish I can do that with people when they are talking to me

– “I love Beyoncé…

– Whatever floats your boat dude.

– No, you’re thinking of ‘buoyancy’.

– …”

Top Seven Things Men Don’t See Coming:

7. Plot twists
6. Police cruiser
5. Love
4. Trash day
3. Health issues
2. Her reaction
1. That

Yes, my name is Kirk
Yes, my parents were Star Trek fans
Yes, I never heard these questions before
Yes, you are good at icebreakers

Why doesn’t my new white noise, sound machine have a setting for “biology teacher rambling on about photosynthesis” in an overly warm classroom on a Thursday afternoon?

I’d pay extra for that one.

Prayers for my children who very tragically found vegetables mixed in their mac and cheese.

Him: Who’s The Man?!?

Me: Usually, not the guy who says ‘Who’s the man’….

*first day as a coach*

Me: ok gang so we should go with a zonal defence here, remember to watch the runners and stick to the plan, goooo team!

Player: *whispering* guys I don’t think coach has played golf before

Good news, managed to put the clock forward on the oven.
Bad news, think I’ve got a gas leak now.

Doctor: I have bad news

Me: oh no

Doctor: I just lost a ton gambling

Me: whew, I thought I was dying-

Doctor: I bet you weren’t dying

fast food drive thru cashier: were you the one with…… …. … lots of stuff?
me: yeah that’s me

GUYS.

For the past two years the ticket man at my station has baffled me. Some days we get on like a house on fire, chatting about life. Other days he won’t even return a hello…turns out to be a pair of identical twins who both work there.

TWO SEPERATE MEN.

TWO YEARS GUYS.

A billion yahoo accounts got hacked, but the most surprising thing is that a billion people had yahoo accounts.

I have also decided to not buy Twitter.