Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

{after 1st date}
Her: *texts* I left my keys in your car. Locked out. It’s freezing.

Me: *waits 3 days to reply so I don’t look desperate

Teens, you should not being getting drunk. You’re annoying enough as it is

Donald Trump says he’ll open up secret 9/11 files. Miley Cyrus says she’ll flee the country if Trump is elected. Connect the dots, people.

Lovely walk round Fitzrovia led me to a kindred spirit.

Me: shut tf up, I’m trying to sleep

Brain: ….. SO LIKE I WAS SAYING

I read all tweets with poor grammar and word choice in a Cookie Monster voice.

“As per my email…”

Ooh, someone’s absolutely livid.

ELEPHANT COP: I recognize you

LION: I just have one of those familiar faces

ELEPHANT COP: You don’t know who the hell you’re dealing with

Me: I just got let go from my security guard job at the prison.

Friend: Well, they say when one door closes, another one opens.

Me: I’M AWARE OF WHY I WAS FIRED, DOUG!

Hello drunk cooking, my old friend.
It’s nice to hear the smoke alarm again.

horse: is ur name liam

liam neeson: yea?

horse: lol i know u we worked together on a different movie

liam neeson: does anybody else hear this horse talking to me

my uncle walked in to chistmas, filled a plate, ate in a separate room, and left. he was here 4 minutes

My cat had been housebound for two weeks after beating up another cat in that cat’s house. I let her out yesterday just to see if she was ready to be a law abiding citizen. She went straight to go beat up that cat again 🙃 she’s back inside indefinitely

We had 3 kids, but once TVs came w/ remotes we put them up for adoption

Age is just a number in the same way that a killer whale is just a fish.

Coworker: By your age I was on my 3rd child already.
Me: Wow that’s a lot of kids to eat in a such a short period of time.

Me: I’m terrified of random letters

Therapist: You are?

Me: (Screams)

Therapist: I see

Me: (Scream intensifies)

Yes, autocorrect, I wanted to ask if she was all tight. Thank you. Now I know.

Grandpa: Look at you, shivering and hiding under the covers like a four year old. It was just a ghost story, no different than the ones I always told.

Me: BUT YOU’VE BEEN DEAD FOR 41 YEARS!

*entire building at my work loses power*

*I run all the way to Linda’s office*

Remember when you said light up shoes were a dumb idea?

SWAT: give up the hostages

RICK ASTLEY[holding a gun to my head]: you know I can’t do that

Husband; Who was at the door?

Me: The neighbors. They invited us over for drinks later. They said to come by at 6:37.

Husband: Do you think they meant 6:30? 7?

Me:

Husband:

Me: Yeah, that does make more sense.

party idea: “DUI or IUD?” u can only invite people who have one or both and u CAN’T divulge which

I WILL NEVER STOP BEING A QUITTER!

[senses date is losing interest in me]
“my uncle was the guy who did the rap in Red Red Wine”

I’m doing the lords work (judging)

Coworker: a chocolate oatmeal cookie isn’t a healthy breakfast.

Me: *smashes cookie*
There it’s granola, now stfu..

If I commit suicide, it’ll be for a shallow reason, like unrequited texts. But the note I leave will mention world hunger at least 11 times.

My gf asked me if I’d continue to love her even after marriage and i said yes.
Then..she got married.

While on a family road trip

My Kid: Dad, can I play on your phone now?

Me: for the last time, no, and stop asking

My Kid: How about at the next stop light?

Me: sure…

Narrator: The next stop light was 90 miles away, and 4 miles from their destination