Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Me: But aren’t you scared of the Elf on the Shelf? We don’t have to have him come around…

Kid: No! He’s just a stuffy that comes to life and tickles you and watches you all the time, it’s fine.

Cool, but now I’m scared…

9-year-old: No one can read my diary.

Me: I’ll keep your sisters away from it.

9: No, I mean no one can read it. My handwriting is bad.

We’ve got people working on world peace, and I’m here wondering how I can swipe a piece of my patient’s chocolate without her noticing.

When I get calls from unknown numbers I panic, decline and then wait for the voicemail like I’m about to be murdered.

me: no thanks I’m a vegan

person handing me a baby: what

Texting while driving is incredibly stupid and dangerous. You’re practically begging for typos.

Showed up to basic training wearing denim short pants.

I got jort-martialed

In the next James Bond movie 007 has to prevent a Congolese arms dealer from selling nuclear-grade plutonium to a Nevada couple planning a gender reveal

If you don’t want to marry me, why did you sit next to me on this bus?

First rule of Botox club:

Nobody look surprised when someone new joins.

The American flag should be a picture of a cheeseburger watching TV on a couch made of fries.

Please don’t interrupt me when I’m trying to overhear something.

the new york sewer rats have finally elected a new rat pope

Annoying when people applaud the plane landing.
Worrying when you realise it’s the pilot and cabin crew.

went to church and prayed for Jesus to turn water into gas so now we wait …

Apparently when someone tells you they’re pregnant, “why” is not an acceptable response.

I can’t deal with men any longer

Me: “I just want a girl who likes Star Wars as much as me.”

Hot girl: “I like Star Wars”

Me: “Oh yeah? Name all 3 security guards I blew to get my own private tour of the Starship Enterprise!”

That plant looks good. Let’s eat the bit that stays in the dirt

– first person to cook a potato

approaching the 7-year anniversary of putting my stem cells in my dad’s bones and growing my bone marrow there thus killing his cancer and giving me years of “he’s a lesbian in his bones” jokes

Hickory dickory dock
I think that my soulmate’s a sock

The End

911: 911

me: I think my smoke detector is broken

911: is there smoke?

me: how would I know?

911:

me: 911 how would I know?

I saw a woman dressed like this today and I knew I had to draw her

reminiscing fondly on my College roomy Vincent who, when told by the RAs that lava lamps are fire hazard banned from the dorms, replied “guys relax it’s not real lava”

During my annual gynecologist visit:

Gyno: I’m going to stick this in. You might feel a little pressure.

Me: *giggling* That’s what he said.

Gyno:

Nurse:

Me: Oh shit! Did I say that out loud?

[Chocolate Cake 101]

Sober: Use a fork

Stoned: Use your fingers

Drunk: Use your face

You had me at Whipped Cream Vodka.

Mom Octopus: *opens bedroom door* What’s up?
Son Octopus: *slams laptop* Nothing!
Mom Octopus: YOU BETTER NOT BE LOOKING AT PRAWN AGAIN

*orders delivery*

I want an HGTV show called “How Do You Like Your Open Concept Now?”