I’m terrified of all my friends with babies learning that I’ve separately texted each of them: “Wow! That’s the best baby I’ve ever seen!”
You Might Also Like
Hilarious when peoples outgoing voicemail message says they “can’t make it to the phone right now.” You carry the phone with you. It’s the only constant in your life
Living well is the best revenge. The second best revenge is carefully removing plants from someone’s garden & replacing their lawn gnomes with slightly larger lawn gnomes so they appear to be growing in size from eating the plants.
Let the bodies hit the floor? Ok but first let me put down some plastic this is new carpet I don’t want to ruin it my mom will be pissed
Just think, there is coming an entire generation of idiots who will wonder: “Why did they have a hashtag button on landline phones?”
It’s not condescending if they’re stupid.
WIFE:The pinata is in the tree out back
ME:Huh? I sent the kids to the one in front
W:What one in front?
*angry bees are just everywhere*
If you, don’t know, how, to properly use a comma don’t use, them ok.
Mother, may I invite the aliens over for dinner?
This is one of the best videos to ever exist.
You know it’s time for a pedicure when you can exfoliate one foot with the other one
Superman: I have super strength
Flash: I have super speed
Aquaman: I control sea creatures
Green Arrow: I tell cars when to turn left
Me: If you bit your brother again, you’re grounded.
Son: But I’m already grounded. WE’RE ALL GROUNDED!!!!!!
The trick to successfully backing out of a parking space is to not care what happens to you or anyone else.
You either get a kid who eats like a bottomless pit, or you get one that when asked what they want for lunch answers “No thanks. I had lunch yesterday”
it’s finally my moment to shine
“Is that a banana in your pocket or…a dead banana?” -Schrödinger
The inventor of perforated paper has died.
RIP
Sex at 20: yes baby rearrange my guts
Sex at 40: be careful my gut is still a little bloated from all those bread sticks
Yeah I’m married, but get one thing straight, I do WHAT I want, WHEN I wanfdsskk THIS IS SHAUN’S WIFE, HE HAS TO GO NOW, HE SAYS GOODNIGHT.
Someone called me fat and I’m like first of all, if I didn’t want my pizza getting cold, I would so fight you right now.
Me: do you want to go out?
Dogs: YES
Me: are you sure?
Dogs: YES MOST SURE
Me: ok
Me: [opens door]
Dogs: [go out]
Me: [closes door]
Dogs:
Dogs:
Dogs: WAIT WAT HAVE U DONE TO US WE DID NOT ASK FOR THIS
I clean my car less for me and more for any potential valet encounters
BOSS: you’re fired
ME: is it because I won’t take no for an answer?
BOSS: no
ME: is it because I won’t take no for an answer?
not to be confused with the baby elephant-sized meteor as heavy as 4 corgis!!
Dear woman I saw jog down a busy street, run into a liquor store, buy two bottles of wine, and then jog back home,
Come back to me.
Lying dead in a closed coffin at my funeral, and yet somehow I still manage to spill mustard on my shirt.
It’s not a walk of shame if you do the Macarena to your car.
What’s your zodiac sign? I’m a banjo wizard.
Incorporate the word ‘verily’ into casual conversations so they don’t know what century you’re from
Playing Tubular Bells to end the baptism wasn’t quite the closing my aunt was looking for but in my defense it did clear out the church.