I’m terrified of escalators so I’m taking steps to avoid them
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I went for a walk with the baby and she wanted me to sing some of her songs with her as we walked. After 2 renditions of “Wheels on the Bus” I couldn’t breathe. Beyonce is the greatest athlete alive
me: [orders for my date like a gentleman]
waiter: five sides of mashed potatoes?
My kid fell off the bed and into the laundry basket head first. She’ll probably never forgive me for laughing so hard but I’m only human and that shits funny
The coolest feature of being over age 40 is now when I get a pimple it only takes 14 months to go away.
On the surface: cool as a cucumber…
On the inside: squirrel in traffic…
[During quarantine]
Kidnapper: 25,000 by this Sunday if you want to see your kids again.
Me: how about 40,000 and you keep them til next weekend?
If you’re Harpy
and you know it
lay an egg
That’s “Mr. Human Scum” to you, buddy.
Groceries be like
$5.47
$.89
$4.99
$6.99
$1.25
$1.25TOTAL: $76.42
[first day as an art thief]
Me: (pointing gun at sculpture) give me your money
I blame 2 of my 3 DUIs on Jesus because I specifically told him to take the wheel
RELATIONSHIPS: Because sometimes destroying your life is a two person job
My husband was upset that the baby spit up on his “nice clothes”.
I’m not sure if I’m more confused by my husband thinking he has “nice clothes” or that he doesn’t understand what a washing machine does.
Basketball games are very squeaky.
*using intercom*
WHAT DO YOU MEAN THERE’S NO POTLUCK?!funeral director- shh this is a funeral!!
*using intercom*
I whisper – “what do you mean there’s no potluck?”
VOICEMAIL: I’m sorry I can’t come to the phone right now, my toddler typed the wrong password 200 times so I can’t try again until next year
Mean Girls 2020: “Gross, isn’t that the mask you wore yesterday?”
I get really freakin pissed off when complete strangers ask me a lot of questions. So no… the job interview didn’t go very well.
me: I was mugged by a snake
cop: was he armed?
me: *long pause* no
We think whale songs are beautiful, but that’s just how they communicate. Imagine giving someone directions to the gas station and some white woman records and cries to it.
you know when you’re rocking the no makeup look and you assume you’re lookin all beachy natural n cute but then u look in the mirror and u look like a victorian child sick with influenza who won’t make it through the winter
dentist (who has studied mouths for years and has my mouth on display with perfect lighting, and is asking this question because she knows i haven’t been flossing): have you been flossing
me (slyly): yes
St. Peter: Why should I let you into heaven?
Me: Once a coworker said “supposably” 7 times in a meeting & I just let her
StP: Get in here
Hey, which Instagram filter takes out all the insecurities?
Is this cat saying Meow or Mao? Cause I’m not keepin some commie cat
I can make it rain with these here birthing hips.
As in I keep knocking the papers off my desk every time I walk by it.
This is Miles. He was asked what he was doing. And explained very clearly. 13/10
[playing checkers]
him: king me
me: *places a crown on his head and incites a peasant rebellion that results in his public decapitation* checkmate
The last time I did my happy dance I got pepper-sprayed.
[submarine]
captain: why can’t we submerge?!
stowaway jesus: lol