Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I like you, but I like peeing in swimming pools, so it’s not saying much.

You think that parenting is going to be all cute quotes and funny memories then you sit down for dinner and your 9yo asks you what you know about the dark web.

them: what are you think-

me: FOOD

so you’re saying i have to put these balls in my closet or moths will eat my sweaters? listen to yourself. you sound insane

If you’ve ever fed goats at the farm where they clamber all over you chewing at your clothes, then you know what my kids are like when I pull out some string cheese

I’m not saying that my family doesn’t clean but if I come home to the smell of bleach my first assumption would be someone was murdered.

The worst thing about parallel parking is witnesses.

Someone tried to persuade me to go to a party by saying, “Are you sure? There’s gonna be a lot of people there.” Oh then definitely no

Fact: alligators and crocodiles do not like each other, but they will share a human if necessary.

“Will you make something for the bake sale?” The PTA president approaches me cheerfully.
“Oh, no, last time I baked, I set the kitchen on fire,” I laugh lightly.
Then whisper: “And that time it wasn’t even on purpose.”

My uber driver asked me how my day was so I opened the door and quietly rolled into the road.

When bears are around, try to look skinny and they won’t eat you.

If that doesn’t work, kick your buddy in the nuts and RUN!

sometimes I wonder if Einstein’s friends were ever able to say “nice work, Einstein” without sounding sarcastic

I stopped to tie my shoe at the airport and someone reported me as an unattended bag.

when ur hate is strong but your bladder’s weak

I’m a giver.

*gives you a hard time*

Quinoa was invented by someone who really wanted to win at scrabble.

Tyler on Facebook says he ran 1.7 miles this morning… So based on calculations, I have 35 minutes to ransack his house tomorrow morning.

The war on Christmas? Yeah, I started it. But in my defense, maybe Santa warns a person before his home invasion and I don’t take him out.

My daughter woke up at 6:06 today instead of her usual 6:00 because we let her stay up 5 hours past her bedtime last night.

I thought I drank my coffee too fast and thought I was hallucinating seeing bugs everywhere but it turns out I did in fact leave a window open and a bunch of ants got in

[restaurant]

date: this chicken is a little dry

me: I think my burger‘s undercooked

waiter: how is everything

me: it’s great

date: so good

Professor: Today’s exam is written. Next week we will do oral

Class in unison: I HAVE A BOYFRIEND

I saw an Indian asleep on the train, noticed the little red dot on his forehead, and thought, “Is he on standby?”

My husband said he needs to have sex and now he is mad at me. Apparently, asking ‘with each other’ was the wrong response.

If I weren’t supposed to bring my cat, the wedding invite would say that, right?

Day 14: I notice a seam in the wall. It’s a removable panel. I crawl through a tunnel, down, down. I emerge into a space like a hangar. There is a 1/6 scale exact replica of my home, my car, my office…all the places I most often frequent. “This is not for you,” says my cat.

INTERVIEWER: where is your resume
ME: i forgot it
INTERVIEWER: seriously
ME: yeah
INTERVIEWER: *under breath* you had one job
ME: oh so you’ve seen it then

If you click with someone, be their friend. If they prove they’re not worthy of your friendship, bury the body & start again.

I never had to swim for my life in a shark attack but once I had to doggy-paddle really fast to get out of a pool when it was dessert time.