I’m texting hubs a grocery list one item at a time so he can experience his phone blowing up
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She had silky hair and legs that went on for days. I was in bed with a horse.
Me: Omg, my legs are like jello!
Trainer: You stood up.
Me: Sooo sore!!
It’s cute how my family thinks I’m playing with fire and I’m just trying to cook them breakfast
My computer crashed and I lost some work in progress but luckily the cloud saved those 57 shots my toddler took of his forehead with my iPad in 2014
Me: *trying to hock a loogie*
Pawn shop owner: I’m not giving you any money for that.
me (spent my last $17 last month on 7 large burger king onion rings): ok so lemme give you some advice
I can’t see those guns made on 3D printers catching on.
If HP make the cartridges, it will be cheaper to buy an AK-47.
Meatloaf was so named because of his incredible likeness to his father, Meatlo.
Google “cat”. Tap paw.
– just do it!!
I’d like to see every photograph where I’m just someone
passing in the background.
I love that Twitter is so international. I can hit “send” & be misunderstood by people all over the world almost instantly.
*gets several new followers on Sunday
*adds Jesus to resume
Every time I look into baby carriages, there’s always an INFANT inside and never a very small, old-timey gangster smoking a cigar.
Disappointing.
Them: But, if you’re both dudes, who’s “the lady” in your relationship?
Me: Janet Jackson. Always.
I can eat anything in the house unless it was specifically bought for my wife but the only way to know it’s for her is to eat it. Apparently
Neighbor: Omg, is that a hickey?
Me, flashing back to burning my neck with a curling iron: Yup, I still got it.
Me: HEY LADY YOU STOLE MY PARKING SPOT!
Her: so
Me: *noticing she opened a Gatorade on the first try* HAHA JUST KIDDING ITS TOTALLY YOURS.
They grow up so fast. One day they are tiny babies, the next they are pulling out of the driveway, and you’re all “oh no oh god how did the toddler get the car keys???”
Me: What are you doing?!
5-year-old: Hugging my sister.
Me: Hugs don’t start with a flying tackle.
5:
Me:
5: The good ones do.
ME: Who’s a good boy?
MY DOG: What have you heard?
Imagine if America cut open the Statue of Liberty and found skeletons inside and it turned out the French had just failed a trojan mission.
Boss: Stop copy and pasting responses from previous emails
Me: sounds good
Sent from my iPhone
Sent from my iPhone
I ran out of coffee this morning, beer seemed like an acceptable replacement. Everyone is so pretty today.
I’m weird but not “sit around the house with my shirt tucked in even though I’ve got no plans to leave” weird. That shit’s 4 serial killers.
Him: Let’s go out tonight.
Me: It’s a work night and very late.
Him: It’s 5:00PM on a Friday.
Me: I’M EXHAUSTED. WHY CAN’T YOU HAVE AN AFFAIR LIKE MY FRIEND’S HUSBANDS?
Feeling hurt and lonely. My usual Top Chef watch party attendees said they won’t be coming because of social distancing. They’re my cats and they live with me so I’m very confused.
Is “oppressive” too harsh or do I just stick with “hostile work environment”?
I was told “you’re not my Dad anymore” and I’m updating my resume.
So when Steve Jobs started Apple in his garage he was an “innovator” but when I work out of my garage I’m “under arrest” for “selling meth.”
my powerpoints are getting increasingly desperate as the semester goes on
Thoughts and prayers to everyone in Hawaii who finally came clean w/ a spouse or partner thinking the missile was on its way.