I’m terrified of escalators so I’m taking steps to avoid them
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Why is there so much day left at the end of my patience
No, I don’t need a bag; I’m gonna juggle this 12 pack, this bag of ice and this whole roasted chicken on my unicycle while whistling Dixie.
me [an australian]: man i could kill for a caramello koala right now
american friend: that’s not a real candy
me: or some yowie bungas
american: what
me: dropbear gobstoppers
american: no
me: cassowary chewies
american: please stop
me: sugar-coated funnel web spiders
wrestling movies: im sad and i have something to prove to my dad
actual wrestlers: my name is Nutbuster Mike and i dont care if i die
Lust is not real love and Domino’s is not real pizza but both are fine when you’re drunk.
An interracial couple eating Cheerios and non-English speakers drinking Coke. We’re a Benghazi pizza commercial away from a Texas secession.
Arctic Scientist: your résumé said you have worked your whole life in extreme cold
Me: no, what it says is I’ve been working my entire life with *lowers sunglasses* zero degrees…
me: as soon as I get home from work, I’m going to clean the entire house, get my workout in, and do some work on creative projects
my bed: [chuckles darkly]
i don’t give parenting advice bc i don’t have kids but i was at an engagement party once where a toddler was walking around drinking a bud light and i had to step in bc craft beers taste better.
Songs with lyrics like, “We don’t need sleep,” why are you rebelling against naps? What are you–four?
If you bring an acoustic guitar to a bonfire I’m going to assume it’s for fuel.
If you need me, I’ll be right here for the next 35 years while my 4yo picks out a bedtime story to read
My kids got like 20 pounds of candy and that is so unhealthy so obviously I have to eat it all for their own good
“ARE YOU LISTENING TO ME OR NOT?”
“What are my choices again?”
I like a woman that makes me feel alive, but also lets me know that it might not be for long.
do singers know a song will be big beforehand? like that snow white hi-ho song, no way those lil’ dudes knew, they were just mining and shit
I’m going to take up vaping because I am tired of people taking me seriously.
i either just registered my car online or i’m licensed to import rare birds now
fun fact: scientists discovered years ago that dogs and cats could actually talk and converse with humans, unless their human turned out to be super duper boring
If bowser kidnapped my wife, I would not be saying “wahoo” no matter how fun the jump was
Why call it a fake stone you use to hide your spare house key outside rather than a sham rock?
If my teenagers see this tweet, since no one is answering my texts….mommy’s flight is on time and the house better be clean when I get home.
Me: I’m a strong, capable woman who can manage a little road trip by myself
Also me: *scream crying to my GPS* Why are there horses everywhere?! This was supposed to be a highway!
You know those lines you see painted on parking lots? I know this will come as a shock to some of you, but you’re supposed to park between them.
victim: *running away, singing friends theme song*
murderous villain [drops knife while clapping]: damn it, not again
Therapist: and what do we say when your coworkers start to annoy you?
Me: if I see you outside I’m going to run you over.
Therapist: what? No.
Jogging
COPS: We know you killed him
ME: I didn’t do it!
COPS: really? *starts playing Shakira*
ME: wait no
MY HIPS: HE’S UNDER THE FLOOR BOARDS
Marriage vows in the future will include things like “During pandemics, I promise not to judge how many glasses of wine you drink.”
I dated a woman once.
Most confusing twenty minutes of my life.